To judge the parents of a child who always has extremely knotty, unkempt hair?

[OhGodNotAnotherUserName]

Would this fall into neglect? There is a child I know, who is 9 and she always has extremely knotty hair - as in almost her whole head of hair is one massive knot. She is also a very shy child. The mother just laughs it off when it is mentioned, saying that her DD doesn't like having it brushed.

I can't help feeling this is neglectful. I know that other children tease the girl because of it and she generally seems like she lacks confidence etc.

The excuse doesn't really wash with me either, my DD who is 4 doesn't like her hair brushed sometimes but there is no way I would go a day without brushing it.

AIBU for this to spike my concern? I feel sorry for the girl and feel I can't help being judgemental to the mother. AIBU?

Fan the OP didn't describe this as "just messy hair" though did she? She said it's a massive knot.

MattDillionsPants mine are not tight ringlets nor did I say knotted. I said they were wild and messy.. I've had them now for nearly 40 years, do you not think I know my own hair by now? Obviously your daughter's hair is different to mine.

I wasn't saying she was wrong Pants, I was trying to give an example of how it's difficult to to judge based on that alone and what other things I'd look out for based on the experience I've had thus far with SS, CAFCASS and such.

I'm finding the threshold for neglect is pretty high in comparison with what I'd personally consider to be neglect.

My daughter has long blonde hair and it tangles sooooo easily, I do brush it and so does she (she is 9), but it often looks terrible very quickly. We plait it a lot but her friends still come out of school looking neat and brushed and she looks like an extra at St Trinians. She is not neglected - it is her hair type -short would just mean hair closer to the scalp is tangly. Mine was he same at her age, now I just dream of having that much hair to tangle!!!!!

If there is more to the neglect than just tangled hair, then say so.

My DD is around that age.
Hair brushing is a huge battle ground. Completely exhausting.
A year or so ago I let her choose her own brush for her to use.
Once a week after a deep condition she allows me to brush her hair.
The rest of the week she brushes and ties up her own her.

It's a fucking mess. A tangled, awful looking mess.

BUT we no longer have a screaming battle every bloody day. She's practising and it looks a bit better now she's getting the hang of it still looks like a birds nest to me though I now wave my happy DD into school rather than her storming of, hating me because we spent the whole morning fighting to get her hair smooth.

She's happier.
I'm happier.
We're probably judged to fuck on the playground

My DD is 10. She looks like something has exploded on her head, despite our best efforts.

She's had a shower tonight, washed and conditioned her hair, brushed it, I helped her blow dry it and put it into plaits and she went to bed. I poked my head in on her about 3 hours later and we needn't have bothered. The hair bands have come out, the plaits have unravelled and the birds nest is back. In the mornings before school she'll brush and neatly tie up her hair, by the time she's arrived at school 10 minutes later it looks like she's been dragged through every bush on the way

She insists on having long hair, and as it's her hair I let het get on with it. She's pretty good at brushing it and looking after it, but it just seems to end up a mess whatever we do

I hope no one judges us for it.

my poor little buggers have their hair brushed about once a week, normally when their grandmother catches them.

I'm a bit lazy, certainly, but not neglectful (at least not in other areas).

I was at no point talking about your everyday 'tangles'. I was from the outset talking about severely matted hair.

I just wanted to see whether having severely matted hair would stand alone in itself as being a reason for concern. I just wanted honest, objective responses to the hair alone. As I was brushing my DD's hair today, which was a bit tangled, it reminded me how my hair was always severely knotted and matted when I was a child and I remembered the comments I would get from school. I would go to friend's houses and their mum's would be so appalled they would brush my hair for me and question my mum about it in a 'jokey' sort of way but I'm not sure now if they were digging a bit to see if there was something wrong. If I mentioned all the other stuff - terrible attendance, bad teeth, was extremely withdrawn and shy, really bad self neglect that stayed with me until my mid/late teens, depression, parents emotionally and verbally abusive at home etc then people would be more likely to yes that sounds neglectful or that even if I said that the girl was me, and this happened in the '80s then you would be like 'poor OP'. I was just interested to see whether matted hair alone would spike concern but clearly not. I know full well now as a grown woman that my parents didn't/have never really given a crap about my wellbeing. I just thought today, brushing my precious DDs hair how I could never let her hair get so matted as mine did and figured this was another area which my parents fell short on. I said I was 9 in the OP but this was any time during primary. It got me thinking, why the hell didn't the school say anything?

But then I know I can have quite a skewed sense of what is 'normal' sometimes. It also got me thinking about how others may have perceived it and that is why I asked the question, because I thought why would no one intervene or think it unusual? I've been off/on NC with my parents for several years. We have been in contact again this last year following a bereavement but things have gone a bit rocky again so lots of old emotions and memories are coming to the surface which is why I think I remembered the hair.

People have seemed to have on the whole considered it unreasonable to judge and given all kinds of excuses and reasons why a parent may allow their child to have extremely matted hair and thus given themselves permission to ignore it. This in a way makes me really sad as in this case there really was something going on. I would have liked someone to put their judgey pants on and gone up to my mum saying 'wtf'. It very much felt like no one tried to fight my corner when I was growing up. So fuck you with your 'find something better to worry about' crap - that girl was going through fucking hell and I'm still living with it all today.

I think my own experiences have obviously effected my point of view on this. If I came across a child with hair like mine was, I would judge the parents and be concerned for the child. Matted hair is uncomfortable and embarrassing. Who would want that for their child.

getyourfinger "She told me to close my eyes for a present and some woman came and cut all my hair off..." That's awful. Did you ever forgive her?

