To judge the parents of a child who always has extremely knotty, unkempt hair?

[OhGodNotAnotherUserName]

Would this fall into neglect? There is a child I know, who is 9 and she always has extremely knotty hair - as in almost her whole head of hair is one massive knot. She is also a very shy child. The mother just laughs it off when it is mentioned, saying that her DD doesn't like having it brushed.

I can't help feeling this is neglectful. I know that other children tease the girl because of it and she generally seems like she lacks confidence etc.

The excuse doesn't really wash with me either, my DD who is 4 doesn't like her hair brushed sometimes but there is no way I would go a day without brushing it.

AIBU for this to spike my concern? I feel sorry for the girl and feel I can't help being judgemental to the mother. AIBU?

Cheap nobody is saying you have to brush it every 5 minutes. Both my DDs have hair that matted when they were tiny. I brushed it through with water and a bit of conditioner once a morning and left it. That helps it not get so tangled.

I brush DDs hair a thousand times a day, it always gets knotted after 10mins

Just curious, those of you with DD with knotty hair, do you not just plait it or does that not help?

I think if I saw a child who always had horrible knotty hair I would keep my eye on them for any other signs of ill treatment, but then I guess I am a bit of a busybody.

My dd is a bugger for brushing her hair and won't let us near it. She also refuses to have it cut. She looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards! She goes to secondary school this year so I am praying peer pressure will take hold (it hasn't yet but I live in hope)

She's not neglected in anyway shape or form

My dd has fine flyaway hair, even if she did brush it it would be a mess within minutes

Yabvvvu. DD has very fine hair and looks like she has been through a hedge minutes after having it brushed. It's her natural state and I'm sure other mums judge me at her school, but I dgas, I know it was brushed.

I think it's good people are noticing and asking questions as then they can keep an eye if there are other factors. There are so many in the news recently who have been overlooked completely.
Sure hair alone isn't a sign of neglect, but combined with a few other things it could be

I think most people can do and would do something about knotted hair so the child doesn't suffer having it hurt when rebrushed as so knotted. Most girls hair could be plaited loosely before bed and then again in the morning to reduce the amount it knots up. Hair washed and brushed carefully when wet won't hurt as much as when dry. Etc.

By the sound of it the 9 year old doesn't have just messy hair, but full on knotted hair which shouldn't happen even with 48 hrs not brushed. Messy, tangled a bit maybe, but semi dreds not at all. Has the 9 year old been taught how to try and care for her hair? By washing and brushing and tying up

This is dd7. A huge knot in her hair the size of her head. I can never rough it an untangle it a couple of times a week. She has ASD and sensorial issues. She is the child who never hugged me that is the sad side of some sensorial challenges. Last time I cut her hair, she self harmed.

I have a dd9. Her hair is unkempt but I'm resisting telling her whst to do as she is starting to learn to do her hair by herself.

I grew up like you pp. it upsets me for my dds to have such messy hair, especially since I am so fastidious about mine. It upsets me much more though to have a dd with such sensorial issues/behavioural challenges. I'm already exhausted from all the 'extra' parenting she's needed just to cope with getting ready this morning.

DD is 11. She has longish, fine, straight blonde hair and it is a fucking NIGHTMARE. It gets massive knots and tangles underneath the 'main' outwardly visible hair and that's the only bit I can get her to brush for herself (sensory issues AND dyspraxia, I sometimes have despairing visions of having to still do her hair for her when she's in 6th form).

We go through a cycle. I spend a good hour or more combing conditioner through, brushing out all the knots one by one with a tangle tamer AND a tangle teazer (each one has different merits), punctuated by shrieks, tears, screams of rage, flouncing off, coming back, telling me how much she hates me, why am I hurting her so much, what feels like half her hair coming away in the tangle brush, me threatening to shave it all off, saying this CANNOT get to this stage again, until finally we rinse through and she has a lovely, straight, soft shiny head of hair again. I plait it up and by the next morning it's still good, albeit looking like it's been crimped when it's let loose. I brush it through. Still good. She goes to school with it in a pony tail. She comes home and takes it out of the pony tail. By bedtime a few small knots have begun to form. I ask her to brush her hair. "Yeah, yeah." I ask her if she wants it plaited up. "No, it'll be fine." Given that she's 11, I don't really want to stand over her while she brushes, so I take her at her word. In the morning, the small knots are bigger. She disappears while I'm sorting out her packed lunch and insists that she's brushed her hair and put it in a pony tail. If we're in a rush (usually because she's mislaid her homework/gym kit/vital piece of equipment/parts of school uniform), I don't always have time to check it. On the surface, it will look fine. By the time she gets home and removes the hair elastic, her hair is indescribably knotted beneath the surface. Bathtime and the cycle begins again.

