To judge the parents of a child who always has extremely knotty, unkempt hair?

[OhGodNotAnotherUserName]

Would this fall into neglect? There is a child I know, who is 9 and she always has extremely knotty hair - as in almost her whole head of hair is one massive knot. She is also a very shy child. The mother just laughs it off when it is mentioned, saying that her DD doesn't like having it brushed.

I can't help feeling this is neglectful. I know that other children tease the girl because of it and she generally seems like she lacks confidence etc.

The excuse doesn't really wash with me either, my DD who is 4 doesn't like her hair brushed sometimes but there is no way I would go a day without brushing it.

AIBU for this to spike my concern? I feel sorry for the girl and feel I can't help being judgemental to the mother. AIBU?

Mine headbutts, bites and scratches if you try to brush his hair when he can't cope with it. I prioritse getting him in his taxi to school or out of the house early at weekends (before there are loads of people about). His hair won't drop out from not being combed.

That morning I should say. It is combed through every night.

Honking surely that's understandable then.

I think boys with short hair do best in the non-brushing scenario. It's 100% easier to check my husband's short hair for nits when the letter arrives, it takes about 2 min (he's never had them, I just check anyway). It's a half hour job each to check my dd's long hair.

I commented last night when the OP had only mentioned the hair issue so I believe based on that info my response still stands however with the additional information now added it does shine a different light!

OP in your original post you said knotted hair but this morning you have added it was severely matted, there's a big difference.

Now with more information about your childhood I'd be very wary about saying in contact with your parents, you must protect yourself, your MH and your family. Hoping you find the strength to do what's right for you

My hair was like that as a child. I have very fine hair that tangled easily and a very sensitive scalp so it hurt to have the tangles brushed out. I wasn't in the least bit neglected, I just had tangled hair. Even now, as an adult, I brush my hair through in the shower when it has conditioner in it, and then again after a gentle towel dry and don't brush it at all at any other time because of the pain.

Reward chart - tick
Conditioner- tick
Tangle teaser- tick

My two year old has no problem with any of the other issues raised. BUT she has very very curly hair that mere minutes after the aforementioned regime is finished will look like she has been dragged through a hedge backwards. So my original posts stand - i prioritise a happy, messy haired monkey to a tearful, distressed one.

Boys don't appear to have this problem of being hurt just to look good - it only continues into later life though doesn't it - crippled feet in stilletto shoes anyone?

My son, does he has long hair ( his choice) that gets very knotty too)

Bless you op, that's very upsetting. I think people do get so worried about being too judgey they can go a bit too far the other way. With school attendance also a problem it is a shame no help was sought by the other adults around you. Sadly it feels like services are so stretched I can imagine kids do still fall through the gaps. I have heard from teachers that dirtiness and unkempt hair can happen within all kinds of families and isn't a red flag on its own, they even saw it with middle class professional parents.

I would feel sad for the child but I also understand how kids can be. I have a curly haired DD who I didn't often bother brushing her hair until she was in pre school, it was always knotty and difficult to brush. We have a tangle teezer and hair oil to help. My youngest has straight hair which is much easier, except she twirls it round her fingers and so she now is sporting a matted dreadlock on the side of her head. I have sent her to nursery two days with this dreadlock tied into a pony tail because I can't remove it due to her screaming and wriggling and my back pain. She often goes to nursery in stained clothes because I don't want her staining her nice clean clothes with mud and paint. I do struggle to parent with back pain and mobility issues but not enough to concern anyone and there is no support to tap into anyway, I can imagine parents with depression will also have a tough time with the basics and there's no support for that either.

"I have a two year old who goes apoplectic when i go anywhere near her with a brush. Would you suggest physically restraining the child whilst inflicting pain so that the child has neat hair and conforms to your notion of socially acceptable appearance?? Because THAT would be abuse

So, bribe them, put a star chart up, let them play with the brushes in the bath. Do whatever you have to do to start getting the hair brushed, just as you do with all the other things two year olds don't like doing, like wearing reins, getting strapped in in the buggy, sitting in car seats, having their teeth brushed, wearing clothes, taking medicine. One of mine hated wearing shoes- should I have just let her run around without shoes on then in parks with dog mess and potentially glass on the floor?"

Well... I guess one difference might be that many of the rest of these are fundamental for their health, safety and well-being.

Having knotted hair makes ZERO difference to my two year old's quality of life.
None. If I was bribing him and doing star charts and "doing whatever I had to do" to get the hair brushed, it would be to avoid other people judging ME and so for MY comfort rather than for the wellbeing of my son.

And in a year or so we'll cut off all his curls and it will make naff all difference to the rest of his life whether or not we brushed his hair at two.

fusion exactly!

