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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
Cooroo · 12/04/2016 13:13

Cousins can marry. They do. Baffled by all this disgust. It is certainly none of the OP's business.

Marynary · 12/04/2016 13:53

It's not about it being sad or unfortunate for the children on a personal level, Nary more that if something quickly becomes a no go alley, maybe it shouldn't be started in the first place?

Nothing is being "started" though and it doesn't quickly become an "no go alley". It just gradually becomes more risky. Even if it happened twice the increased risk wouldn't be huge. Cousins used to marry all the time with no problems or issues e.g. Einstein or Darwin. Considering that in Western culture nowadays most cousins are unlikely to ever want to marry there seems no reason for it to be an issue for those that do.

Marynary · 12/04/2016 14:02

Example, there are about 60 (?) genes for cystic fibrosis for example so two cousins would be more likely to be healthy carriers of the same variant.

1 in 25 people are carriers anyway though and there are tests to see if you are carriers.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2016 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 14:07

Meh. I guess what you're saying is true, Nary . Exploring my own spontaneous 'ick' response to the situation, really. It is very a bad idea if repeated or endemic in a culture, certainly.

But your cousin, though? Envy (that's NOT envy)

TFPsa · 12/04/2016 14:17

I personally think that cousin marriages are horrible & to be discouraged whenever possible but, y'know, what can OP really [I]do[/I] about it, now that things have got this far, aside from annoy and potentially alienate a reasonably big slice of her family. Need to grin and bear it, probably.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 12/04/2016 14:18

Well seeing as we have so many children born with birth defects due to cousins having children together there is a reason why it is not such a good idea

I think attraction within families is very common, them being familiar and easy company, maybe being like you or one of your parents, it being taboo feelings can be heightened to make it all seem so much more exciting

I agree it's a bit icky but not much you can do unless you are ok with falling out with them

problembottom · 12/04/2016 16:23

It may be legal but it's pretty grim in my book. Cousins are close family and the thought of them shagging each other isn't a pleasant one. And even if there's a tiny increased risk of genetic conditions that's another reason to avoid the whole business.

MackerelOfFact · 12/04/2016 16:41

"The part of this that gets me is that I've yet to see a thread on MN where posters go ewwww, gross about gay men and/or lesbians, yet people are queuing up here about the cousins.

Also legal.
Also consenting adults.
Also none of your fucking business."

That's not the same at all. Gay people are only attracted to people of the same sex, they have no choice in the matter. Being 'eww gross' about gay or lesbian relationships would be passing negative judgement on 100% of their relationship options.

People who date their cousins are not exclusively attracted to family members. They can have a relationship with whoever the hell they want, yet out of 7.4 billion people they have inexplicably chosen one of the handful who are the most closely related to them. If they do happen to be exclusively attracted to members of their own family, then, well... that's going to end up skirting pretty close to the edge of the law, isn't it?

stairway · 12/04/2016 17:05

At the end of the day you can't help who you fall in life with though mackeral.
Should it be encouraged no.. But if it happens spontaneously I don't see the problem.
There was a couple in Germany who were actually siblings and both had been in prison because of it with and so.e of there children had been taken away it didn't stop them though. Even in that case I think they should have been left alone. I only think incest involving a child or vulnerable adult should be prosecutable by law.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 17:11

At the end of the day you can't help who you fall in life with though mackeral

I always Hmm when I hear this.

You can help it by not dating your cousin enough to fall in love with him.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2016 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MitzyLeFrouf · 12/04/2016 17:18

Even in that case I think they should have been left alone. I only think incest involving a child or vulnerable adult should be prosecutable by law.

I think if the siblings have no chance of reproducing it's one thing, it's still gross but they're not harming anyone. But sibling couples that are having kids? The law should definitely step in.

stairway · 12/04/2016 17:19

I think the sibling german couple didn't grow up together and met later in life. I'm not sure if they new they were related when they got together. I did feel sorry for them really, they just couldn't be separated but at the sane time could never be accepted by society the way they were.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 17:42

I remember the German case... I think they didn't find out they were related until they'd had at least one child. I did feel sorry for them.

But "falling in love" (as a pp so romantically put it) with someone whose been a known family member all your life? Err...

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 17:43

*who's

iLoveTea314 · 12/04/2016 17:44

There is an Irish couple, it turned out her father had had a son before he met and married her mother. They had one child too. I think they are in hiding in the UK because the media was so desperate to get their names and faces in to the papers. I'm glad for them that they failed

iLoveTea314 · 12/04/2016 17:44

They were only half brother and sister of course. Their child was fine.

stairway · 12/04/2016 18:04

Interestingly Napoleon made incest legal in France. It's also legal to marry your sister in Sweden apparently. Not that I think it's a good thing btw.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 18:18

It's also legal to marry your sister in Sweden Um, your brother too then, presumably? Hmm

It's not, actually, although various liberal movements have called for its legalisation - and that of necrophilia - between consenting adults (htf can a corpse 'consent'?) and it's being talked about.
yuk

Amummyatlast · 12/04/2016 20:24

I don't get the ick factor. I have lots of first, second and third cousins, some of whom I have never met or met briefly many many years ago. I don't particularly think of them as family.

echt · 12/04/2016 21:34

That's not the same at all. Gay people are only attracted to people of the same sex, they have no choice in the matter. Being 'eww gross' about gay or lesbian relationships would be passing negative judgement on 100% of their relationship options.

Possibly I did not make myself plain enough. Not having a choice about being gay does not make the eww comments about cousins justified.

Plenty of people think eww/gross about homosexuality while accepting it is not a choice, but would have their arses handed to them on a plate for expressing it, not least here on MN. Yet for some reason, it's open season on the cousins.

It is entirely the cousins' business as consenting adults.

The intolerant attitudes expressed by so many, as well as the pig ignorance about genetics has been a real eye opener on this thread.

( Before anyone starts to pile in, I am well aware of the effects of continued inbreeding, which is not the same as the instance mentioned in the OP)

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2016 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

echt · 12/04/2016 21:45

It's not incest.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2016 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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