To judge the parents of a child who always has extremely knotty, unkempt hair?

[OhGodNotAnotherUserName]

Would this fall into neglect? There is a child I know, who is 9 and she always has extremely knotty hair - as in almost her whole head of hair is one massive knot. She is also a very shy child. The mother just laughs it off when it is mentioned, saying that her DD doesn't like having it brushed.

I can't help feeling this is neglectful. I know that other children tease the girl because of it and she generally seems like she lacks confidence etc.

The excuse doesn't really wash with me either, my DD who is 4 doesn't like her hair brushed sometimes but there is no way I would go a day without brushing it.

AIBU for this to spike my concern? I feel sorry for the girl and feel I can't help being judgemental to the mother. AIBU?

How do you know that she has no sensory issues op? Are you a sensory OT?

I have a child with ethnic hair and sensory issues. She cannot stand the feel of brushes or combs on her scalp. You would have no idea of the battles we have to wash and brush her curls. We try, we lose. Judge away.

I think it's awful when people say things like "find something in your life to worry about" or that it's none of your business! You're voicing your concerns about a child's welfare! Why do others get so defensive?

No she's not.

Firstly, (as she says in her thread title) she's judging the parents of this child, because the child has extremely knotty hair. That's not the same as being 'concerned' at all.

Secondly, this child is NINE years old.

I'm quite sure if she was unhappy with her hair, she would drag a brush through it.

So how is it automatically a 'welfare' problem? The child (for whatever reason) is clearly happy to have knotted hair.

The only 'problem' here, appears to be the OP's judgey pants because apparently she can't imagine letting her own child have knotted hair.

What are your other concerns then?

If it was accompanied by other signs like permanently grubby clothing, and smelling unwashed that would be worthy of concern.

On residential events with children there's been many whose hair we've dreaded brushing because it's so heavy and knotty. Even when freshly showered with lots of conditioner in, there are some people for whom it is very difficult to remove the tangles and keep neat.

My child looks like he's never met a comb. Fortunately he doesn't get many tangles, but awkward partings, crowns and cows licks and slightly wavy hair means that he's tufty and sprouting minutes after being combed.

Some children like mines just don't care though.

She wants long hair and I've bought every product under the sun it makes no difference.

Dd1 has straight immaculate hair. Dd2 doesn't >shrug>. I'd love to see a report for my clean well nourished well adjusted bright much loved child relating to the fact her hair tangles instantly.

It could go either way, she could have hair like DD's which DD herself has termed 'scribbly hair', very fine but thick, you can brush is and 10 minutes later she looks as though she's been pulled through a hedge backwards, she use to get dreds that we'd have to cut out, she has it in a shortish bob now so it's manageable.

She does have sensory issues and is being assessed for ASD, she's also 'very shy'.

Or yes, her parents could just not give a shit, is she otherwise generally well-presented?

And I've had plenty of fucking judgement about DD in general, it grinds you down you know, being judged on a daily basis for things largely beyond your control, it diminishes you as a human being eventually when you find out what's being said behind your back.

So do you actually have any other concerns? Is there going to be a massive drip-feed?

How do you know she's had her hair brushed by people other than her mother, and been quite happy about it? How could you know that?

My dd always has a rip in her shirt, skinned elbow ( from roller skating backward) and a dirty face. And I am Social Worker. I am so ashamed...

Agree with shrunken - posters with a view that differs from that of the OP repeatedly telling her to get a life is not helpful. If you really find the thread to be so judgey, post elsewhere!

I agree that there could be something in what you're saying, OP. It does make me concerned when I see children who are consistently scruffy/messy looking. A bit messy sometimes, covered in paint sometimes, fine. But consistently looking unkempt and bedraggled doesn't sit well with me. Sorry you've had such a hard time here - typical Friday night it seems...

No, it wouldn't be neglect to have knotty hair.

Are you really concerned? What else is making you concerned? Do you think the child id being neglected?

Yes but if this was my child I'd sort it so as to a) not be judged and b) so my child looked presentable!

I think it's awful when people say things like "find something in your life to worry about" or that it's none of your business! You're voicing your concerns about a child's welfare! Why do others get so defensive?

With that in mind I could express concern about almost every child I come into contact with and that would be ok.

I could judge the kid who lives down the street and always has what appears to be greasy hair, could not specify any other concerns at all and a fuck ton load of other posters would leap on it and make silly comments like "sounds like neglect" and that would be fine because it's all about keeping the precious kiddies safe.

Is it arse.

It's a way for other people who for what ever reason may not have the same issues the girl does to feel like superior A* top of the class parenting examples so they can then go on and give themselves a great big pat on the back about how fantastic they are.

People who know nothing about actual real neglect shouting it from the roof tops at almost every opportunity they get.

