Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to have been offered some money?

574 replies

Blitzburgher · 09/04/2016 23:03

Just back from dinner at a friend's. Five couples in total, lovely evening. Slightly late because of nipping to the shop for cigarettes for DH on the way there. Texted friend when at shop "There in 15 mins, do you need anything from Waitrose?" just as a pleasantry really. Received reply "Yes - can you get 4 bottles red wine, crisps, dips and bottle vodka". Slightly shocked - was expecting something like 'OMG just run out of milk' or 'forgot the coriander - thank you!'. Bought the stuff for total £55. Arrived at party - shopping gratefully received, no mention of cash. Crisps and dips opened straight away - but there were also loads of other nibbly items like little toasts with parma ham; olives; nuts. Red wine spirited away somewhere never to be seen again. Vodka went into freezer.

Lovely evening - friend's DH is a chef and food was great. Nice to see all couples again. Whole dinner party sitting with my back right up against their full wine rack - wondered slightly why I'd been asked to bring 4 more bottles. Vodka made no appearance. Time came to leave and friend brought me my 'bag for life' from the kitchen. Receipt wasn't in there where the cashier had put it so assumed she'd taken it out and seen how much shopping was. Not a word about the cash. Didn't want to bring it up to save embarrassment so just left. Now slightly annoyed - AIBU?

DH thinks IABU because I'd probably have done that weird British polite thing and refused the cash anyway.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Czerny88 · 09/04/2016 23:54

I'm now looking out for the AIBU thread starting, "I have a friend who is frequently invited for dinner parties at my house, but never brings a bottle. She offered to pick up some stuff on her way round last night (when we provided a four-course meal with wine) so I asked her to bring a few bits and is now sending me passive aggressive texts expecting me to pay her back!!"

ADishBestEatenCold · 09/04/2016 23:57

I think Kaddy's suggestion of a text is (nearly) perfect. I would just add 8 words.

"Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for the lovely evening. We had a great time. I forgot to tell you that the Waitrose shopping cost £55. You do have my bank details, don't you? Look forward to seeing you next weekend"

Helloitsme88 · 09/04/2016 23:59

Why would op be rude for asking for the money? It's bloody rude to not have the cash waiting and putting the op in an awkward position of having to ask. Although tbh you should have asked for it on the night as its just more awkward now. I don't really understand why she gave back the bag for life. Like she was rubbing it in your face somehow. If I were your friend I would have probably kept the bag for life without thinking but given the cash. The fact that she gave back the bag but no cask speaks volumes to me

thenightsky · 10/04/2016 00:04

I'd let it go, but, as a disclaimer, I'm a terrible wuss Blush

Whatamuckingfuddle · 10/04/2016 00:08

I would do this to friends but they would all do it to me too and half the time no one remembers to ask for/offer money. Maybe she assumed that given the cost of catering it was fair? Does seem odd not to use the items she asked for Confused

theclick · 10/04/2016 00:08

This is crazy - yes I'd let a bottle of wine go but not four bottles etc. Send Kandy's text.

MissSmiley · 10/04/2016 00:10

Have you any idea how much it costs to host a dinner party for 10 people? You'll never be invited back if you mention it.

Pipbin · 10/04/2016 00:13

The thing is though Miss you kind of take that on the chin when you offer to host.
Generally you either don't care as you want to have the company of the others or you know that you will have a reciprocal invitation.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/04/2016 00:15

I would definitely just suck it up and not make a similar offer in future. She must have meant to get the vodka out or used it in a dessert or mis counted how much wine she had. Just let it go.

BackforGood · 10/04/2016 00:16

I'd send ADishBest's text.
The sooner the better too - don't leave it for a long time, just mention it, it's more 'casual' in an obviously you intended to pay me for your shopping list - goes without saying way, rather than bringing up debts from a while back if you don't.

MargotLovedTom · 10/04/2016 00:16

Well unless all the other guests were expected to pay for their dinner in the form of £55 worth of shopping, then that doesn't wash MissSmiley. Presumably OP has done her fair share of entertaining too.

Send the text as suggested above. And don't get caught out again!

MargotLovedTom · 10/04/2016 00:17

And yes, do it as soon as possible!

MissSmiley · 10/04/2016 00:19

You won't get caught out again with these friends if you text anything other than thank you for a lovely evening. You'll never hear from them. Just saying.

StupidGirl4568 · 10/04/2016 00:21

I would say something along the lines of "Hate to ask, but I didn't have enough money to pay for your shopping last night and had to write a cheque which I''m sure is going to bounce! Any chance I can get that money from you later?"

AShotInTheLight · 10/04/2016 00:23

MissSmiley well if that would be the case then they're not very good friends to the OP....

OP, I would probably let it go but make a strong mental note not to ever put yourself in a position of lending them any money/buying anything at their request again.

maddening · 10/04/2016 00:23

Just text "forgot to sort out the money for your shopping, it came to £55 - we can sort it out when I next see you - can bring receipt if you need it, thanks for a lovely evening, food and company fab as always :) enjoy the rest of your weekend xx"

Janecc · 10/04/2016 00:27

I went to friends Halloween party last year, it was a bring your own food contribution party and had always been bucket loads of food in the past. Friend always does plenty for the kids and sweets and gory food. But a different lot of people came slmost empty handed. I just called to say I couldn't get the thing I said I would bring and asked if she needed anything else instead and she said hardly anyone had turned up with food so desperate to feed the adults. I spent maybe £20 perhaps more on cheese biscuits grapes etc. That's fine and our contribution was quite high for a 3 hour party where really we (dh DD and I) didn't drink or eat much. But £55 when you have contributed with booze and flowers already is too much. Hosts are busy so I wouldn't take it personally. I like the idea of sending a text and this one is great except that i would soften the 8 words. So maybe consider inserting something like "I'd really appreciate it if you could transfer the money to my bank account" before " You do still have my bank account details, don't you".

southlondonluxe · 10/04/2016 00:30

Kaddys text is good

YANBU wanting the money but you need to text ASAP or let it go forever. I also would defiantly not ask for money explicitly, that's not classy

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 10/04/2016 00:32

Yanbu! This is I think dinner parties are for eejitsGrin

MargotLovedTom · 10/04/2016 00:37

I couldn't afford to give a toss about classy.

Can't understand your attitude MissSmiley - would you expect a friend to shell out 55 quid on shopping for you and not reimburse them?

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 10/04/2016 01:20

If I'd received that shopping list I would have assumed it was a joke and not bought the stuff! Perhaps she is embarrassed that you turned up with it when it was meant to be a joke????

novemberchild · 10/04/2016 03:51

I would have thought it was a joke as well.

midcenturymater · 10/04/2016 04:11

The only thing unclassy is someone asking you to do a favour for them and not reimbursing you. Straight text.
Lovely night. Thank you. I forgot to ask for the 55 for the groceries you asked me to get for you. Please can you transfer. Thanks.

scarednoob · 10/04/2016 04:19

That's really rude - would have been bad enough if everything had been drunk, but to pocket it is just bizarre.

If it were me, I would let it go to avoid an argument, and seethe impotently for a bit, but I can see why others would pursue it and do not think you would be U at all if you did.

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2016 04:28

YANBU, I'd ask for the money. Did you bring anything? Were you expected to bring anything? You could always say something like one of the bottles is on me but the rest came to XYZ.