To judge the parents of a child who always has extremely knotty, unkempt hair?

[OhGodNotAnotherUserName]

Would this fall into neglect? There is a child I know, who is 9 and she always has extremely knotty hair - as in almost her whole head of hair is one massive knot. She is also a very shy child. The mother just laughs it off when it is mentioned, saying that her DD doesn't like having it brushed.

I can't help feeling this is neglectful. I know that other children tease the girl because of it and she generally seems like she lacks confidence etc.

The excuse doesn't really wash with me either, my DD who is 4 doesn't like her hair brushed sometimes but there is no way I would go a day without brushing it.

AIBU for this to spike my concern? I feel sorry for the girl and feel I can't help being judgemental to the mother. AIBU?

As a child my hair was so tangled that my mother regularly threatened to cut it all off (I could sit on it) every time it was washed. It was kept in a permanent plait as a knotted mess would DEFINITELY have caused tongues to wag at my school.

Now, I just thank God for my Tangle Teezer and hair conditioner - which wasn't around when I was a kid. It was Sunlight soap or Vosene. I'm ancient.

I still remember the pain of having my hair brushed out and would go to bed praying for straight hair. My mum even tried ironing it between brown paper as I was the only kid in school with such unruly hair.

I never had head lice as I was brought up with the firm rules of no hat/brush sharing. I think I must have been traumatised by the tangle pain as I would freak if anyone put their head near mine. The thought of having my head shaved was also a freak-out as I knew there was no way a lice comb would go through it. We were also lucky as there was only one nitty family in the school and we all avoided them (they were also smelly - even as kids we didn't want to play with them).

Anyway, back from Memory Lane. It would be none of my business (unless the child was the source of constant lice outbreaks), but I feel sorry for the child.

Why won't the school say anything? The RSPCA took the owner of a few ponies locally to court because their coats were so neglected one pony's tail got so tangled in a fence it couldn't move.

I would say absolutely yes. If she has messy hair, are her truth being cleaned, is she being properly fed. I work in SS & it could be a flag that otherthings are amiss. Think about it, why would you NOT make sure your DC's have clean tidy hair - clean hair doesn't knot. And if she's got matter hair that's so bad it's raising your hackles, is she clean?

For all you people saying none of your business, you're wrong. How else do alarms for neglect/emotional abuse etc get picked up?

Clean hair doesn't knot. Don't talk bollocks, Oxford, please

I completely agree Molly...Tell that to my fresh-out)of-the-bath daughter.

My son's hair was washed this afternoon. He has just spent 15 min rubbing it on his pillow so it will already be matted.

Think about it, why would you NOT make sure your DC's have clean tidy hair - clean hair doesn't knot.

Rubbish. You must have magic non-knotting hair. Plenty of people don't.

My daughter has ASD and won't tolerate her hair being touched.

You can't always 'tell' if a child has sensory issues.

She also looks like she's had a bear fight in the night, we're literally talking birds nest hair. She often goes to school like this & is absolutely not neglected.

I would expect the child's class teacher to be monitoring this child not a mum in the playground. I'm always v conscious of other mums with judgey pants on, it's an awful feeling

I agree with most of you. It's not really a child protection issue unless you truly suspect severe neglect which it doesn't sound like it. Some people are just scruffier than others. Let them be.

I'm just glad this thread wasn't about us

I think with the knotty hair, the bad teeth, the self neglect and poor school attendence, then yes all of these together should have been a red flag. But just the hair, not so much. Really someone should have noticed this and done something about it. I'm sorry you were let down op.

oxford

If you are actually anything other than admin staff believing clean hair does not get really knotted is a very dangerious path to tread, as is being quite blinkered about what could or could not in isolation indicate neglect.

dancing the op hasn't said how old she is now, today and for the last few years this certainly should raise more than passing concerns (based on the additional info the op gave) but late 60's through to about 95 it would have been unlikely for it to have done so unless you lived in a very very forward thinking area.

Sorry for what you went through, OP. In my case, I got so fed up with how difficult it was to brush my dd's hair, I once let her go all summer with her hair unkempt. Fortunately soon afterwards she learn to look after her own hair. She is now an adult and just recently told me how lucky she was to have me as a mother, so no, unkempt hair on its own, doesn't say very much.

I have 3 dc all with fine blonde hair. One always looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards despite the tangle teezer's efforts.

I just used to cut out my dd1's tangles because she couldn't bear to have it brushed - I had to sneak up behind her, snip and hide the scissors before she turned round!

She has lovely hair now and spends hours on styling it.

My DD's would be matted if it wasn't brushed and tightly plaited . It is neglectful to allow a child's hair to get into such a state.
I would only be concerned if there was other signs of neglect such as poor hygiene or malnutrition.

