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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my dad for making me feel awkward breastfeeding

246 replies

crunchymummy · 08/04/2016 14:19

When he comes round and I feed DS he always leaves the room, "I'm just going to check on the dinner." "I'm just going to go for a walk"

UGH I'd like to feel comfortable feeding my son in my own house

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

minifingerz · 09/04/2016 18:52

Totally natural for a grown man (who if he's like a fairly high percentage of UK males has seen a fair amount of hard core porn) to find the sight of a little baby eating uncomfortable.

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/04/2016 18:53

My Dad didn't sire the Virgin Mary so he might have been okay in the manger with her and little JC. I suspect though that he'd still have gone outside to check the recycling bins weren't too full, and to see if there was any sign of those Wise Men.

minifingerz · 09/04/2016 18:55

" people like you must be exhausting."

Not at all. I'm surrounded by decent, caring people who tried really hard to make me feel ok during a challenging part of my life. Part of making me feel ok was to make sure they weren't communicating to me that they had negative feeling about the way I was caring for my baby by getting up and leaving the room every time I did it

Writerwannabe83 · 09/04/2016 19:00

He should accept that seeing his daughter breastfeed is part and parcel of his new grandchild being in the world and if he isn't prepared to accept that then he should stop visiting.

It's awful that another person's own 'issues' with breastfeeding are causing the OP to feel shitty in her own home. It's just wrong.

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/04/2016 19:02

Yes. She should tell him his visits aren't welcome any more. That's exactly what she should do......

finova · 09/04/2016 19:08

Which incidentally did stop me having my in laws over when DH was at work. There is no point when feeding frequently and not to q schedule, and you can't be in the same room for a large part of the time. Makes it all rather awkward.
But the repercussions are theirs to deal with I guess, and they might only be limiting their contact for the 1st 6 months or so!

LeaLeander · 09/04/2016 19:22

Minifingers, the fact that an entourage of people had to "try really hard" to make you "feel OK" (aren't you responsible for your own feelings?) categorically makes you hard work. I would hate to be such a chore for the people I'm close to.

As to suggestions that OP make Dad unwelcome if he won't witness the breastfeeding, talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. When my dad was alive he often would spend several hours at my house and we were not glued together at all times. He might be watching the news or reading the paper while I cooked, or while I answered e-mail, or ran down to sort some laundry. Or I might be watching the news while he did some sort of repair job for me, or while he cooked. Just because someone is around for companionship doesn't mean they have to be sitting two feet from your right hand the entire time.

Talk about needy and self-centered.

theclick · 09/04/2016 19:29

YABU! Why on earth would you want him to stay? I think it's fine if he wants to leave! I have an awesome relationship with my dad - but I absolutely don't want him to see me breast feed!!

Tanito279 · 09/04/2016 19:36

I breastfed for 10 months and my mum never stayed in the same room. My dad was ok with it by the end but my mum just didn't GET that I was comfortable doing it with people around. She'd usher other people out of the room too. Funnily enough, I didn't see her much for those 10 months.

SpeakNoWords · 09/04/2016 19:43

It's a shame that breastfeeding is still not a normal and unremarkable activity that no one would blink an eye at. I totally get that it must be a bit out of the ordinary if you haven't been brought up around it as a totally normal and unremarkable thing. Some people, like the OPs father, might not know how to react and just want to remove themselves from the situation so they don't have to engage with it. It is a shame for the OP that her dad disappears every time she feeds, and I can see how that could bother her. I'm sure she'd like to sit and chat with him, if he's visiting, and it's not like she can choose to not feed the baby.

minifingerz · 09/04/2016 20:11

"Why on earth would you want him to stay"

That's not the issue.

She wants him to stop communicating his negative feelings about her baby eating by getting up and leaving the room every time it happens.

minifingerz · 09/04/2016 20:18

"entourage"

By 'entourage' I assume you mean 'your mum and dad and dp' (mum and dad visited a few times in the first fortnight, and stayed for a couple of hours at a time)

"Talk about needy"

I'm amazed how you have twisted this around to make a personal attack on me.

It's not 'needy' to not want people to make obvious their negative feelings about an aspect of mothering that you yourself may be struggling to adjust to.

Chinks123 · 09/04/2016 20:41

LeaLeander You are brilliant imagining you starting at your neighbour in speedos to make him feel comfortable in his body dos make me chuckle

At the end of the day you are never going to get 100% of people comfortable enough with breast feeding to stay in the room. Whether it is for cultural reasons, over sexualisation, just general discomfort or perhaps thinking the woman wants privacy. You can argue the toss about it being natural all you want, IT IS but some people don't want to see and that's unfortunately or if you don't give a shit, not unfortunately, the way it is.

