To not support my brother dating our cousin?

[ChickenDrumsticks]

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

[ScarletForYa]

ChickenDrumsticks

You shrugged at him wanting 'a ready made family' -I wouldn't be do so quick to shrug that off. That's an unusual wish for a man with two existing children. A man that was trying to get his ex pregnant since the time he met her. A woman he now calls a psycho.

So, put it this way, he seems more interested in children than the quality of his supposed romantic partners. One a psycho and now his cousin.

Maybe his interest is innocent but maybe it isn't.

I don't understand why he wants a ready made family when he already has his own children.

You called him Weird and creepy I'd be suspicious of him and his motives.

[newyear16]

My great aunt married her cousin. No problem from the rest of the family as far as i know. However they decided not to have children.

[DistanceCall]

EatShitDerek, being the oldest doesn't mean that you can tell your siblings what they can and cannot do with their lives. So no, sorry, if they felt like it, there would be nothing you could do to "not allow it".

You sound delightful.

[HandbagCrazy]

There is a marriage in my family between step-siblings (brought up completely seperately, didn't meet until they were late teens). It's not illegal and they are happy - but their kids got teased about it. They are adults now and it doesn't bother them but when younger they had a hard time.

Yes I think it's weird but there's nothing you can do. Your options are to voice your opinion to a couple who won't care about your lack of approval, or keep them in, put a fake smile on and hope you get used to it.
I would do the latter

[Theoretician]

I haven't read the whole thread. Has anyone yet mentioned the man in the news recently who is in a relationship with his mother?

He was separated from her at a young age and only met her again as an adult. He is leaving his wife to be with her. Apparently it is a common thing for close genetic relatives who first meet as adults to be attracted to each other. People with similar genetics are naturally attracted to each other, if they don't bond at a young age then the natural taboo against sexual relationships doesn't get established.

I think this is the same story.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3529572/I-m-love-son-want-baby-Mother-falls-son-gave-adoption-32-years-ago.html

www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/mother-says-sex-son-incredible-7712560

[Thebrowntrout]

You don't control people's thoughts Derek

You're reacting very strongly to this!

[Boomingmarvellous]

Mentioned already by op and totally irrelevant.

[mudandmayhem01]

No one is saying that would be a desirable situation, what they are saying in that theoretical situation you wouldn't have any say, quite a difference.

[Thebrowntrout]

Quite, mud!

[angielou123]

If they had children there would be nothihng wrong with them, well, no more than any other pregnancy. It must seem not right to you if you've all grown up together, but it's legal and there's nothing you can do.

[SecretWitch]

Meh. Two of my cousins married each other. They have four children. It's really not a big deal.

[notamummy10]

It's not incest, it's perfectly legal and personally I wouldn't object to it - if they're happy, what's the issue (is it that you are scared of what people may think of your family?) It's not like they are siblings, now that is incest. Also cousins only share 1/8th (12.5%) of the same DNA.

[SilverBirchWithout]

I wonder whether those people who are justifying their squeamishness by (largely illogical) worries about genes also believe people with genetic disorders shouldn't be permitted to have children?

The thing is relationships that have been considered taboos in the past were generally in place because of social necessity. When families were close, living under the same roof it was needed in order to protect individuals from too early sexual relationships, unfortunate consequences, or protect cousins being forced into marriages in order to protect family inheritances. iThis is where the cousin of sister-in-law/brother-in-law taboos and laws came from.

[MarbleFox]

YABU and YANBU.
Personally, I think it's very weird and I find it disgusting. The thought of being in a relationship with one of my cousins makes my skin crawl. I couldn't careless if it's legal, it's still wrong in my eyes.

However, if I were you I'd bite my tounge and be civil to them both as at the end of the day, whether I agree with or not, it's their decision. If he outright asks you what you think then say something neutral and diplomatic like, "Honestly, I find it a little strange but it's your life and your decision. I hope you're both happy together". You don't need to mean it to say it either.

[Imonlydancing]

DH's aunt married her first cousin (don't know what the relation is to him from the guys side) but anyway, they had 25 years of marriage and two children. Fine.

Then they divorced. The whole family were unsure what to do, family gatherings are kept secret from one or the other, everyone gets pumped for information, stories emerge that split allegiances because everyone is protecting their family. So from that angle, I don't think its a good idea!

[ThirtyNineWeeks]

Why should she lie by saying, 'I hope you're very happy together'? What happened to telling it like it is?

[MarbleFox]

Well, as others have pointed out it's not illegal and from the information I've gleaned from this thread it appears that if they do decide to have children there will be no substantial health risks for the child. What's she supposed to say exactly?
I feel it's wrong...
I think it's incest...
Etc. Etc.
It doesn't really matter what OP thinks or feels as it's not her life or relationship. She can't dictate to her brother who he can or cannot be in a relationship with so what's the point in her tearing the guy to shreds. I think it will only lead to arguments, tears and a lot of pain while he carries on the relationship. Surely it's better to make it clear your don't approve but be tactful about it?

As I said it doesn't sit comfortably with me and I'd never do it but I would launch an attack on members if they did.

[AndYourBirdCanSing]

I can see why you wouldn't want your siblings getting together Derek even if no blood is shared.

With regards to cousins, I do find it very strange. I would not be happy if it was my child and one of their cousins

[MarbleFox]

I wouldn't launch an attack on a member of family! Sorry, I need to start rereading things before I press post.

[NickiFury]

Hard to differentiate between "telling it like it is" and being an obnoxious, opinionated arsehole a lot of the time IMO.

[acatcalledjohn]

My grandparents were cousins. As a result the existing arthritis is much amplified -my DF and his sister both suffer- and presents itself very early (my dad had his first joint replacement in his late thirties). I'm dreading getting older as I have the musculoskeletal structure of my DF, so am likely to develop the same amplified version of arthritis.

If they want children they need to be very aware of existing conditions on your mother's side of the family. If they don't want kids, then leave them be. It's legal, just not without risk.

[contrary13]

Further to my post upthread, where I mentioned that my maternal aunt married my paternal uncle, I've just spoken to my oldest DB about it. I was very young when they got married, and barely remember anything about it, to be honest, but he said that the marriage caused huge uproar in the family. My mother was apparently furious that her 19 year old sister was marrying her 27 year old brother-in-law - and said, all along, probably in ominous tones "it won't end well...". DB said that, at the time, he thought it was because of the age gap (he was 16 when the marriage happened) and was just grateful that because our DM had tried to put her foot down and stop the marriage from happening, he no longer had to be part of the wedding party. However, in hindsight, he thinks that it was because of the fact that our DA and DU were already connected (in-laws) to both of our parents, rather than anything else.

The marriage didn't end well, incidentally. My DA had an affair and walked out on my DU and their children. But I dare-say she would have done the same, even if she'd married a man who wasn't my DF's youngest brother. By the time that happened, though, neither DA or DU were still on speaking terms with my DM at all - and I suspect that my DA never forgave my DM for going out of her way to ruin her first wedding day. By disapproving of their marriage, my DM effectively "lost" her only sister and completely destroyed her previously close relationship to her youngest BIL in one fell swoop. Had she kept her nose out of their business (both were consenting adults, after all) in the first place, now, almost 40 years later, she might have a relationship with them/her nephews and niece. But she didn't. My DF did keep his opinions to himself and, consequently, still has a close relationship with his brother and my cousins - even though I know, from things he's said in the past, that he wasn't entirely thrilled at the marriage, either.

(I'm also fascinated by the fact that - from having read this thread - my cousins are, genetically, essentially my siblings... It would certainly go a long way to explaining why my cousin's daughter is the image of me at that age, I suppose!)