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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
gleam · 09/04/2016 12:00

YABU, imo.

And you risk losing your relationship with your brother and your cousin.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/04/2016 12:02

If he asks for your opinion the best thing to say would be a simple "I wasn't expecting that" and "it will take a bit of getting used to" and leave it at that.

BackInTheRealWorld · 09/04/2016 12:02

The only problem I'd have is if and when they split up it will make family gatherings a bit awkward.
But sounds like half the family are being arseholes about them already so you have got the awkward family gatherings covered anyway.

jacks11 · 09/04/2016 12:03

I don't really think it is any of your business, really. You are entitled to your opinion, of course, and are not required to be happy for them but that really is as far as it goes. It's not something I would choose to do, but it's hardly unheard of. It is certainly not illegal.

If you can't be pleasant and keep your opinions to yourself when in their company that maintain a dignified silence and keep away as much as possible. Not sure what you would hope to achieve by telling them exactly what you think about their relationship. I imagine it would only lead to conflict and animosity between you and your brother, and possibly even your wider family. I really don't think it is worth the trouble just for the satisfaction of letting your opinion be known on the matter.

It doesn't sound like you get on well/have a close relationship with your brother anyway (and I have sympathy- my brother is a complete pain), so I doubt you want to have a close relationship with them.

BoatyMcBoat · 09/04/2016 12:04

I have married first cousins in my family. One of them is my first cousin, and the other is first cousin to him but not to me, iyswim. It's not incest.

They are immensely happy together, the most compatible couple I've ever come across in sickness and in health etc. They are absolutely brilliant together.

Your brother and your cousin could be making the most successful relationship in your whole family. It would probably be a good idea - if they decide to have children together, because 4 kids isn't anything like enough after all - for them to have their genes checked, if it's possible. If they each have a recessive gene for something nasty, which quite possibly wouldn't have shown up in the family yet, then they need to be aware of the reality of the odds first.

DancingDinosaur · 09/04/2016 12:05

My dh's parents were cousins. I expect my dh and his sister, who were born with serious disabilities, would be pleased to hear that the risks of this happening were minimal. I expect dh would have been further cheered to hear that the chances of him then going on to develop a rare cancer later on in life, that his own father died of, were also rare. Unfortunately I can't ask dh's thoughts on that as the same rare cancer went on to take dh's life in his mid 40's.
I would urge your brother to get genetic testing done if they plan to have children op.

ShinyTurd · 09/04/2016 12:06

I'm with you OP, it may be legal but it's gross. Imagine if they split up, it could wreck the entire family. You are right to not be supportive, I certainly wouldn't be.

ChasingPavements · 09/04/2016 12:07

DancingDinosaur Flowers

YounicorneNumbers · 09/04/2016 12:09

I knew a woman whose parents were 1st cousins and she married her 1st cousin. I think that's splashing about in the shallow end of the gene pool but [shrugs]

FelicityR313 · 09/04/2016 12:10

Here is the list of whom you are not allowed to marry

www.genetic-genealogy.co.uk/Toc115570145.html

"No cousins are mentioned, which is surprising since double first cousins (first degree and normal) are equivalent in their relationships to full and half sibs respectively. Also, half sibs are not mentioned, but I think the inclusion of half sibs is implicit in the general terms 'brother' or 'sister'.In the same vein half uncles, half aunts, half nephews and half nieces are implicitly included with their full counterparts.This is made clearer in later lists where half sibs are referred to specifically."

ridingabike · 09/04/2016 12:13

It's not incest and is legal. Maybe it should be illegal, I don't know if its that great for the gene pool if first cousins have kids.

I had a very brief fling with a first cousin when I was 18. However, we didn't meet each other until we were both 18. I think if you've grown up together it's more of an issue, because you are more like brother and sister.

I'd just let it go. It may not last; if it does you should be happy for them.

And if you're really not happy, agitate for a change in the law!

