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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
IdealWeather · 13/04/2016 11:08

Another one to say
DO NOT LEAVE IT AND REPORT HER BEHAVIOUR NOW

Yes keep a diary but you won't have a lot to write if she is off work.
In the mean time, she will have plenty of time to put things together to protect herself whilst she is 'off sick'.
You have witnesses that already want to report what has happened anyway so go for it.

redexpat · 13/04/2016 11:09

I simply don't believe that she has sprained her ankle. It's a ploy.

HKM2B · 13/04/2016 11:12

You absolutely should report her. It doesn't matter that you "promised" not to. Bullies RELY on the people on whom they pick to not dob them in. It's not easy but you've done NOTHING wrong. She has. And I don't frigging care if she's depressed or has some other personality disorder. Treating people in this way is not on. And frankly, no matter how tough you are this kind of thing scars you.

Going forward be mindful early on of bullying type personalities so you can nip this kind of thing in the bud. I'm not saying it's your fault. not at all. But you'll be able to identify this type of colleague much easier in the future and can protect yourself early on.

Best of luck!

winterbump · 13/04/2016 11:14

Please report her. Talk to her supervisor or someone in HR today if you can. Tell them the things she's said, the circumstances in which she's said them (in front of people etc) and how it's made you feel (understandably stressed). I understand that you feel hesitant about this. When someone is bullying you it affects your self esteem and you can start to doubt yourself. Understand that the people around you at work recognise that her behaviour is unreasonable. It's not your fault. What happens to her won't be your fault either. If you have a HR team then the organisation you work for will know what to do to support you. They'll know how to handle her behaviour and how to fairly and reasonably stop the situation that you're in. You can't go on like this and you shouldn't have to. It's not your fault. Be brave and talk to someone today and let them take it from there. Let them put things right. Flowers

TeresaEdPsych · 13/04/2016 11:16

You should report her, you could try recording her. She will be embarrassing everyone else and they will be too afraid in case she starts on them, that's why bullies get away with it.
Have a look in line about bullying at work, there are also a number of books available on it.

HooseRice · 13/04/2016 11:17

All the best OP.

Lifeisgreaterthandeath · 13/04/2016 11:18

My bully at work has just conveniently 'lost a friend' and 'has to get checked for something medical every week' just as the evidence against her has got compelling.

The last time she was nearly ousted she 'had a breakdown'

Never trust a bully who gets 'injured' just as the heat is on. They are very consummate and unethical liars who will use these 'surprise' situations to garner sympathy, divert and dissuade action, and guilt those who are reporting. Mine also laughs at people who are 'too weak to take the killer blow' so if you don't report out of sympathy she will not only have 'beaten' you, but will paint you as even weaker as a result. Sadly bullies are unrelenting Tossers..

Liska · 13/04/2016 11:19

Please, please don't just leave it. And I would also vote for putting in a formal complaint, rather than informal. I've worked with complaints/appeals sytems in a large organisation before, and tbh if it is not a formal complaint then there is very little anyone can or will do, esp with a personality as manipulative as this. Take the opportunity of her not being around to do it asap. While it would be unprofessional to tell your colleagues that you have made an official complaint, if they suspect you have it may just be the impetus they need to complain as well, which would be helpful for all concerned. I have watched departments lose so many good people because of a bad manager/supervisor, and I have seen bosses who are desperate to do something to help, but cannot until a complaint has been made. They have their hands tied, and cannot deal with a situation until it has been formally and officially brought to their attention. Loads of luck.

MsHoolie · 13/04/2016 11:24

100% report her. Do not 'warn' her about it or she will probably try to get the first kick in and report you for all these perceived flaws/errors first to weaken your case.

Write a diary first detailing dates, incident and who was present when it happened.
(This helps you keep in control in front of HR)
Also, take in a colleague with you when you meet HR (you are entitled to take in a witness) someone who was a witness to the bullying/ someone who you can trust, who has maybe empathised with you over this woman's treatment.

I was bullied and tried to ride it out. Afterall I am a big girl and not exactly shy! But it was impacting my home life and making me miserable.
When I finally went to HR it turned out he had 5 other complaints against him for bullying!
He was sacked.
Bet this woman has a huge HR record! They will know what she is like. (Her simpering to you that you are 'mates', and 'we're OK, aren't we?' is classic controlling bully behaviour)

Life is too short to put up with bullies.
And no job is worth that awful feeling you take home with you after an incident.
Good luck.

IcingandSlicing · 13/04/2016 11:28

Report her.
This is not a professional behaviour and don't get me started with "she didn't reaslise" you were feeling low. It happened way to many times to be a coincidence. She's enoying it.
It's not appropriate for a manager to behave that way.