My DD has very thick curly hair and the hairdresser tells her she has enough hair for 2 people. When she was little she refused to have it cut at a salon. I ended up getting my sewing scissors out a couple of times. Shes in yr 3 and in the past year she's got so much better, to the extent she wants to wash it every day - I insist on every other day. Until then, I brushed it the day I washed it, the day after if I was lucky and then not for another week. DH had to force her in the bath at the weekend. As im poorly, she was too strong for me to man handle her into the bath. So it was pretty tangled and matted in places. From about 2/3 she hated baths and will only take showers now.
For anyone who's interested, I use the extra strength frizz ease on DD about 10 squirts on her thick brown curly hair which is a bit past her shoulders. My hair gets very tangled too. It's fine and blonde. I use Moroccan oil and have just bought miracle moist oil and finding it really fab. I put more on than is necessary and it is a little wet look to weigh the hair down, which stops some of the static and ensuing tangling. When DD wouldn't wash her hair I used to just use my fingers and reapply frizz ease regularly. She also has some sensory issues.

Op if you are still worried that is fine. You may wish to think about speaking to the teacher and although they will not give you info as to whether they are concerned too or if the child is under Sen, you will perhaps feel you have done what you needed to do. Please before all the parents with knotty haired children get upset with me, this situation is also to do with op and her experiences and given her experience, it is normal she is hyper vigilant. I would not have objected to someone talking about my DD when I just used to use a brush or my fingers to smooth the top as an attempt to hide the birds nest. The teachers were well aware of my health. If more people stepped up and said something there would be less abuse. I wish someone had seen me too. I was more emotionally abused still am all behind closed doors. I was always relatively well turned out though - my mother dragged the brush through my hair causing me a lot of pain. I'm so careful with my lovely DD.

OP, so sorry to hear about your childhood. As a PP said, it sounds like there were a lot of other signals that were ignored. I hope today we are more aware of child abuse and therefore there are professionals who would pick up on that. I think it actually matters more if a teacher would intervene than if a friend or neighbour might TBH. We can't do much about individuals and how they respond to something bad but we can make sure that teachers look out for abuse as part of their professional training.

I think there is a big difference between a child who is happy and confident, doing well at school, dressed in clean clothes, but has wild hair (yeah, got one of those!) and a child who is withdrawn, has poor attendance at school, wears dirty clothes, and also has extremely tangled hair with a bad infestation of nits. One is fine, the other is not.

A nine year old girl with hair so tangled it is all in one knot sounds neglectful. Poor little thing.

It's bad parenting ...I would judge !!

fusion I agree, if you have one child, they don't go to nursery and so don't risk getting nits, or have other school age children, there's no issue at all with messy/knotty hair, except of course, your child at three may also not want to have their curls cut off/sit still for scissors and at some point, to be able to care properly for their hair, it will require regular cutting, brushing and nit-checking/combing out whether or not your child really likes it!

I am more sympathetic to a toddler with wispy short hair not doing this than a 9 year old girl going to school with one large mat/knot as her hair. That's not ok.

OP, i'm so sorry you went through this as a child and I do agree with what some have said about it being difficult for some children.

However, you do something about it, you don't let them rule the nest and you brush it or comb it. Mine used to be terrible really curly and knotty.
I'd scream when mum did it because she hurt me and my head got really sore, my hair was short but unmanageable. My Dad would do it before he left for work, painstakingly going through all the knots.
One of you has it to do if your child has hair like this.

My dd hair was similar, but long. She loved her hair but when it started to matt together I had to get it chopped shorter and keep it like this.

OP, I don't think hair in itself would be enough to raise concerns.

Some children do just have hair that gets easily tangled and kind loving parents.

It really can be difficult to judge whether another parent is neglectful - there aren't always clear signs.

I agree tangle teasers don't work.

From what I see at swimming, tangle teasers work on some hair.

The tangle teaser doesn't work if you just use it on the top layer. You have to lift the hair up, and work on it bit by bit, it works a treat then even on really awful knots. My girls have knotty hair and tangle teasers and cheap poundshop conditioner are brilliant, especially if there's a nit check needed (this only seemed to be an issue til about 7/8 years old, now they never get nits).

But I don't know if they work on curly thick hair, I guess not as the teeth wouldn't go deep enough. I had a friend with lovely thick hair that took hours to dry and she used a wide toothed comb/fork.

If I mentioned all the other stuff - terrible attendance, bad teeth, was extremely withdrawn and shy, really bad self neglect that stayed with me until my mid/late teens, depression, parents emotionally and verbally abusive at home etc then people would be more likely to yes that sounds neglectful or that even if I said that the girl was me, and this happened in the '80s then you would be like 'poor OP'.

If you had mentioned all the other stuff - even if you had only mentioned the stuff that would have been visible to an external eye - you would undoubtedly have got very different responses. I was also very neglected as a child - abused by modern definitions - but my hair was always very well presented. So you have your answer: the state of a child's hair is not an accurate indicator either of how well cared-for they are, or of how well cared-for adults will perceive them to be. Also, times have changed. From what you describe, I imagine someone would intervene or at least make strenuous enquiries into your circumstances nowadays, as is most likely the case for me too. I am sorry for what you went through and that small everyday things are clearly giving you vivid memories that are hard to handle. Good luck deciding what to do about contact with your parents.

My dd has sensory processing issues (including tactile defensiveness) but there is no way I would let her go out with hair in one massive tangle. If the hair is that difficult to manage have it cut short, which is what I did with my dd when she was younger. Now she is 10yo she washes and brushes her own hair (which is also blonde and fine!)

Hair can be kept tidy if you use lots of conditioner and keep it tied back.

YANBU op