EatShitDerek · 09/04/2016 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FelicityR313 · 09/04/2016 12:15

It also goes on to say

"Comments on the 1986 Regulations

My criticism is that there are still no sensible rules about marriage between 'blood' relatives. The only logical way would be to fix an obligate level of inbreeding beyond which it is not permissible to go. For example, if the maximum coefficient of relationship between partners is fixed at 1/8, this would limit the coefficient of inbreeding to 1/16 (6.25%). Marriages between single first cousins would then still be allowed but not between double first cousins. It would also allow unions between half uncle and half niece and between half aunt and half nephew. If this was introduced the list of forbidden marriages between'blood' relatives would then become:

Relationship

R

Parent-child

1/2

Full Sib

1/2

Half Sib

1/4

Double First Cousins (first degree)

1/2

Double First Cousins

1/4

Grandparent-grandchild

1/4

Uncle-niece and Aunt-nephew

1/4

Also any other unusual cousin or other relationships with an R value of 1/4 or above (see enhanced relationships.)

These figures could only be used as a guide since previous inbreeding (known or unknown), particularly in small closed populations could cause nominally low relationships such as first cousin (R = 1/8) to rise above 1/4. In these special situations it would be necessary to have a genetically qualified panel to assess the wisdom of certain marriages. The presence of any known inherited abnormalities in a family would also have to be taken into account."

I wouldn't be ok with it, nor supportive of it. It's just a bit too close or something. I can't quite put my finger on why I feel it's wrong or strange, but the feeling is inherent in me and not related to genetics.

UmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2016 12:22

We're not even blood relatives of our cousins as we're adopted but it would still be rank.

mudandmayhem01 · 09/04/2016 12:23

Derek, if your completely unrelated brother and sister decided to marry, you wouldn't really be in a position to allow it or not. It might be weird but there would obviously be no genetic problem with that one.

CandyFlossBrain · 09/04/2016 12:24

I do find it a bit ick that adults with the same grandmother want to get together, but it's not illegal.

And any couple could have birth complications. Complications are likely when it's a case of cousin marriage throughout generations, but an isolated case is only going to have a slightly higher chance.

Abed · 09/04/2016 12:25

I'm another one who had an encounter with a first cousin Blush

Nothing wrong with it as far as I'm concerned but I can understand why people would be weirded out.

HermioneJeanGranger · 09/04/2016 12:27

Why can't do completely non-blood related people marry? Confused

I read of two teenagers of single parents who dated, and their parents met and got married, making them step-siblings. They stayed together, and why not? A bit unusual but there's no blood relation there.

EarthboundMisfit · 09/04/2016 12:40

It would creep me out, but I wouldn't say anything and I'd just get used to it.

freshprincess · 09/04/2016 12:50

In my own family, cousins on my mums side would be icky. We all grew up together, they're like extra brothers.

On my dads side, we have a couple who we've never met as they live in NZ. Would be kind of odd, but not the same level of ick.

I'd have to say something to one of my siblings in the first scenario. Not sure what though.

grannytomine · 09/04/2016 12:55

We have friends who are married and cousins. My niece married her cousin, he isn't related to me as he is from the other side of her family. Her children are lovely. I don't see what the problem is.

DistanceCall · 09/04/2016 12:59

This is a cultural thing. I live in Spain, and there are absolutely no negative connotations about cousins having sex or marrying. And the children are fine.

It's the sort of thing that people hear in American films and really don't get here. ("What's the joke about his parents being cousins?")

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 09/04/2016 12:59

I find it weird, the couple would share the same Grandparents!

My dd and her cousin look like brother and sister - it would feel like incest if when they are adults they formed a relationship.

Yanbu op but I guess there isn't much you can do about it other than suggest they think very carefully before having children.

DistanceCall · 09/04/2016 13:01

Oh, and EatShitDerek, I really can't see how you "wouldn't allow that". Do you own your siblings or something?

DistanceCall · 09/04/2016 13:01

They would only share one set of grandparents. So?

Oh, and EatShitDerek, I really can't see how you "wouldn't allow that". Do you own your siblings or something?