I think the longest it has been knot free, since she decided 2 years ago that she wanted to brush her own hair because I hurt her too much, has been 4 days.

Plaiting when wet does help, as it seems to keep its shape better. She hates it though, because it makes her hair look crimped. Sigh.

Itsonly I do plate DDs hair but it's fine and often she'll come home from school with it down, having fallen out. It just doesn't stay up. She's decided at 8 she now wants it cut short I can't wait.

Oh back to your post, normal notty hair I think can be quite common. But from what you describe I'm sure there would have been other signs that things weren't right. Reading you op reminds me of our next-door neighbours growing up. They had 2 little girls but the house was a mess and they where both left to it from a very young age. Looking back I wonder why when everyone knew what was going on, why nothing was done. Our neighbour over the road looked after them quit a bit, maybe that was their way of helping. But I still wonder why nothing was done.

My hair was a knotted mess for a while when I was about 11. Combination of laziness and the wrong hairbrush. I was not neglected in the least. Thankfully I got fed up after a few months and opted to have it cut up to my shoulders and use a detangling products recommended by the hair dresser.

It is good you're concerned OP, but knotty hair in a girl that age isn't necessarily a sign of neglect. If there are other signs too then start to worry.

I don't think the op is out of order. We all post on here in a way you wouldn't dare in real life because of the veneer of anonymity. But judge we all do, one way or the other, so it makes me laugh when people call judgeypants whilst wearing a pair of their own.

My kids have terribly tangly hair. 6 and 4, so old enough to complain very loudly and choose to keep their long hair. The quid pro quo is that it must be brushed, properly and completely, once a day. Keeping it kept back, especially in plaits, helps lots, but they know that if they wear it down at weekends, the next day's brushing will be worse. They are responsible for their choices then, to some degree, a good life lesson. It's empowering that they get to choose their style, but it comes with responsibility.

If you don't brush your kids hair, you're being lazy. You have to manage the protestations as you would any other - you wouldn't let your child go to school in their pjs, without shoes, without breakfast, and hair brushing is one of life's essential grooming necessities that will be required in the real world. Even with sensory issues, you can keep hair tidy and manageable. I would judge a child with a developing dreadlock just as the OP has, and feel no guilt for so doing. It's permissive parenting yet again, and allowing kids to rule the roost in ridiculous ways.

OP the problem with your first post, was that you mentioned one thing which, in the absence of all of the other things you subsequently mention, is relatively innocuous - so of course you received the responses that you did. If you had listed the other things which would (or should) have been noticeable to your teachers or other parents, then the answers would have been different. I am sorry that you had the experiences that you had and this has naturally coloured your view, but matted hair alone is not necessarily a sign of neglect. Coupled with the rest, then yes, it would be.

I agree it's not in and of itself 'neglect', in the sense of needing intervention from professionals. But in the looser sense, it is, just as it would be neglectful in my view to regularly take your child to school without getting dressed/eating breakfast etc, because they 'refuse' to cooperate. Once in a blue moon, on a bad morning, with a tantrum, happens to us all. But every day it's lax parenting and a failure to stand up and be a parent, rather than a permissive buddy.

Sounds like my DD who is 9. She had surgury at 18m and consequently has a scar on her scalp that runs from ear to ear and its very sensative. She has really thick hair and will not have it cut because she wants to hide the scar. I can't put her through the torture of having her hair pristine by brushing it to keep it looking neat its just too painful for us both. She also lives playing out and looks a real scruff when she comes in. She is a happy child and i really hope that no one judges me. She is loved and well cared for and you would never know the reason her hair is so unkempt. OP Im sorry no one intervened in your case but please be aware that there are often other reasons that you may be unaware of, although you are spot on in taking an interest.

