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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
coconutpie · 12/04/2016 00:04

Report her first thing tomorrow. You owe it to yourself. You owe that horrid bitch nothing. She's basically bullying you again by trying to make you not report it by pulling this emotional blackmail crap on you.

Hope you are ok Flowers

Flowerbunty · 12/04/2016 00:06

Report the poop out of that cow. Regardless of job/setting that is never an appropriate way to treat anyone. Nobody has the right to make anyone feel like that, but by not reporting her, you're almost condoning her behaviour. It's like an abusive relationship... Sorry won't happen again. Doesn't happen for a bit. Then bam. You're in same position.

CocktailQueen · 12/04/2016 00:06

Report her tomorrow - she sounds like a vile bully.

Theladyloriana · 12/04/2016 00:07

Report.
I'm guessing you are an hcp?

luciole15 · 12/04/2016 00:08

Report her. She's got form. She'll keep doing it otherwise.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/04/2016 00:09

I would report her in a heartbeat. Good luck OP. DOn't put up with being bullied by her a moment longer.

The 'nice' bits and apologies are all part of her MO.

LeaLeander · 12/04/2016 00:09

Remember she is a liability to your company. Your loyalty should be to your employer not to her.

Paddletonio · 12/04/2016 00:12

Report. I wouldn't trust her to not make up some story to save her back so go report first thing.

ohtheholidays · 12/04/2016 00:15

Please report her first thing tomorrow morning OP what she is doing to you is unforgivable you can't allow her to affect your mental and emotional wellbeing like this any more.

Get it reported now so that you can start relaxing enjoying your job and looking forward to your wedding day.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 12/04/2016 00:18

Report her. But be aware it won't be a magic solution. You will still need to work with her and be strong whilst an investigation takes place, so make sure that support is put in place for you.

sleeponeday · 12/04/2016 00:18

I think you have to report. By your own account, she's done this so often she is on a final warning, and by your own account, she's damaging your career and your mental health. You don't owe her a thing. She owes all her employees, colleagues and students professionalism and courtesy. If this were down to mental health problems then she needs to address them, not treat co-workers as collateral damage.

Manipulating you out of reporting her is just another way she's continuing the abuse. And I would be really surprised if you were her only target here, too. You won't be her last, any more than the previous were (and how many more, who just never reported?)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2016 00:22

Report the cunt. First thing tomorrow. You don't have to put up with this shit. Let her go to bed at night worrying. Like you and others have done. Aww she's panicking. Aww didums. My heart bleeds. She should have thought of that, before. She started making other people's life a misery.

Throw to karma let her deal with her.
I fucking despise bullies.
WineFlowersChocolate.
Please don't take heed of her comments. You're a Star

2ManySweets · 12/04/2016 00:23

That's why you need to report her.

To anyone reading this thread that's in a similar situation; KEEP A DIARY of incidents. It gives you lots more confidence in lodging a report against a workplace bully as you can see, written down, all the shit that's been thrown at you with dates, times etc.

OP, apologies for the hijack. And I repeat, you have to report this. Don't be forced out x

Madhouse05 · 12/04/2016 00:24

Report. A student watched this occur and was concerned for your welfare? Set the example to the student and confirm that this behaviour is not acceptable. If she (your bully) has form as you say managers should be well aware - do you have a line manager you can approach to gave an initial discussion with?

Bogeyface · 12/04/2016 00:47

If you get the job then the day after you start you should sue your former employers for constructive dismissal based on her behaviour.

And yes, report the fucking bitch.

Alasalas2 · 12/04/2016 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatsmyusername · 12/04/2016 01:14

As a high end boss i would not be interested in the he said she said. By all means tell them but that shouldnt be the basis for your complaint. It really depends how you see yourself in the co in a few years. You dont want the boss's to think you are difficult. I would approach with caution and speak off the record to your superior. By the sounds of it they will know what she is like anyway. Just be carefull how you handle it you dont want to start a war (not yet anyway!).

Good luck.

M00nUnit · 12/04/2016 01:15

She sounds very dangerous and not in a fit state to be working at all. She needs to be put on "gardening leave" or somesuch and given counseling by the sounds of it. Please report her asap OP, for your company's sake as well as your own. She's a liability.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 12/04/2016 01:21

"she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs"
She's had her chance(s) then hasn't she. Report her without hesitation. Save your mental health and that of any others who have the misfortune of being on the receiving end of her bullying.

novemberchild · 12/04/2016 01:22

Read 'The Sociopath Next Door' by Martha Stout. You will recognise this woman.

EveryoneElsie · 12/04/2016 01:28

She cannot tell or ask you not to report her, she cant hold you to the promise. Its just part of the bullying.
Report her. She is totally out of order.

It sounds like she is playing Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer. If you can look up the Karpman Drama Triangle and learn how to step out of the game, you might gain a bit of control.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

She is playing all 3 roles and you are her stooge, being placed in a supporting role. If you can figure out where she is, you can second guess her.
If you read Games People Play by Eric Berne, thats a good place to start. It explains how to stop the game by offering a suitable antithesis.

looki · 12/04/2016 01:29

Whatsmyusername I'm so aghast at your response. In a modern progressive company where there is a formal HR Dept, there will be procedures and anti bullying policies in place. Certainly keeping a diary of events is useful but there are plenty of witnesses who can confirm if the OP's words are accurate or not without it becoming a case of one person's word against the other.

OP please do not be afraid to report this. It is totally unacceptable to have to put up with this treatment in a professional environment.

If you saw your student being treated like this, what advice would you give her?

Tiredbutfuckingfine · 12/04/2016 01:38

whatsmyusername so the ranting raving manager isn't coming across as difficult in your eyes?
OP I know mn is a hotbed of armchair psychologists, but I had similar uncontrolled ranting/best buddy/humiliation in front of colleagues type manager, "everyone" knew what she was like and avoided her, higher ups didn't seem to know or care. She was definately a narcissist, agree with previous poster you should look at the descriptions for personality disorders preferably before taking a grievance.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2016 01:53

Whatsmy. Have you not heard of
Duty of care
. safe guarding
Well being of your employees.
All of which are not a request, but legally binding.
It's the cunting bully who is "difficult.

anklebitersmum · 12/04/2016 02:15

As a high end boss i would not be interested in the he said she said.

Really? Shock

OP. Report her. Make it official. This behaviour will not change and you can rest assured she'd throw you under the career bus to save herself in a heartbeat.