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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
VerbenaGirl · 13/04/2016 13:29

Report it. This is not acceptable work place behaviour and you deserve better treatment. Best wishes for it all. x

Bumblefeet · 13/04/2016 14:59

Pick your dignity up off the floor and report her. She certainly doesn't feel bad about the way she treats you. This will only get worse.

Please, please, report her.

ruthieruthuk · 13/04/2016 15:09

Thing is you said you've already had words with her re: her behavoiur but same again, you don't owe her anything and it's very unporofessional acting like that in front of colleagues to you, she must of known at the time her attitude was upsetting you I'm sure it was pretty clear but some people like the power and if she thinks she can get away with it she probably will, report and good luck xx

Helencandy28 · 13/04/2016 15:20

she's no friend behaving like that. She's a bully. You need to report her. Could she be jealous of you for some reason? This has to stop before you have a nervous breakdown. It sounds like she's jealous and is trying to belittle you in anyway she can. Is there someone you can talk to? She knows it's upsetting you and this can't go on - she's a bitch.

AhHaaaaa · 13/04/2016 15:32

Does t make a difference that she's off on sick, actually it is the ideal time. You can report her today/tomorrow and HR/your senior can spend the time she's off speaking to everyone in the office without fear that she'll get in first.

Please do not feel sorry for her with her comments asking if you are going to report. I think maybe the injury was self inflicted to get out of what she knew was coming, do not let her get away with this. Especially if people have approached you wanting to report the bullying on your behalf, start the ball rolling today.

Melbournemel · 13/04/2016 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janey50 · 13/04/2016 15:55

She sounds vile. Definitely report her.

IAmNotAMindReader · 13/04/2016 16:02

You know she's just gone off sick to garner sympathy and let the dust settle. If you don't report her now she will come back emboldened and make your life such a living hell that what you've already experienced will seem like a picnic.
She's constantly testing your boundaries and trying to keep you hooked and you're falling for it every time you fail to report an incident.

lorilobs · 13/04/2016 16:33

I wonder if we're in a similar profession, as I've encountered this type of behaviour regularly. Working alongside predominantly females, can be really tricky.
My advice is to report her. For all the reasons above.
I would encourage you to try to bury this stress. Compartmentalise it. Put it in the psycho box for now.
Don't risk a bad reputation so early in your career. Mental illness can be over 'used' and so doesnt get the respect it should.
I don't doubt you're feeling completely frazzled. I urge you to do what you can to shine right now.
Be yourself, keep learning, keep moving forward.
You will be an efficient member of staff when you have the correct experience behind you.
Believe in yourself, deal with the bully.
Good luck with it all. Enjoy your wedding run up x

SENPARENT · 13/04/2016 17:07

This toxic and vile woman is already affecting your mental health. She has played her evil mind games for so long and so effectively she has you right where she wants you. So much so that you are either afraid to report her or feel guilty about reporting her for what is out and out bullying and deeply unprofessional behaviour. Whether she is ill or not, she is not fit to be in a job that involves managing other people. She already has history and has not learnt from it.She is most certainly not your friend and never has been.

Get together every last bit of your courage, get a trusted colleague to go with you and report her for everything she has ever done to you. Give dates, times, and witnesses.

Failing that take time off work and go to your doctor and get signed off with "work related stress". After you have been away from the situation for a week or so you may feel stronger and more able to face up to what you know you have to do.
Most companies take work related stress very seriously and have to deal with it under health safety at work law.Report this woman. You owe her nothing. You owe yourself and your colleagues everything.

beccabanana · 13/04/2016 17:08

Please don't give her another chance and let the dust settle, this is exactly what she wants and why she's now 'injured' so you'll hopefully forget about it until next time. There WILL be a next time - and you'll then kick yourself for not reporting it now. X

OnlyLovers · 13/04/2016 17:12

I agree with all, no more chances. IMO it's gone too far and got too personal already.

Behave professionally (even though she and some of your other colleagues seem incapable of doing so) and report her calmly and factually.

Your fiance can piss off with telling you you're out of order, too. Hmm

Inkanta · 13/04/2016 18:08

Senparent - is right

notapizzaeater · 13/04/2016 18:15

I'd report her, no where has she any remorse, any concern for you at all.

fragrancemeister · 13/04/2016 18:26

If you don't report this manipulative bully you are in fact,being an enabler.If she does it to you she will certainly do it to others.How would that make you feel?

Vedamakesthebesttoast · 13/04/2016 18:29

Just a thought op but you said your wedding is coming up. Imagine if she manages to eek out her sick leave till your wedding and then returns to work whilst you're off enjoying your honeymoon. I could well imagine she would stir up all sorts of ill content in your absence and not think a jot of it if you weren't there to defend yourself.

If she's capable of trying to insinuate you have made mistakes etc she'll be doing her best to take afvantage of your absence on her return.

Please report her now before she has a chance to cause you any more distress. She's a bully and you not any of your colleagues should have to put up with her mind games.

I'm not trying to stress you out by the way, I hope I haven't. I just think that once you e reported her behaviour and it's someone else's problem to deal with you'll feel far more relaxed and confident in the run up to your wedding. I totally agree with the pp ^^ who said you need to be the best you can be and just get on with doing a great job, all that negative energy you're having to expel to ward her off and second guess will only divert you from 'shining'

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 13/04/2016 18:42

Another one to say report ASAP, it's up to hr to decide whether they call her in to a meeting son or wait until she returns but at least you've done your bit, you can get on with your job and concentrate on the future

Everylittlething87 · 13/04/2016 18:55

I also think she is probably threatened by you, no excuse of course!

I agree with pp's get in there while she's away. If you're intimadated by her I bet other colleagues are as well and will also be more likely to speak up on your behalf.

Let us know how you get on :) good luck

LumpsMum · 13/04/2016 19:25

What everyone else said. Report, report, REPORT, lol! I was bullied at work once. Glad I spoke up.
Apologising doesn't negate her behaviour. Yelling at someone you're supervising is unprofessional to begin with (only my mum gets to yell at me, ha!) but to do it in front of others is even worse! Flowers and Chocolate for you!

sportinguista · 13/04/2016 19:25

If you look on the Tim Field site this is listed as a classic tactic along with making themselves into a victim. Stand stronge and follow it through. She can be asked to attend disciplinary meetings even if she is signed off sick I think. You need to make sure that the grievance process is kept moving at all times, even if it's emailing a reminder to people when you're away. Tedious I know but she needs to know she cannot get away with her games.

Hope you're feeling ok. I know it's hard I've been there. It does get better.

LumpsMum · 13/04/2016 19:40

And don't underestimate the impression you might have made on other staff. When I reported my bully, I resigned at the same time, because I was at a point where I rather would've starved than continue to work with her. She was dealt with and I was asked to retract my resignation and kept my very nice job. Smile

TransvisionTramp · 13/04/2016 19:50

I can't quite believe she's got away with it for so long.
OP I hope you've reported her. Your company has a duty of care to you and this includes protecting you from this vile bully.
Flowers and Wine

MyAmDeryCross · 13/04/2016 19:56

Another on saying report her. She is a bully and is playing you so you won't report her.

As with any abusive relationship, she will keep bullying, making excuses, eventually crying...

But things won't change, eventually, years down the track you will be too embarrassed to report it, left with no confidence, feeling resentful, maybe giving up your career.

She sounds like a backstabbing bitch who wouldn't think twice about dropping you in the shit so please, look after yourself.

Spandexpants007 · 13/04/2016 21:07

Any update?

Spandexpants007 · 13/04/2016 21:09

You need to deal with this ASAP so that it's waster under the bridge by your wedding day