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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
nipersvest · 13/04/2016 00:09

report and do not let this bully women make you feel you are in the wrong. it sounds like she has behaved appallingly for years, hiding it behind intimidation and making herself out to be the victim with weak excuses.

she is running scared fake accident and so she should be!

if anyone questions why you are reporting, just say "so its ok for her to behave like this, but not ok for me to talk about it?"

coconutpie · 13/04/2016 00:14

Why didn't you report her today, OP? You need to do it immediately, not wait just because she's apparently injured herself. She is not your concern. You clearly have supportive colleagues, nearly 300 replies on here all saying report her and you didn't? I don't understand why not?

emotionsecho · 13/04/2016 00:30

You've been harassed, bullied and upset to the extent you have applied for another job and your dh thinks you are being spiteful?

As everyone else has said report this colleague now if you don't she will conclude you are too weak and/or afraid of her and will take it as a green light to continue behaving as she is. You have other colleagues on your side, use them and do the right thing otherwise they too will conclude you are weak and will be less inclined to back you in the future.

Notgivingin789 · 13/04/2016 06:54

Please don't let the bully get away from it.

DinosaursRoar · 13/04/2016 07:15

To defend your DH, do you think that you are resorting I being a bit childish and at her level by gloating about "karma" rather than dealing with this like an adult - ie reporting it to the correct person?

This is not school, you don't not tell because they've asked you not to.

You've left it one day, report it today or else you are getting to the stage of having to leave it until she does something again, and are clearly letting all your colleagues think you don't think this behaviour is all that bad.

It is scary having to do stuff like this, but given what I think you do for a living, if you really are up to the job, you also need to be able to be brave enough to deal with this.

She has acted unprofessionally, the correct thing for you to do now is report it. Failing to is actually unprofessional of you. Don't sink to her level or give other colleagues the impression that you believe someone acting like this is ok.

BoatyMcBoat · 13/04/2016 08:06

Couple of weeks off for a sprained ankle? I'm not convinced.

Report her. Whether she's there or not is irrelevant. Do it today.

Creampastry · 13/04/2016 08:09

Report it now - don't be a mug.

icanteven · 13/04/2016 08:14

She no more has a sprained ankle than I do and if you have a grain of sense you know it.

Please just report her and be done with it.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/04/2016 08:26

She sounds a proper nightmare.

Report in her absence.

BillSykesDog · 13/04/2016 08:32

Report her in her absence. I imagine that her managers are already Hmm about two weeks off with a sprained ankle. If you report all the pieces will fall into place for them and they'll realise she's gone off sick to try and avoid being reported. Plus it will also make it pretty darn clear that not only are you telling the truth but she knows it too.

FantasticButtocks · 13/04/2016 08:46

As part of your reporting you could mention that she's also been hassling you about whether you're going to report her or not. The pieces will fall into place....

FannyFanakapan · 13/04/2016 09:00

OP, imagine how it will look if your colleague reports it and you dont - you will look weak, they will question your integrity...you need to report this in a factual manner and as others have said, report the harassment not to report. Do it now - when your wedding is really close, you will not want to be more stressed. Strike now, clear your name, be honest and factual and give names of those that witnessed the outburst (again, they are more likely to back you up when she is out the office).

3luckystars · 13/04/2016 09:34

Go to your manager today. Great that the bully I out. Do it, you will be glad you did. It sounds like everyone just wants you to make the first move. Please pluck up the courage to do it today. Good luck.

motheroreily · 13/04/2016 09:50

Please report it today. It will be hard but you must do it

justilou · 13/04/2016 10:36

Take that bitch down!

MartinaJ · 13/04/2016 10:39

justilou - that's exactly how it shouldn't be done. She needs to be factual, have all the details ready and report it in a very matter-of-fact manner, otherwise she'll come across as way too emotional and even exaggerating because of that.
Her aim shouldn't be "to take the bitch down", it's to protect her and other colleagues from a bully.

thethoughtfox · 13/04/2016 10:44

Report her. Cut yourself off now. She is poison.

AgentPineapple · 13/04/2016 10:44

I'd report her, the very fact this has happened twice before (at least) tells you she will not change. This is not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty, don't make this your problem, it's hers and she has to take responsibility. No one should make you feel this way in the work place, friend or not

40somethingwonderful · 13/04/2016 10:45

Please report as she will continue doing it others if she's not stopped.

BumWad · 13/04/2016 10:45

Sprained ankle my arse!!! Report her now!!!

Brightredpencil · 13/04/2016 10:47

Report. In fact one of your colleagues who witnessed this may have already reported... or should have.

SooBee61 · 13/04/2016 10:48

This woman seems to have some sort of personality disorder and needs to be stopped.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2016 10:49

Well, it's not very often that you see twelve pages of MNers all saying the same thing

Another small point about the colleagues is that there's every reason for them to be supportive - they're probably worried they'll be next Hmm

mammamic · 13/04/2016 10:55

SandDancer this isn't Karma - it's a well used and clever technique.

She's removing herself from the picture so things quiet down and you'll be lulled into a false sense of 'it wasn't that bad'.

She sounds extremely manipulative and adept at what she does.

I would, however, be very careful about how you manage this. The fact that she's still there after previous complaints means she has some leverage for some reason. I was in a very similar scenario about 10 years ago and went the official route. Long story short - I'm the one who ended up leaving my job. It was the best thing that could've happened as I got a better paid, closer to home more interesting job (still here!) but that's not really the point.

Speak to her manager but tell them it's 'unofficial' and you don't want to raise a grievance as such, but you do need to discuss how this is going to be managed going forward by her manager - that's their job, not yours. They are paid to 'manager her' it's in the job title!

DO NOT JUST LEAVE IT. And also, you don't owe her anything. It's none of her business whether you report her or not. And if you don't want her to know - tell her manager. And then literally ignore her behaviour. If she starts ranting. Get up and leave. If she calls ranting, put the phone down. If she says you've done a crap job, ask her to document what needs changing and do it. Don't engage with her. If you don't engage, she can't continue. It's a scary concept but honestly, it works.

Remove yourself from the scene. It's that simple. Give it a try

Good luck

frecklesagogo · 13/04/2016 11:00

Report her. She sounds like a narcissist, who is extremely manipulative and toxic. Her MO is to make everything your fault and take away all your self esteem, so she feels better about herself. She has no real feelings, just mimics the feelings of others to get what she wants. - the tears were false. Feel no guilt whatsoever about reporting her, she has done it before and she will keep doing it until she is stopped. Good luck, feel for you.

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