To not support my brother dating our cousin?

[ChickenDrumsticks]

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

[esiotrot2015]

It's none of your business really

[Thebrowntrout]

What do you suggest OP should do then, Derek?

I don't even know my cousins - only have two and haven't seen them for two years and for about a decade prior to that, so perhaps I'm a bit more laid back about it but a relationship isn't identical to yours because it has the same title.

In the same way that someone cohabiting with their brother is different if they've only just been reunited.

[Steben]

I'd be very uncomfortable, I view my cousins as brothers to be honest so it would be even more of an ewwww factor for me.

[Unicow]

It would creep me the hell out tbh. I would really struggle with it but would try and at least be civil for the sake of both sets of kids. It isn't the kids fault so I would try and look past the creepy for their sake if nothing else. Also it may yet fizzle out pretty fast but The more objections are raised the more likely they are to try and stay together to prove everyone wrong.

[ShowOfHands]

The genetic risks for any theoretical children are negligible actually. Barely different to the standard risks.

It is unusual. It probably feels very strange to you. However, it's not your life and it isn't legally wrong. You have your own choice to make, just as they made theirs. You accept it or you don't. If you don't, that is your choice. Doesn't make their choice wrong.

[KondosSecretJunkRoom]

It's weird. It might be legal but it's grim. I would be mortified too especially if they get married and have children. Making mil and fils out of aunts and uncles and step brothers and sisters out of cousins and subsequent children are half brothers/ sisters and cousins.

I mean it might not be incest in law but it's so self-referring it's, I can't think of a better word than grim.

[Mousefinkle]

I think it's only weird if you're close to them. I have a huge extended family including loads and loads of second and third cousins I've never met or certainly haven't seen for many years. There's every chance I could have met one of them online or in a bar and be none the wiser that they were related. But that's more distant and not purpose. If you've grown up close to them I find that quite strange. But I saw a newspaper headline about a mother wanting her son's child so meh, a lot less strange than that scenario...

[JustEat314]

I'd be a bit shocked too, but you have to try not to react, outwardly anyway, because they'll make you the bad guys. No matter how you feel I'd advise faking insouciance.

Not only is it legal but their risk of having a child with a problem is only very marginally higher. Problems come when the ''inter marriage" is repeated within the same extended family over several generations.

[lalalalyra]

a one off occasion of cousins marrying has pretty much zero genetic risks for the children. The problems come when there are multiple generations of it.

Its perfectly legal and entirely up to them. Only you can decide on your stance on it, but if you decide to openly be against it then be prepared to deal with damage you will do to your relationship with your brother. You are well within your rights to not be supportive, but he's well within his rights to react to that as well.

And it's not incest. Incest would be having a relationship with you, or one of your parents.

[JasperDamerel]

My grandparents were first cousins. I don't think it's a big deal.

[HPsauciness]

I have no problem with this at all. Don't get the 'ugh' and faces being pulled, in the past people couldn't choose anyone from all around the world, they chose people they knew in a small village or the next village, often cousins or second cousins or related in some way. Nothing terrible about it to me.

[JustEat314]

What will an obviously outward eeeooow reaction achieve Derek!?

I have lots of cousins and a brother and if this every happened so unlikely I'd do my level best not to react.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

The risk of genetic disorders is really minimal.

"Children of first-cousin marriages have a doubled risk of genetic disorders (although scientists contend that this is relatively small at five percent, compared with a three percent risk for children whose parents are not genetically related to each other)".

It's not really a logical reason to be against it.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Oops source: www.plosbiology.org/article/info:doi/10.1371/journal.pbio.0060320

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Might be weird but it is not incest and I would advise you to not refer to it as such to them.

[Alicekeach]

My grandparents were cousins and I've turned out fine!

[Wishfulmakeupping]

It would make me cringe but in my experience if you try and put pressure on him or are negative you could end up pushing them closer together 'us vs them' scenario so I would choose my words carefully.

[SaucyJack]

I think it's a bit grim, and there's no need for it in 21st Century life. Maybe if you had a castle you needed to keep in the family, or you lived in a remote village 100 miles from the next settlement then there might be an excuse for it, but generally that's not the case these days.

It's the wedding bit that gets me. You know when you go to a standard wedding, and you sit on the "bride or groom" side? Well, for a cousins wedding..... do people just sit wherever?

Not for me.

[GissASquizz]

I'd be worried that if it goes to hell it'll make family gatherings tres awkward.

[CwtchesAndCuddles]

I have known two married couples who were first cousins, while unusual it's not illegal ! Both couples had children and had supportive close family.

You sound very judgemental especially trying to turn your mother against her son! You have assumed it is incest and over reacted!

[luckiestgirlintheworld]

You can't help who you love.
You personally wouldn't do it, but he has chosen to, so if I were you I would support him. I'm sure it would mean a lot if his sister didn't judge him.

[ANewIdentitytoJazzItUpABit]

Meh. A little awkward but nothing terrible.

[theclick]

I had no idea this wasn't illegal.

I would find it very odd - but what can you do? Just put a face on and support them. By the way, he's being incredibly immature with the Facebook posts.

[ScarletForYa]

In itself the cousin thing is not great but common enough, especially in some cultures.

However He said he wanted a girlfriend who was a mum so he could have a ready made family would worry me. Why? Why would he specifically want a woman with children when he already has two of his own?