OP. I'm sorry that you were that girl. People get defensive about things that they might be judged on (look at how many people opened with "just checking you're not talking about me!") and will quite rightly defend their situation. Which isn't the same as yours was.

I also agree with a pp maybe you should go back lc/nc for the good of your mental health.

Very sorry for your experiences op. I would say that unless there are other factors, such as sensory issues, a child should have their hair brushed every day, just as their teeth should be cleaned and they should be washed. It is basic care.
If they look like they've been through a hedge 5 mins later then so be it. I have arguments with my 8 year old most mornings about her hair but the rule is that either she brushes it or I do. I have battles with my 5 year old about brushing teeth, but the same rule applies. I know you have to choose your battles but I view both as quite basic care. If I saw a child with untidy hair I wouldn't think anything of it. If I saw a child who had matted or dirty hair I would wonder why.

Have just seen your update.

By the sounds of it you displayed other signs of neglect (did I read it right? ) -Poor school attendance, poor personal hygiene, the fact this went on for years. Then yes someone should have raised a red flag (school I guess).
While an awful situation for you to grow up in, going forward it's good you have the empathy and understanding to potentially identify a child in this situation, but you also need to learn to objectively look at the situation. If you saw an otherwise well groomed, confident child with knotty hair most likely it's just knotty hair and not worth a second thought. Knotty hair with other indicators then worth a second thought (preferably to help the child not judge the parents as they may need help too)

I probably would (and have) judged, yes. But my Dd went through a stage of not letting me brush her hair and it looked awful some days. I would never have let it get into one big lump though- are we talking messy or matted?

The parent I judged was of a lovely little girl whose hair was matted in places and she often had nits. Luckily she went to a tiny school where she wasn't bullied over it, but there were lots of raised teacher eyebrows over the nits. They would mention it to the mum but she would always say they were impossible to get rid of!

Um so, yanbu I think, if the hair is matted and there are other vague things bothering you about it too, which it sounds like there is.

Lovecat bless her...she really should be doing it herself at 11 though. I can understand that some kids just won't bother at this age though.

Are you my exH? He basically accused me of neglect at one point because our DD's hair had a few knots in it when they went to his once . They have long thick ringlets and it's incredibly difficult to stay detangled. You brush it in the morning and by midday it's looking like they've been dragged through a bush backwards with all the running around they do. The wind knots it, that's just how their hair is. Even when it's tied up it goes all messy. My hair is the same... It's thick and naturally curly/frizzy/wild so it never looks neat and tidy.

It's just hair. As long as it's not crawling with nits, greasy and whatever else I wouldn't get het up about it. Plus she's nine, she should brush her own hair.

My son's is combed through every night. By morning it is so matted after several hours of head rubbing that it is stiff. I don't touch it in the morning because I don't want an unnecessary meltdown that results in self harming and my getting hurt. Some things are more important than worrying about grooming.

I know someone in her twenties who lives with her boyfriend who has a genetic condition with various co-morbid issues one of which is dyspraxia and her mum still has to brush the clumps out of the underneath of her hair when she goes home to visit, or her boyfriend does it for her. She brushes over the top layer herself but just can't seem to do (or doesn't bother with) the underneath bit. Het mum despairs of her.

My daughter hates hers brushed. Literally screams but she doesn't have s choice.

Sounds neglectful tbh.

i think its none of your business and you really have no clue if she has sensory issues or not.

Coming from a parent here who sometimes simply cannot get my daughter to either brush her hair, let me brush it, or allow me to give her a haircut, and theres no way anyone outside of my immediate circle of close friends would know about her sensory issues or impending ados appointment because she presents fairly normally in a lot of situations as do a lot of girls

Ive actually been advised by the teacher that its her hair and to do it if I can but ultimately its up to her and its not worth losing my mind over, but I was very worried she would look like a neglect case because she is such an absolute scruff some mornings.

So yeah, Mind your own business