There is a girl in my DD's class; very well educated parents; but she is so poorly turned out. Odd socks, mismatched clothes and I'm afraid to say smells unwashed .
Patents are a law unto themselves and think that cleanliness is not an issue .( SS are involved I have on good authority)
Look at some of the poorest people in this World, they go that extra mile to ensure their children are presentable.

Katarzyna79 - you're wrong, dirty teeth are another flag.

Mismatched clothes would not usually be an issue, some people have different ideas about what matches and does not either way it's irrelivant, with a lot of families mismatched clothes are very much a lifestyle statement.

Neither are odd socks, there are actually companies who sell socks usually in bundles where none of them match they have the sole intention of being 'odd' and I understand they can be quite popular, I know everytime they are featured on zulliy they sell out quickly. For want of a better way of saying what I mean it can be a fashion statement or a lifestyle statement.

"We are so busy and important/ and enjoying life we do not see the need for things to match"

Even the smelling unwashed thing may not be a bad as it appears.

Does the child smell as if they haven't had a bath/shower that day or do they smell actually dirty, is it a musty clothes smell or that smell that can linger when you air dry clothes.

Differing standards are just that differing.

You could look at my kids whilst playing and think wtf is that child wearing odd socks lime green trousers and a orange sweatshirt none of that matches it looks ridiculous

I could look at someone else's and think wtf is that child wearing such a pristine matchy outfit whilst playing.

It's personal preferance.

The types of things that matter are stuff like are the items reasonably clean, do they fit reasonably well are they weather appropriate are they in reasonable condition (not talking about wear and tear or obviously very recently done damage or minor things like minor chewed sleeves on jumpers) are they at least vaguely age appropriate. Nobody is expecting someone's child to look like they just jumped off the pages of a next (or what ever the current high St shop of choice is) if we did all those kids that look like they just jumped out of the Boden catalogue would be in trouble (assuming boden still goes for the charming urchin or welly and tutu look)

My DD is 9 and has a tangle teaser. Still ends up with candy floss/dreadlocks after a day or so unless I brush it for her. She thinks she's old enough to do it herself, but actually just brushes all the knots down as far as her arm can reach until they're all bunched up together.

I've just convinced her to have it cut as she can't look after it herself, but the tears before school every day if I insist on doing it are just hell for us both.

Her hair looks greasy if its not washed every day and she also has BO as she is starting puberty quite early. I tell her to shower and put on deodorant regularly, but again, how well she is doing it is difficult to tell, as she washes herself in the shower now, as she is very self conscious about her developing body and wouldn't want me in the bathroom with her (she was mortified to find body hair today!)

She chooses odd socks because she likes the way they look. I've tried to explain that they look like she hasn't got matching pairs (she has hundreds!!) but she thinks its funny to wear random odd ones and she will choose tights with holes over and above non-holey ones because she prefers the colour or fit, fishing them out of the recycling when I try to dispose of them. When she appears otherwise ready for school at leaving time, I am loathe to send her back upstairs to get changed and make everyone late, so I'll let her go out in the holey ones. The others will only get holes the minute she kneels down anyway!

I'm sure people judge me as a mother (single parent) but she is a happy independent child who is full of confidence and is finding her own style, chooses what to wear and revels in being self-sufficient. I don't baby her, never have, and she will inevitably have lots of comments coming her way over the next year or two as she grows up more quickly than her friends. I only hope their parents are a bit less judgemental.

I think it is important that we conform to standards that are expected of us, I don't mean we should become dedicated followers of fashion, just be clean and presentable.
A child who smells bad and has matted hair, odd socks and stands out as being " odd" will be teased mercilessly.

you're wrong, dirty teeth are another flag

That depends, are the teeth in genrally good condition, does the child have regular dental appointments is any treatment prescribed by the dentist maintained, is the child just lazy about his dental health (as indicated by the poster who made the comment) or is the child not brushing full stop.

How old is the child, is he of an age and aptitude where he still reasonably requires assistance with teeth brushing or is he old enough to be doing so himself, does he have a reason for not doing it as often as required, what is the impact of his laziness.

All things that would be considered and enquired about

You haven't smelled the average teenage boy then AnotherPrickInTheWall!
Kids don't get teased for the things that adults decide are important.

Odd socks? Seriously!?

another but your looking odd may not be the same as someone else's idea of looking odd.

We live in a country where we have a very diverse and random fashion. I have a child whose idea of presentable is a full on top and tails with a cane and brogues and if it's a special occasion a monocle, I have another whose idea of presentable is a clean well fitting onesie, another who favours t-shirts combat trousers and jumpers when needed.

Not one of them have ever been bullied for their appearance.

You can drive through the UK and see very different fashions in different places often different areas of the same town will have a 'look' that outside of that area could be out of place.

Mostly this is a good thing, it would be very boring if something like dark blue jeans matched with a plain Tshirt was what everybody wore