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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support my brother dating our cousin?

432 replies

ChickenDrumsticks · 09/04/2016 09:47

My brother has announced he is dating our cousin, and has been for around 3 months. She's Mum's sister's daughter. They have been posting lovey-dovey statuses on Facebook and have (according to mum) got very pissy when people have made criticisms. They both have 2 children from previous partners and are looking at buying a house together.

AIBU to not be supportive of this relationship? The kids are all between 8 and 11 and I worry it could adversely affect them. We live in a small town and it's only a matter of time before their school mates clock on.

We were very close as children and went on holidays etc together. The thought of seeing them kiss and cuddle absolutely turns my stomach.

My sister is with me on this, but mum is in denial saying she doesn't see the problem. He hasn't spoken to me directly about it (the announcement was a Facebook post along the lines of "no one has the right to judge us, love conquers all blah blah blah") but if he does I just can't pretend I'm OK with it

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 12/04/2016 10:02

Grin eatshit

MrsEricBana · 12/04/2016 10:03

I don't have and sibs or cousins but dh does and the thought of him having a relationship with his adult cousin, who is like a sister to him/us, is very disturbing, legal or not.

squoosh · 12/04/2016 10:16

Confess to eating a spoonful of sugar and you're on the condemned list. Shag the relations and we're as chilled as fuck.

Grin Grin

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 10:27

I'm with eatshit

The thought of it makes me wince. What I'm not understanding on this thread is the posters - and there have been lots of them - saying that it is OK as a one-off. Really? If something is only OK as a one-off then it's really not very OK at all is it?
If it's really totally fine and no problem for one cousin couple, then it should also be for their offspring, and then theirs, and then theirs. But it's not.

Most animals have an inbuilt incest taboo (they know nothing of legal definitions), recognising and avoiding breeding with close relatives by smell, by only choosing new members of the group to breed with, or by young adults leaving groups to join new ones... unless there are no alternatives, in which case they may, though mice have the ability to abort and rebreed if a non-relative comes along when they are pregnant!

Just, you know, spread those genes!

MackerelOfFact · 12/04/2016 10:32

I would personally find it weird, and it would unsettle me deeply within my own family. I'm not even particularly close to any of my cousins and several of them are adopted, so not even blood relatives, but it wouldn't sit right with me at all.

The thought of having the same grandparents as a partner feels jarring - and I would find my son and niece having a sexual relationship very wrong, TBH.

The worst thing IMO though would be if or when they break up. It would pretty much destroy the entire family, or at the very least alter the family dynamic permanently.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2016 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShelaghTurner · 12/04/2016 11:31

Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Have a cousin married to her cousin (on the other side so not both my cousins). They researched a lot, took advice etc and there were no objections at all. Their parents weren't crazy about the idea but came round and they married. 5 years later she's now pregnant and everyone is delighted. They're extremely happy together and well matched. That's what matters as far as I can see.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 11:34

Still gross.

Marynary · 12/04/2016 11:40

The thought of it makes me wince. What I'm not understanding on this thread is the posters - and there have been lots of them - saying that it is OK as a one-off. Really? If something is only OK as a one-off then it's really not very OK at all is it?

Whether or not it makes you wince is irrelevant. If it is a one-off it doesn't significantly increase the risk of abnormalities in any children from the relationship. Therefore if both people in the relationship are consenting adults, it is nobody elses business.

echt · 12/04/2016 11:48

The part of this that gets me is that I've yet to see a thread on MN where posters go ewwww, gross about gay men and/or lesbians, yet people are queuing up here about the cousins.

Also legal.
Also consenting adults.
Also none of your fucking business.

squoosh · 12/04/2016 11:51

But gay couples aren't generally related. Although if they were cousins I might inwardly 'ewww'. It's the familial link that makes cousin love so unappealing.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 11:56

If it is a one-off it doesn't significantly increase the risk of abnormalities in any children from the relationship

That may be true, but my point was that it is hugely unjust and unfair to say "It's OK for them and all your friends, but not for you" to the offspring of a cousin couple.

If cousin parenting can only be done once, and the next generation are effectively denied the same choice as their parents to avoid the bad effects, then there is something wrong with the first instance. Very unfair on the children to compromise them.

As well as me just not "accepting family shagging!" Grin

Straightjacketneeded · 12/04/2016 11:57

If they have children the risk of many genetic disorders will be a lot higher than normal. Its very strange and I feel sorry for their other children

echt · 12/04/2016 12:03

The genetic risks are overstated, and only really kick in when there is a history of cousins marrying cousins, e.g. Saudi Arabia.

The risk for one-off marriages is little more than attached to older women having children.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 12:10

The risk for one-off marriages is little more than attached to older women having children

The risk of what? Older mothers are no more likely to pass on genetically heritable conditions than anyone else; and it is those such conditions that are the risk with inter familial marriages.
If an older mother has "normal" children (as I did) then any associated risks stop there. There is nothing to pass on genetically to the next generation.

Marynary · 12/04/2016 12:43

That may be true, but my point was that it is hugely unjust and unfair to say "It's OK for them and all your friends, but not for you" to the offspring of a cousin couple.

It may seem "unjust" that it is okay (as far as offspring are concerned) if it is a one-off versus vs. not but that is the law of nature!

Marynary · 12/04/2016 12:45

But gay couples aren't generally related. Although if they were cousins I might inwardly 'ewww'. It's the familial link that makes cousin love so unappealing.

That's just your personal opinion though. Some people may find the idea of gay couples much less appealing than cousin love. Either way, it is nobody else's business.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2016 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2016 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marynary · 12/04/2016 12:55

If cousin parenting can only be done once, and the next generation are effectively denied the same choice as their parents to avoid the bad effects, then there is something wrong with the first instance. Very unfair on the children to compromise them.

Eh!? You are arguing that it is unfair to marry a cousin because it means that descendants will be "denied" the opportunity to do the same thing? Considering that they are very unlikely to want to marry a cousin in the first place (in Western cultures) it doesn't really seem like a terrible thing to do.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 12:56

If gay cousins got married, I would think it was icky.

There are plenty of things legal in countries all over the world that are horiffic.

Just because something is legal, doesn't mean it's ok.

iLoveTea314 · 12/04/2016 12:59

I would keep my gob shut, but a poster upthread said her parents are cousins and she and her sister are tall and blonde and goodlooking and clever. She's missing the point. completely Example, there are about 60 (?) genes for cystic fibrosis for example so two cousins would be more likely to be healthy carriers of the same variant. I don't disagree with the statistics that cousins are only marginally more likely to have a child with an issue. But genetic health isn't to do with being tall and blonde, geez!

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 13:01

but a poster upthread said her parents are cousins and she and her sister are tall and blonde and goodlooking and clever

Missed that. Anyone know if Samantha Brick's parents are cousins?!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2016 13:06

Necrophilia and beastiality is legal in some countries, and as ESD says. In some countries. It's legal to rape your wife. Now I hope to God noone is going tell me any of those are "fine", because they're legal. Like I've previously said.
Legal doesn't always= moral

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 12/04/2016 13:06

It's not about it being sad or unfortunate for the children on a personal level, Nary more that if something quickly becomes a no go alley, maybe it shouldn't be started in the first place?

One purpose of sexual reproduction is to help protect against undesirable heritable conditions.

I'm also not getting the comparison with gay relationships!

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