Everylittlething87 · 13/04/2016 11:30

Report her, it seems she's now trying to use your good nature in her favour and is bullying you with that so you don't 'tell' if she's been done for it twice before she obviously hasn't learnt her lesson. Horrible woman, I hope you're okay and sending a hug Flowers

Buffy86 · 13/04/2016 11:41

I really hope you reported her OP. I am a 2nd year student in your profession (in my late 20's with two kids) and I've had a qualified be quite bullying with me on the one day I worked with her on a previous placement. In the end she asked (told) me to carry out a really unreasonable request and I finally stood up to her and while I saw her talking about me after that she didn't speak to me anymore and I was so happy Grin.

If you don't report her (I can underhand it must be hard) you need to try and stand up to her if possible. She sounds like a nightmare, I really feel for you.

ConferencePear · 13/04/2016 11:45

Report her. She has a 'sprained ankle' because she realises that she has gone too far this time.

kaitlinktm · 13/04/2016 11:50

If you don't report her and others do, she might try to convince management that there must be some truth to her remarks - after all, if they were groundless, why didn't you report?

choirmumoftwo · 13/04/2016 11:51

My immediate boss is like this but even cleverer. No shouting etc but constant chipping away at your confidence, criticism and inconsistency. Best friends one day, totally ignoring you the next. Does the minimum amount of work possible while being highly visible and dumping on her colleagues. No-one knows how to handle her so she's got away with it for years. I can't see an end to it and would have no faith that management would deal with the situation correctly. She was probably a bully as a child. Good luck OP.

BlueFolly · 13/04/2016 12:07

How come your fiancé isn't more supportive?

HidingUnderARock · 13/04/2016 12:10

The "Are we still friends? Please don't report me" is all part of the bullying, specifically to make you feel you have no good option and are the bad person whatever you do.
I would put money on her having done this since primary school, when it sounded very similar. "Are we still friends? Please don't tell teacher cos my mum will be so cross."
I also agree that the sprained ankle drama was intentional, and part of her damage limitation plan.

Please report her now before she can pull any more stunts and before you start to feel too much time has passed.
She is not your friend, you are her safe stooge and whipping boy for when she has difficulties or frustrations with people who she can't treat that way.

funnyperson · 13/04/2016 12:15

Report her. Document what happened with dates, times etc, witnesses and the effect on you.

No need to tell her or anyone else you have reported her.

You report her to a) your line manager and b) HR . Also ask your unions's advice. They may provide someone to go into HR with you .

Report using email and bcc yourself in so that if by chance you leave you still have the records.

Your company may have a harassment policy which you should follow.

Make sure you have a record of all your work outcomes so that you cant be accused of poor performance.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/04/2016 12:16

I hope you find the courage to report. This bitch needs taken down otherwise she will carry on. People have committed suicide over bullying.

florianblossom · 13/04/2016 12:17

OMG Report her!!
I had to deal with a bully in a volunteer situation and it was hell
No formal process for complaints in a lot of the volunteer sector so not much I could do really
Some people just go through life feeling entitled to being the centre of attention and having their unreasonable warped emotional needs met by all around them
If its already affecting your sleep go to your doctor and get a record of the consultation and bring it to the complaint
I ended up missing seeing my ill elderly grandmother over Christmas as I was so ill and stressed by a bully and it affected my health, don't wait until it gets that bad please!

lauradotp · 13/04/2016 12:17

I agree with Freckles. Your colleague sounds vile - and to say all those things in front of others, turn around (once you were alone) and say that she knew it wasn't you? What the fucking fuck is that all about!? Report her. Not only for your sake but for the sake of any future victims. Good luck!

ZsaZsa1954 · 13/04/2016 12:17

OP - by not reporting this you are telling her that it's all right to do this to you and that these tactics work with you and other people. Once she knows you can be bullied and manipulated she WILL ramp it up and you'll end by being driven out of a post you like and perhaps a profession as well because she has destroyed your confidence and self-esteem.

Report her, please. I'm asking you as someone whose life was made a misery by low level bullying for about a year and that nearly drove me out of a job I enjoyed.

florianblossom · 13/04/2016 12:25

TBH honest her asking if you were going to report her to a manager and making you promise not to is pretty damning evidence that she knows that she is wrong and if anyone heard it it would really help your case

funnyperson · 13/04/2016 12:26

Just to add that in my experience bullies are very good at hanging onto their jobs and whilst some organisations are transparent and constructive, others are not.

You shouldn't communicate with the witnesses yourself as this will be down to the investigating manager. You need to act professionally in and out of work. The other party is clearly stressed and has really sprained her ankle and doubtless having a go at you is all part of the same situation. That doesn't excuse it but it might explain it.

I think it is sensible to say you probably shouldn't post on social media about it once you have reported it otherwise you could be accused of damaging someone's professional reputation.

florianblossom · 13/04/2016 12:50

It does sound though that she probably has studied disciplinary procedures and is going to try and get signed off long term sick as an avoidance tactic
I think she knows exactly what she is doing and I wouldn't have an ounce of sympathy TBH