Yes unkempt hair could potentially be an indication of neglect but pretty much most other things relating to how children appear and how children behave in isolation could also be an indicator, making a neglect assessment does not and talking about the tyoe of neglect that is mostly discussed on here never could be assesed like that.

Yet posters come on post one thing or more commonly one very small snap shot of others lives and rip it apart with other strangers on the net who back up how they feel. It's damaging and harmful.

I don't think OP has had a hard time, I think people are just questioning whether she has any other legitimate concerns or whether she's just a bored keyboard warrior who likes to feel superior .

Without any other information to go on, I'm plumping for the latter.

There could be a host of reasons it is as it is, who fucking knows? The lack of confidence is dropped in there like a bomb too, presumably OP has mentioned that to infer the daughter is not being sufficiently nurtured. There could be all kinds of things going on that OP has kindly not elucidated upon (or knows about).

Or she could just be a massive judgy wind-up merchant.

I'm with the YABUs. I think you need to reserve your judgement for something much less trivial.

Or yes, what Sock said, x posted there.

It is damaging and harmful (and I speak as one who knows), it's hard enough believe me to parent a child with additional needs, who looks, and sometimes can behave completely 'normally' to the outside world, but to know what people say and think about you behind your back is utterly destructive, I have never been depressed in my life, have always had a very sunny disposition, but the last three years have brought me to my fucking knees, any people's perceptions is a huge part of that, massive.

I cannot tell you how upsetting it is, when you are not only struggling with a child who you worry about, love so much, and just want the best for but are being judged by the whole FUCKING world because they see a snapshot, and think that they know everything, and see you and find you wanting.

It's utterly soul-destroying, and I probably have become a shitter parent because of it all, because at some point you run out of energy and want to hide because you can't take the looks any more.

But, hey, they're my issues. Sorry to muddy the waters!

Are you me OP? There's a child in DDs school...she's about 7 and her hair literally looks like a matted wig!

It's very tatty, home cut too which makes it look even worse. It's thick with solid tangles.

I'm irritated by it because nits are a huge issue in school and I keep seeing this poor kid with her unbrushed DUSTY hair and thinking she must be crawling! Her Mother is a very stylish, attractivley dressed person. It's weird!

Sock said

It's a way for other people who for what ever reason may not have the same issues the girl does to feel like superior A* top of the class parenting examples so they can then go on and give themselves a great big pat on the back about how fantastic they are.

Which is utter rubbish. When I look at a child who'se hair is so badly neglected that it must be uncomfortable as well as a health hazard, I think that something needs to be done. I wonder why school haven't spoken to the parent...those are NATURAL thoughts and worries.

It's fuck all to do with being a bored keyboard warrior!

And if my child was having issues with her hair being brushed then I would CUT IT SHORT! Just like my friend did when her child who has CP had issues with hers. She looks and feels much better. THere's nothing wrong with asking on here about something.

I have a head of wild messy curls, always had.. impossible to tame!! If I had a daughter, more than likely hers would be the same..
Instead I have all boys, the oldest has hair like mine but it's also wiry, he'd never get a comb through it.. the youngest has wavy hair, it always stands on end and even just after being washed it still looks like it's never washed... would you suggest that they are or I was (when younger) neglected????

You say you have other areas you have been concerned about yet when asked a number of times what they are you still haven't replied!!

The mother just laughs it off when it is mentioned, OP did you seriously question the mum about brushing her daughter's hair?

So what are these other concerns then OP?

Happy My dd has tight ringlets. It's not impossible to tame at all. It takes more work but it's certainly not impossible. Her hair is always as tidy as possible. Certainly not knotted.

Neglect wouldn't be just messy hair IMO.

I look at things like are there lice and does it look brushed and combed, not if there is fluff and dirt embedded around the hair bobble, what condition is the scalp in and is that being treated if it's poor, is there food crusted in that is more than a day old.

Brushed once a day is fine and it will look different from child to child, some will look like they were dragged through a hedge backwards almost immediately. I think matting would have to be severe, ignored entirely, and having a direct impact on health or hygiene before I'd consider that alone to be a concern. I know that I have matting in my hair at my neckline due to damage caused by brushing and having very fine hair, and I brush a couple of times a day.

Are the clothes clean and well fitted? Is child clean elsewhere, particularly with regards to bottom and genitals (which I guess is only something you can check regards your own child or as a health professional), but also hands, face, ears etc. Are the under or over nourished (ie. under or very overweight)? Do they attend school regularly? Are health conditions kept treated and monitored at the doctors? Do they clean their teeth daily?

These are all personally the things I've looked at with my own child with regards to neglect. Unkempt hair was only a minor symptom of a more insidious, general neglect.