I change incontinent adults pads at work, bowel movements are a normal part of life, it is natural for me to do my job. Some people would leave the room and not want to see. Are the two comparable..well maybe not but you get the point.

Itsmine · 09/04/2016 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theclick · 09/04/2016 20:53

minifingerz I mean seriously? You're taking this whole thing a little too seriously.

ohtheholidays · 09/04/2016 21:29

I don't think YABU,I thought my Dad would be the same but he really amazed me and the rest of the whole family he was amazing.He'd go onto me making sure I was drinking and eating enough,he'd always offer to make me a drink and a snack.
He never left the room and he was really proud of me for breastfeeding.

My Mum told me that he used to brag(my Mum's words)to my Aunties and Uncles about how well I was doing with the breastfeeding and how well the baby was doing and how much they were gaining(we have 5DC)it was a huge deal to me because I'd always loved my Dad but growing up we weren't very close(2 older brothers before I came along and my Dad struggled with having a little girl)but the way he responded to me breastfeeding really improved our relationship.

Do you think maybe your Dad is worried that your feel uncomfortable with him being in the room with you?I know my FIL was worried I wouldn't want to breastfeed in front of him and I thought he wouldn't want me to, it took a few visits of me leaving the room to go and breastfeed in another room before we both found out that he was as happy for me to breastfeed in front of him as I was to breastfeed when he was in the same room as me.

zeezeek · 09/04/2016 21:34

I don't want to see bf either, frankly and I'm female and a mother. Wasn't something I felt comfortable with doing and isn't something I feel comfortable seeing. Luckily I have managed to avoid seeing it thus far, my family and friends feel the same, but I'd leave the room if I had to. That is my choice. If someone doesn't like that then it is their problem, not mine.

SpeakNoWords · 09/04/2016 21:45

If you had a daughter, you would leave the room every time she fed her baby? Would you worry about she might feel about that?

Chinks123 · 09/04/2016 22:06

I would hope my DD would respect another persons wishes if they chose to leave a room fgs, why would you literally hold a person in a room when they don't want to be there? I don't hold the door open saying "DP I'm shitting it's natural watch me! I feel like shittings not normal if you leave the room"
This is getting Abit silly now seriously.

minifingerz · 09/04/2016 22:10

"I would hope my DD would respect another persons wishes if they chose to leave a room ""

The OP is not trying to stop her father leaving the room.

She is saddened and irritated that he feels the need to get up and leave every time her baby eats. She feels upset about what this suggests about his feelings towards her breastfeeding.

LeaLeander · 09/04/2016 22:10

LOL Chinks123, spot on. "it's natural, watch me!" cracks me up.

(and as an aside, kudos to you for the work you do helping vulnerable people!)

minifingerz · 09/04/2016 22:12

"I don't hold the door open saying "DP I'm shitting it's natural watch me!"

Stop distorting.

The op isn't requesting an audience.

And the correct analogy involves eating, as this is what the baby is doing.

How would you feel if your father got up and left the room every time you ate, because the sight of it was embarrassing, upsetting or disgusting to them?

minifingerz · 09/04/2016 22:14

zeezeek - I really hope your dd/dil don't want to breastfeed, or that if they do you can hide your feelings of disgust so you don't make them miserable and ashamed.

SpeakNoWords · 09/04/2016 22:16

Please stop comparing breastfeeding to going to the toilet. It's an appalling thing to try and compare it to, and there are zero similarities.

Of course I wouldn't hold someone hostage against their will and force them to watch me feed my baby. That's a ridiculous exaggeration of what I was asking. I was asking about whether zeezeek would mind the effect it might have on her (hypothetical) daughter should she choose to leave the room every time her daughter fed her baby. Even when her daughter has said that it wasn't necessary from her point of view. I think I would find it a bit frustrating and I would be a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to spend that time with my mum/dad/whoever. That's all. Not a big deal, just a bit disappointed and frustrated. I wouldn't personally say anything other than pointing out they don't need to leave on my behalf, and I would hope that they would gradually become comfortable with it over time.

Chinks123 · 09/04/2016 22:22

Minifingerz- stop distorting?! "The correct analogy involves eating" ..do you read your own posts? You compared it to a gay relationship so how is my comparison any worse?
Jesus wept, and in relation to my comment about my DD respecting people's wishes I wasn't even talking to the OP. I'm not going to discuss how I would feel about my father blah blah you've said not to compare it to other things so don't.

Anyway im going to bow out of this now because frankly it's absurd. Thanks LeaLander that means a lot

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