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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2016 21:13

Hoping for an update, OP. Also hoping you made it a formal report, not an informal chat…

itsalldyingout · 14/04/2016 00:01

My first job was working with a woman very much like this and with a similar age gap.

With hindsight, I know now she needed medication either for PMS and/or menopause. If her rants come and go (like my ex-colleague's did), and she's okay in between, I'd put money on it that she has hormonal problems.

However, she MUST be aware that she's treating you really badly, and if she isn't, she must be made to see what she's doing to you (and probably others, too).

You are NOT responsible for her problems, you ARE responsible for yours. Don't let this woman become your problem. Report her. ASAP. Keep a diary if you still have contact. Try to avoid being alone with her. Try to remember prior events and make a note of them and any witnesses, too.

I STILL have nightmares about that woman who bullied and abused me. I wish I'd had the same opportunities you have to nip this in the bud.

Good luck.

CoraPirbright · 14/04/2016 08:29

Come back OP! Tell us what you have decided to do!

kazlau · 14/04/2016 09:08

Report her. I've just had to take my Union rep into a meeting with me after years of victimisation by my boss. She also took me into an informal meeting 6 months ago where she made me ironise never to take them to tribunal. I had no choice but to agree in her office but I realise now that was just another aspect of the abuse. If I need to go to tribunal I will and I'll deal with the fallout later. Nothing could be worse than the daily emotional bartering I've been taking. I should add that this all started during s period when my partner was diagnosed with a terminal disease! Lovely people - NOT.

OhahIlostmybra · 14/04/2016 09:49

You've had the perfect opportunity to report and speak openly about it. Please do report

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/04/2016 10:05

It's been a while since the OP updated. I got the impression that she wasn't going to report, and it might be difficult to come back and say that she hasn't, since literally everyone thinks she should…

DinosaursRoar · 14/04/2016 17:47

FirstwetakeManhattan - agree, the "problem" has been solved by the bully not being there for a few weeks - the OP isn't thinking beyond that as it's all ok now, of course the bully will come back and will act the same way again now she knows the OP won't actually do anything about it, by which time, her colleague who is currently prepared to back her up might not want to be dragged into "old news"...

Muskey · 14/04/2016 18:06

My boss is exactly like this. He is what MN would call a twunt. I have reported him 5 times over a period of 18 months and I have been told that unless I wish to make a formal grievance they will speak to him but nothing actually changes. I guess the op feels sorry for her boss or is scared to make the complaint as it may have implications for her job. I am reluctant to make a formal grievance for that very reason. I do hope the op reports her boss because regardless of hormonal issues no one should be treated like that

TransvisionTramp · 14/04/2016 18:58

Hope you're ok OP.
Nobody should have to put up with a Bully Flowers

Muriqui · 15/04/2016 11:55

Clearly you should escalate this, but your company will have a grievance procedure. Check what it is and make sure you follow it (e.g. You may need to talk to your direct supervisor first, or to HR first.). Make sure that what you do about this issue yourself is absolutely above reproach, personally and professionally - No social media, No public or personal retaliation (I'm sorry to have to say that, but these things can get very very ugly - I have some experience with employment dispute negotiations).
When you talk to your supervisor/HR bear in mind that this person might already have contacted them, regarding you! This person seems to think that you are underperforming at work - is this actually true? Get evidence. Are you set targets for the amount of work you do (number of assignments, timeliness, speed of turnaround times)? Can you show that you are meeting them, or alternatively that you are performing at least equivalently to other staff at your level? The chances are that if you start a grievance claim she will counter with a grievance of her own, that's why I raise this.....
Finally, what methods of communication are in place between you and this person? it's absolutely unacceptable to rant at someone over the phone or in an open office, obviously, but do you have one-to-one or team meetings where these issues could have been discussed more calmly and professionally?
I hope this helps. And try to stay strong and positive. Most formal grievances take many months to come to a conclusion, and it's very easy to lose the will to keep going, even if the decision ends up being in your favour!

kali110 · 15/04/2016 15:14

Report. Don't let her get away with it. She knows she's in trouble.
My mental health has been severely affected by the bully boss.
I'm offwork because of her.
I am on strong antidepressants, unfortunately my company didn't give a toss, but i know karma will get her. My work had a massive turn over when she started.
It won't get better. She won'tchange.

Ohsotired123 · 18/04/2016 10:27

Definitely report her, you don't go to work to be treated like shit.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/04/2016 10:35

Kali. How true it is. I don't know but I'm almost certain. If it's proved that your MH suffered as a result of your treatment at work. You can put in a claim against your boss. As its classed as a failure of duty of care and safe guarding.

Ohsotired123 · 18/04/2016 10:45

This sounds awful. Are you the lady on the other post today or is this someone else.

Stay strong, keep your chin up at work. Why should you leave a job you enjoy because of some bitch who is a bully. She made her bed she has to lie in it. It is obviously hard being at work with her I would feel the same way but as I said keep your chin up you've done the right thing. What else could you do. She will know not to do it again.

kali110 · 19/04/2016 01:54

ilive lol they didn't even care when a colleague with a life threatening illness ending up quitting because of this bitch. They cover themselves and her.
i'm glad i'm out of there.
After a decade of working there she couldn't even organise a leaving bloody card from the staff Hmm
It's no longer a place i will associate myself with.

wizzler · 20/04/2016 19:44

OP.. was wondering about you today.. Did you report ?

TransvisionTramp · 20/04/2016 19:56

Me too wizzler
Hope all is ok OP.

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