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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
MrsMainwaring · 12/04/2016 20:49

Wow , she's good !

Accident has no bearing on how she has spoken / treated you

Report

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2016 20:51

Perhaps your DH should marry her then
As it seems to me that when God made them he matched them

CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 20:52

Def still report & I would urge your colleague to do the same. Her accident has no bearing on the fact that she has treated you appallingly.

Lunar1 · 12/04/2016 20:53

Still report it ASAP, while the witnesses have clear memories.

DoreenLethal · 12/04/2016 20:53

She knows you are on the verge of reporting her and has had a little 'accident'. What were the chances eh?

Report her. And get your colleague to do the same.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/04/2016 21:00

OP, why did you not take the opportunity to report today?

I'm not being harsh at all - I now these things are easier said than done - but she wasn't there, you've had (almost) unanimous advice to report, you have supportive witnesses, and she has form.

What are your reasons for still not reporting this repeat-offending bully?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/04/2016 21:00

*know

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2016 21:01

Oh yeah and still report. It wouldn't surprise me if she did it accidentally on purpose. Yes I can appreciate. She must be desperately worried to do that, but like I said. She made the decision to bully So now. Its time for her to face the consequences.

looki · 12/04/2016 21:03

Sprained ankle indeed. Now if she had fallen and broken her leg, people may believe her. You can count on it that she is removing herself from the workplace until things blow over. She is fully aware that she is out of order and is also aware that she is not above being disciplined. I think it would be far easier to report her now while she isn't actually present in the workplace, it isn't 'cowardly' as she has removed herself from the environment. I can't understand the thought process of allowing her to continue bullying you and others which is what not reporting her is essentially doing.

ps your DH has obviously never been on the receiving end of a bully.

gonegrey56 · 12/04/2016 21:16

You must, must report her and get a report from your colleague too. The sprained ankle is just a ruse. Stay strong but be firm and present all the facts .

ChickensRideWest · 12/04/2016 21:18

Report her tomorrow OP

and tell your DH to remember where his loyalties lie too

RaspberryOverload · 12/04/2016 21:20

OP, you do need to report it now. Don't leave it, or you could find it all being twisted.

You have the moral high ground now, so it needs to be reported now.

And your DH is being an idiot. Many of us have had moments where we've suffered at the hands of someone else, and only a saint would be able to refrain from being childishly pleased about that person suffering a minor incident.

lorelei9here · 12/04/2016 21:20

OP it is better to report ASAP, the fact she's off is actually going to make it less stressful because you won't walk out of the meeting and bump into her.

Re your husband, I had a friend who felt sorry for my bully when she was eventually marched off the premises. I don't know what gets into people.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2016 21:21

And don't feel guilty op. If she does lose her job. After all she's such a good "Actor", that. I'm sure there's a position on the west end with her name written all over it.

sleeponeday · 12/04/2016 21:23

Your witnesses will be happier to report when they know she won't be around for a while. Human nature. And they will also be keener to report, as has been said, while the shock is fresh in their minds, and they are appalled by her. Over time, that will fade. I'd do it now - apart from anything else, if you delay you may be asked, if it was such an issue for you, why you didn't report earlier.

Does your DH know her? Seriously bizarre response to you, given.

amarmai · 12/04/2016 21:24

write it out in detail first and make sure you are specific . List everyone who was present. Tell her nothing and make a formal complaint.

NewMinouMinou · 12/04/2016 21:27

This is THE best time to do it, SDS!!
HR and your colleagues want to crack on with this.

BigHairySpider · 12/04/2016 21:29

Well,well. She's gone sick, just as I predicted up thread. What's the betting this 'accident' happened within minutes of her phone call to you?
Please report this. It is a perfect opportunity to do so. She cannot intimidate you further and you have supportive witnesses. Also block her number so she can't harrass you any more.

amarmai · 12/04/2016 21:31

why wd your h not be on your side? WTF is wrong with him?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/04/2016 21:35

Will you be going away on honeymoon after your wedding soon OP?

Whether you are or not, now really is the time to deal with this.

bonnie1981 · 12/04/2016 21:49

OP, your posts are identifying and could be used against you if the supervisor finds them, a counter claim of bullying via social media. I speak from experience in case anyone thinks I'm being silly - I've changed my username numerous times on MN. Much as I'd like to know the outcome of this, I think you should try to protect yourself and ask MNHQ to remove this thread or at least some of your posts.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/04/2016 22:07

Maybe ask MN to relocate the thread to the other place in case Bonnie is right, op.

liinyo · 12/04/2016 23:12

Report. Report. Report.

Spandexpants007 · 12/04/2016 23:42

Ok. Great you have some breathing space. Compile that log of incidents and witnesses quickly. Ask the woman who spoke to you today to report the incident tomorrow, when you speak to HR

Seems to me your husband doesn't grasp the severity of her bullying

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2016 23:42

Thing is, hardly anyone gets severely disciplined for a first mistake - we all make them and most employers, quite rightly, take a reasonable line. Here of course it's not her first mistake, so not surprisingly she's in a panic about what may happen

But that's not your fault and certainly not your problem, is it, SandDancer? If you fail to report this, she'll just feel rather clever in getting away with it again and probably become even worse - and on top of that you may lose respect among your other colleagues for allowing yourself to be treated in this way

Do you really want to take that risk?