Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
Boomingmarvellous · 09/04/2016 11:12

It's legal and the risk of genetic problems are very minimal.

He may be impulsive but surely marrying someone he has grown up with, shares family values with and knows very well (despite you saying too well) is a better idea than marrying a random stranger he met online?

If he is a good dad, and she is a good mother and they are happy, frankly it's none of your business and if you are not happy about it you need to deal with your own feelings, not offload onto them.

ChasingPavements · 09/04/2016 11:14

It might be legal, but it is weird. OP, I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable about this.

Boomingmarvellous · 09/04/2016 11:15

Kennington. Unless there is a known genetic defect in the family line, there is not a very high risk of abnormalities. It's a statistically very minimal risk.

iwantanewcar · 09/04/2016 11:15

my ex has 2 cousins who fell in love and got married. They had only met as adults and decided that they didnt want children. They are both lovely people so I have worked hard to shrug off the yuk factor. It has worked for them.

lorelei9here · 09/04/2016 11:16

Gentry have been marrying cousins fir years, I'm amazed anyone thought it was illegal.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 09/04/2016 11:17

It's legal but that doesn't mean it's not bloody disgusting. Their mothers are sisters! There is no reason to shag your relatives, none at all.

Kennington · 09/04/2016 11:17

I agree but it is a lottery and one cannot see recessive traits. I have a nasty recessive trait that got detected by chance.
Tay Sachs disease has almost been eradicated by encouragement not to marry within a community.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/04/2016 11:18

Are you prepared to risk losing a brother over this?

Fratelli · 09/04/2016 11:21

I think I would feel the same as you. They're family members. However, I would keep my feelings to myself just to keep the peace and not risk the relationship between you.
I do think some posters feel the need to be ok with anything because they don't want to be seen as intolerant. You can't help the way you feel op. Everyone has a different opinion. You may get people for example who are ok with cousins marrying but are outraged by people asking for money rather than gifts at a wedding Grin

ShowOfHands · 09/04/2016 11:23

Op, in my reply to you I considered asking if you were working up to linking the mother/son story currently in the media.

Sadly I was right.

I'm out.

Boomingmarvellous · 09/04/2016 11:31

You could marry someone from the other side of the world and have ressesive genetic traits which result in a fetal abnormality.

Just saying it's not a reason to not marry a relative.

Pinkheart5915 · 09/04/2016 11:34

It's legal and not incest, I don't see a problem.
They are adults that know what they are doing, so why not just hold your tongue and see how it goes for them.

80schild · 09/04/2016 11:37

In India loads of people marry cousins - I don't see the problem personally.

The case of the mother and son in the papers - that is definitely wrong. What if they have kids? Can't think of any society in the world where it is acceptable.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/04/2016 11:38

My DH's parents were cousins. He and his siblings are all lovely. The genetics aspect of incest is overstated in popular culture. There can be issues, but they aren't that much more likely between cousins than they are between random members of the population unless there's a family tradition of marrying relatives.

Looking for a house together after three months when there are children involved doesn't sound that wise, but the only thing not supporting them will do is hurt the children. YABVU.

Babyburd · 09/04/2016 11:38

OP, I'm with you on this for all of the reasons that you have listed.

It's unlikely you will be able to hide your discomfort from them, and actually, based on what you've said, they may well be looking for shocked reactions to gain attention / cause a stir etc; probably best to tell them honestly that because of how you view your cousins, you can't quite understand how they could see each other romantically; but that it's their life choice. Then just stay out of the impending drama that you foresee as best you can. X

Helenwiththebigmelons · 09/04/2016 11:39

Sorry, but it's disgusting in my opinion. As a PP pointed out, if they were to get married, their MIL's are sisters! Confused

It's not a cultural thing for them at all and I don't like it one bit.

That said, there isn't anything you can do. I feel for their kids too. You'll just have to keep a dignified/keep your distance or break away completely. I don't see how you could change your personal view on this

Piemernator · 09/04/2016 11:45

It may be legal but it's friggin weird.

Our cousin fancied one of my sisters and chased her about for years, bleurgghh. He is quite a gifted artist and had painted a portrait of her in the nude which was seen in his art studio by one of my other sisters. That caused a bit of a riot at the time apparently but I missed out on this as I was still at primary school.

gamerchick · 09/04/2016 11:47

Op, in my reply to you I considered asking if you were working up to linking the mother/son story currently in the media

I was waiting for that as well Grin

mudandmayhem01 · 09/04/2016 11:48

It wouldn't be for me personally but to dismiss as disgusting? I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with a tory voter or someone of the same sex but doesn't make these relationships wrong

Kennington · 09/04/2016 11:51

If you inter marry then you assuredly increase the chances of recessive traits being expressed, compared to the wider population
Tay Sachs is a good example of this. Imagine if you arrived your sibling. It is just an extension of this.
Inter marriage is a bad idea - nothing to do with being icky. Statistically you raise your chances of problems.
If you want to look a rare genetic diseases you would look at a more closed community, eg the rate of type I diabetes was higher in some Lincolnshire villages

mudandmayhem01 · 09/04/2016 11:55

The risk of abnormalities from occasional cousin marriage is very low ( the same as being an older mother according to pp) if it was high risk surely it would be outlawed like other closer pairings.

contrary13 · 09/04/2016 11:56

My maternal grandparents were cousins. My maternal aunt, married my paternal uncle (and in the medieval period, that was classed as incestuous, even though biologically, the groom's brother isn't related to the bride's sister!). Which means that one set of my cousins, my siblings and I share the exact same family tree - from grandparents up, I mean. Whilst there are congenital issues in the family - they come from my father's side, where my grandparents weren't related to one another, which we discovered when one of my cousins almost died as a baby (I remember a lot of people assuming that it was because our maternal grandparents were cousins - it wasn't. It was a quirk of DNA that ran through the 'Y' chromosome, ie, from our paternal grandfather).

Whilst I wouldn't get involved with any of my cousins, it's not really my place to judge someone else's actions if they choose to do so. And that would include one of my DBs getting involved with one of our cousins. Even one of our cousins who only share one side of the family with us.

As others have said: it happens.

UmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2016 11:56

It's wrong. I would never support my brothers if they were dating family members.

MissusWrex · 09/04/2016 11:59

It's fucking gross!

But in my family cousins are all very close, grew up together and have more of a sibling relationship which might strongly colour my view.

All the people in the world and you just 'have' to fuck your parents siblings child?

ThirtyNineWeeks · 09/04/2016 12:00

I had sex with my first cousin. We were on pretty hard-core drugs and it was still completely weird.