To judge the parents of a child who always has extremely knotty, unkempt hair?

[OhGodNotAnotherUserName]

Would this fall into neglect? There is a child I know, who is 9 and she always has extremely knotty hair - as in almost her whole head of hair is one massive knot. She is also a very shy child. The mother just laughs it off when it is mentioned, saying that her DD doesn't like having it brushed.

I can't help feeling this is neglectful. I know that other children tease the girl because of it and she generally seems like she lacks confidence etc.

The excuse doesn't really wash with me either, my DD who is 4 doesn't like her hair brushed sometimes but there is no way I would go a day without brushing it.

AIBU for this to spike my concern? I feel sorry for the girl and feel I can't help being judgemental to the mother. AIBU?

it would have been unlikely for it to have done so unless you lived in a very very forward thinking area.

Hmm, I did consider this, but then I counted up the friends I had both in and out of school, who lived in childrens homes (due to parental neglect /abuse.) And it was a surprisingly high number. Which is weird looking back. As I didn't meet them through eachother, (which would have been a reason for knowing so many.) . I don't think I lived in a forward thinking area particularly, although these children were obviously under the radar. 1970's.

I live in a very culturally diverse area in the UK where white british people are in the minority. I have yet to see an Asian/African/eastern European child who is unkempt.
FWIW my dd is one of only 5 kids in her class who is white.
To not brush your kids hair is neglect, I am guessing this chid is Caucasian?
Ever had to deal with afro hair? I can assure you it is very time consuming. I'm curly haired my Mom used to spend hours sorting out my unruly barnet

But do you know what that abuse was dancing as a kid I had a friend tell me she was in care due to shoplifting, this was not true her mother was a drug addicted prostitue who was pimping her out but in her head it was because she was naughty. She also would sooner have died than disclosed the real reason to anybody none professional

I definitely do for 2 of them as they were, and still are, best friends. I wouldn't like to say for sure for the others, as its obviously from a childs perspective and I lost contact with them.

We are all too PC to see what is in front of our bloody eyes.

We are all too PC to see what is in front of our bloody eyes

Says the poster who thinks odd socks and a none matching outfit are safeguarding issues

different granted I may be misremembering as at the moment I'm quite unwell (sickness and bad headache) but prior to 1989 the definition of significant harm was pretty much tied in with the criminal standards of behaviour. And it was the 89 childrens act that changed it, not evidence wise but what was considered to be significant harm. I'm incredibly glad it's different now but from my recollections child protection in many ways was pretty dire 30/40 years ago. Some things were better like the amount of support on offer that is now either not availible or not provided directly by SW's or LA employed family support workers.

But certainly when I had my eldest children (early 90's) what was tolerated and not actioned was pretty bad in comparasion to these days. Back then a child would have had to seriously badly be being neglected more so than being the smelly kid nobody wanted to play with, I can't even bring myself to describe some of the states children were left in before threshold was considered.

I think children that tease others for being 'odd' need to be taught decent behaviour by their parents.

it really isnt as simple as that wash it is something that would be noted and dentists do make safeguarding referals a lot of them for neglect relating to teeth care, I did do a very brief post saying what most qualified SW's would be considering when assessing if it was an issue or not obviously it was not a full comprehensive one but it gave a good idea.

The problem you get is when people who are not qualified enough in the field or who have just heard or touched on in a 3 afternoon with the occasional refresher course or have had a mate who knows, or read it somewhere or heard it somewhere blah blah blah is that all that gets repeated is the end result (in this post that would be dental decay/unclean teeth) and they do not know what is done to get to the decision that it is as a result of neglect.

I know families who are fastidious about diet and tooth hygiene where every member has pretty crap teeth I also know families who are quite lapse about both and their teeth have few if any problems,

Obviously I'm now talking issues in isolation.
A dentist saying tooth issues were as a result of neglect is worth listening to, a SW who has seen a dental report made appropreate enquiries inc but not limited to house and routine checks who comes to the same conclusion is also worth listening to. One who has just seen kid has unclean teeth/bad breath written in a report or noted it themselves (where no concern about lack of dentist treatment exists) and formed that opinion without enquiries is rarely worth listening to and in all likelyhood has shoved it in a report as filler or not done their job correctly.

I find the kids with the holey school clothes unkempt hair and odd socks are the ones from 'old money' who have absolutely no concept of the shame of being poor

I had hair exactly like this as a child, super-fine and lots of it. It used to busy itself all day long tying itself into insoluble knots. I spent many, many nights having brushed it to oblivion, sitting up in bed and sleeping like that trying not to knot it up again. It didn't work.

I hated my hair for my whole childhood; it was cut short periodically and then as soon as I got to high school aged 11, I was left to battle with it on my own. It always looked absolutely dreadful.

It was only when I was an adult and had access to straighteners that I won the war on my hair and now it's glossy and completely manageable. My daughter has my type of hair and I straighten it. She's five. I've been judged on that here and I just shrug it off. Walk a day in my shoes...

You judging the parents satisfies only your own ego and sense of self-importance, none of which is worth a thing to anybody else. If you report it as some sort of neglect, I hope that you are roundly put in your place.

Can I suggest that it might be more appropriate to judge the parents of children who tease others because of their appearance than to judge the parents of children who look a bit different?

Well said. No excuse for teasing and bullying .The only thing is where a child smells it can be quite unpleasant for the others

Thanks cate it really winds me up when people look down on a parent for 'subjecting their child to bullying'. Unless the parent is the bully, they aren't responsible for the bullying - other parents are.

No wash it's not.

Again with hair as a isolated thing

How old is the child, is he/she making a fashion statement, is the child old enough to self care and do they have the required tools, does the child have sensory issues, does the child have any skin complaint that requires the use of topical lotions/creams/emollients that could hinder a good appearance, does the child have another medical condition that may contribute towards pain on brushing and is the child old enough to have an input into hair styles, what are the family values, does the child start each day looking reasonably presentable hair wise alone with several other things,

There are plenty of modern SW's who would treat one child in a family having short hair and others of the same gender having long as an issue itself, and several who would treat a child being made to cut their hair if they didn't want to as problematic. Ive sat in on a family meeting where a 2yo having a short hair style was commented on negatively because the same gender 3yo had long hair

You cannot look at appearance based things solely in isolation it does not work like that