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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to have been offered some money?

574 replies

Blitzburgher · 09/04/2016 23:03

Just back from dinner at a friend's. Five couples in total, lovely evening. Slightly late because of nipping to the shop for cigarettes for DH on the way there. Texted friend when at shop "There in 15 mins, do you need anything from Waitrose?" just as a pleasantry really. Received reply "Yes - can you get 4 bottles red wine, crisps, dips and bottle vodka". Slightly shocked - was expecting something like 'OMG just run out of milk' or 'forgot the coriander - thank you!'. Bought the stuff for total £55. Arrived at party - shopping gratefully received, no mention of cash. Crisps and dips opened straight away - but there were also loads of other nibbly items like little toasts with parma ham; olives; nuts. Red wine spirited away somewhere never to be seen again. Vodka went into freezer.

Lovely evening - friend's DH is a chef and food was great. Nice to see all couples again. Whole dinner party sitting with my back right up against their full wine rack - wondered slightly why I'd been asked to bring 4 more bottles. Vodka made no appearance. Time came to leave and friend brought me my 'bag for life' from the kitchen. Receipt wasn't in there where the cashier had put it so assumed she'd taken it out and seen how much shopping was. Not a word about the cash. Didn't want to bring it up to save embarrassment so just left. Now slightly annoyed - AIBU?

DH thinks IABU because I'd probably have done that weird British polite thing and refused the cash anyway.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
leelu66 · 10/04/2016 07:48

YANBU. Please get your money back.

differentnameforthis · 10/04/2016 07:49

Why did the vodka go in the freezer? To chill it? It gets colder quicker in the freezer.

Quite common here in Oz to put your alcohol in the freezer.

AnnaT45 · 10/04/2016 07:49

Ask her to bring the unopened bottle of your vodka next weekend and see what she says Wink

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 10/04/2016 07:50

Why would she have to wait until Monday to transfer the money? Internet banking is 24/7. Since she didn't mention paying her back and she hasn't done so I would assume she either isn't planning to or she forgot. £55 is a huge amount of money for me and I wouldn't be able to write it off. I wouldn't have been able to spend it in the first place without checking in advance that the host would transfer it to my account immediately as it would leave me short.

Cocacolaandchocolate · 10/04/2016 07:50

Text with a' thanks for the meal, it was lovely. The shopping was £55.'
You can ask.. It's not a small amount.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 10/04/2016 07:51

It's also insane that she asked you to buy all that unneeded alcohol anyway.

Fluffy24 · 10/04/2016 07:57

Have you checked your bank to make sure she hasn't already transferred the money, and assumed all along that's what she'd do and therefore never mentioned it?

As for already having a full wine rack already, I guess it may not have been suitable - hopefully only because of what she wanted to accompany the food and not because it was the really good stuff Grin

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 10/04/2016 08:00

Please text her. Just say it was definitely a good night as i totally forgot to get the money for the shopping, can you just transfer it to me, thanks'

WipsGlitter · 10/04/2016 08:04

Actually £55 for four bottles of wine and vodka and crisps and dips? No way! You must have bought v cheap wine!!

pearlylum · 10/04/2016 08:09

Sounds like you can all afford it anyway- cigarettes, wine rack, cleaners, Waitrose....

Collaborate · 10/04/2016 08:09

I'm in 2 minds about this one.

Do you normally bring wine to dinner parties? We do - it's expected. If we were to host 10 adults for dinner the cost would be around £500 including all the drink. So on the one hind maybe if you don't normally bring any wine with you the host was not unreasonable.

But maybe you and your friends are different to me and mine, and won't put the wine away at an alarming rate. I don't know. The vodka seems not to have been for the party. So in that sense she was being a bit cheeky.

But as a PP said maybe she wasn't impressed with your choice of wine. In that case she should have given it back to you.

Caprinihahahaha · 10/04/2016 08:12

Collaborate,

The op said up thread she had already bought wine beer and flowers.

The shopping for the host was on top of what she was already taking as a standard guest offering.

SquidgeyMidgey · 10/04/2016 08:18

OP have you checked your bank to see if she has already transferred it over?

lottielou7 · 10/04/2016 08:23

YANBU - how rude of her not to reimburse you. I would be straight and say you can't afford to just write off £55.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/04/2016 08:32

Fiver for chips and dips, 15 for the vodka, leaves £35 for 4 bottles of wine, so nearly £9 a bottle. Hardly 'very cheap wine'.

LittleRedSparke · 10/04/2016 08:32

I'd tell them definitely not
If you don't it will simmer resentment in you although it still might anyway unless she replies with 'oh shit, so sorry forgot to settle up with you'

(my vodka lives in the fridge too)

AppleSetsSail · 10/04/2016 08:40

Hosting dinner parties is hard work, I'm guessing she forgot and will remember at some point - assuming, as has been said, she doesn't have form for this.

Money aside, I wouldn't ask someone casually to pick up the volume of groceries that the OP has mentioned because it's a logistical imposition. Were you on foot, OP? Taxi? Driving?

AppleSetsSail · 10/04/2016 08:42

DH thinks IABU because I'd probably have done that weird British polite thing and refused the cash anyway.

At least you would have known that she had thought of it! Your husband is wrong, but mine would say the same.

I just saw that she brought you your 'bag for life'. So weird. I don't know what to say.

Joolsy · 10/04/2016 08:43

I don't see how she could have forgotten, I mean she remembered the bag for life!!! There are no excuses here but OP should have mentioned it on the night. It doesn't have to be rude - just a simple, oh, the shopping came to £55, do you have the cash now or would it be easier for you to do a bank transfer?

Iwantagoonthetrampoline · 10/04/2016 08:45

Bit weird about giving back the empty bag and not either offering back the load of specifically requsted then unused booze / money for it at that point. Maybe she lost track and thought it had been drunk (the wine at least)? I'd gove her the benefit of the doubt and drop a hint rather than outright ask for cash. Like "thanks for a great evening, bit of a sore head this morning, glad we ended up steering clear of that extra wine and vodka." Ball's in her court then to explain her actions. If genuine mistake will realise and offer to pay or something. Or, just a thought, but how late were you? Maybe it was intentional as she was pissed off about that?

BastardGoDarkly · 10/04/2016 08:49

pearly whether op can afford it or not is spectacularly missing the point!?

If she was joking, surely she'd have said... Oh no! I was joking! ... And give it you back!

All those saying 'let it go, you'll never get invited back' or similar, clearly live in a different stratosphere to me and my friends, none of us would have any problem saying... Oh, we never sorted that money out did we? Do you want to just transfer it? Or give me it next week when I see you?

People make things so British complicated!

MiniCooperLover · 10/04/2016 08:52

Just ask! She's either your friend or not and in future don't make any offers of purchasing things for anyone else:

vdbfamily · 10/04/2016 08:54

you could feign innocence and message her thanking her for a lovely evening but say you can't find the shopping receipt in the bag so assume she has it, but no hurry for the money, just when you next see her.

CaptainCrunch · 10/04/2016 08:56

It was insufferably rude of her to ask you to buy stuff that wasn't even for the party. Get her told op and learn never to offer up anything to this person again.

bloodypassword · 10/04/2016 09:02

£500 for 10 people for dinner. Really?