My mom decided I was too old at 3 for my blankie, & took it away for good. Traumatic. Don't know whether it's the reason we never have had a good relationship, but it stuck in my brain and helped me with many parenting decisions. My dd's had very long hair - took ages to look after but it wasn't cut till they chose. DD1 cut it at 12yo, dd2 at 17 (2 weeks ago!!). Their choice - as Barbara Coloroso says, unless it's morally, legally or life threatening, let them make and live with choices.

Well even if she does have sensory issues it's not excusable. She should get it cut short if that's the case.

Two children I know have dready type hair. Their parents are less materialistic/consumerist and quite alternative. The kids get muddy and their clothes get the odd hole but I think this is a more natural state for children to be in. The kids are often busy exploring our local woodlands and building dens rather then being sat brain dead in front of a computer screen.

I wouldn't judge parents whose children have knotty hair. I would judge parents who let their kids spend hours on screens daily.

I'm sorry for what you went through OP.

As a primary school teacher I see a range of hair. Kids are often incredibly dishevelled but this isn't always indicative of neglect.

In your case though it sounds like there were plenty of other indicators which should have triggered an intervention.

I must admit that when I opened your threaded I did wonder if it was about my dd! She has a curly, tousled mane and hates having it brushed unless it's wet. We do still brush it, but it still looks wild as does mine

Ds has very knotty hair. He is a head rubber - rubs his head on things to calm himself. He has short hair but it still gets very knotty. It is combed through after his bath in the evening but by morning it is matted and full of knots. He is as far from neglected as you can get and anyone who judged us on this, hasn't got a clue.

Just to add, my child is severely disabled.

I am so sorry for what you went through OP, and also sorry for all the overly aggressive comments people have written.

I think that matted, messy hair in a child who is obviously loved and cherished is not something I would worry about. In your case, there would have been lots of other signs that you were neglected, but this was not clear from your OP, which is why people didn't say the hair alone was cause for concern.

I have a friend who's daughter had very fine blonde matted hair, and she is a very loving and devoted mum, just a bit messy, disorganised, and sometimes lazy about making her children do things which cause tears and quarrelling. It would be very silly to judge my friend for her daughter's hair.

On the other hand, clearly people should have been concerned for you, and it sounds like some of your friends' mums were worried, but probably didn't know what to do, and were afraid of doing too much.

Op- just seen your 2nd post. I am sorry for what happened to you. Being concerned about a child you know and checking for other signs and acting on them is a good thing. This is very different from seeing a random child and assuming they are neglected or parents need to try harder.

As a child I would brush my hair three times a day, and still had to have knots cut out occasionally.

Now I keep it short. I know it's definitely time for a cut when it starts knotting.

Sorry, I did have to have a bit of a laugh at this one as you could be talking about my daughter. She is nearly 7 with fantastic long thick curly hair, and in the last year has decided she doesn't like me brushing it, resulting in some days her going out the house with a head like a burst couch.
Most of the time I do manage to tame it somewhat, but some mornings it really isn't worth the agro.
Having said that, someone recently recommended the Avon anti tangle spray, and we are actually making progress with that. We spray it on before her shower in the morning and then afterwards I can pretty much comb her hair through with my fingers. Maybe you could suggest something like this to this kids mum. But I wouldn't judge her or her daughter too harshly for having tangly hair, unless you have other concerns.

I'm sorry OP that this happened to you, but probably not uncommon in the 1980's.
I too had a traumatic childhood and I often wonder why school/neighbours didn't intervene. My respectable neighbours response to the drunken/fighting/beating/crying/smashing things up noises in our house with two small children was to build a brick wall between us!!!!! Their son my age grew up to be a policeman and I've often been tempted to question why his parents never helped me.

I must just add, it's probably best to go back to being no contact again for your own mental wellbeing. Do not waste any more precious years on them xx

I also opened this half wondering whether it was about DD. She is 10 and her very fine long hair matts in between being brushed in the morning and getting home from school. It's particularly bad in the winter when she wears a hat. When she gets to school and the hat comes off, there is a massive matt right down the back of her head. I suspect there are numerous people who wonder if her hair is ever brushed. Hopefully they won't go posting about it here.

I've had many battles over my dd's hair over the years! She's 12 now and I still have to nag her to brush it properly. From about age 6-11 was a complete nightmare, she hated me doing it and couldn't do it properly herself. It's been long and short and I think what I've learnt is kids should just have short hair until they're old enough to do themselves!

I now have a one year old dd and another dd due in July. They will both grow up with bobbed hairstyles, I'm not going through that again!

Neglect is a strong word op. I think hair is one of the parenting battles that's sometimes too much for a parent first thing in the morning. I did make sure my dd had reasonably unknotty hair but I know there were days she looked like a complete scarecrow..

I used to judge parents of children with knotty hair.

Then I had dd2. She has woken up this morning with hair like this. I will brush it and 5 minutes later it will look like I haven't touched it. It truly has a life of its own.

I refuse to brush it every 5 minutes.

Am I a terrible parent?

My nigh on 6 yr old looks like she has been through a hedge most days not necessarily inaccurate most days and loathes having it brushed. We just make sure that she washes it regularly and DH (the favoured hair operative) combs conditioner through to minimise it.

Are there other signs of neglect?

It doesn't help the fashion for girls at the moment seems to be universally long. My DD has knotty hair which she does try to look after, but it would so much easier if she had a bob or a pixie cut. A gentle suggestion, or a reference to a celeb with with short funky hair, results in a very stroppy reply!
Op you obviously know this family quite well,what are your other concerns?