To be annoyed at my dad for making me feel awkward breastfeeding

[crunchymummy]

When he comes round and I feed DS he always leaves the room, "I'm just going to check on the dinner." "I'm just going to go for a walk"

UGH I'd like to feel comfortable feeding my son in my own house

AIBU to be annoyed?

I think if an adult exposed an area of the body normally covered by underwear or a swimsuit in their particular culture, in order to eat, that people would indeed leave the room.

Like it or not, some people, particularly of an older generation, find bared breasts and suckling noises uncomfortable. That doesn't mean they think there is anything "wrong" or "indecent" about breastfeeding; merely that they don't want to witness it.

And try as you will to liken it to the mere consumption of nourishment, there is more to it than that. There's another active thread right here on mumsnet today about continuing breastfeeding LONG after the child needs it for nourishment, because of the emotional gratification, soothing sensations, sleeping assistance and bonding it promotes between mother and child. Giving the child the breast is not exactly the same as feeding it via bottle (let alone the same as an adult or autonomous child eating) for this exact reason - it is a far more intimate act between two people - and some people are uncomfortable witnessing intimate bodily behavior whether it's PDA among smitten couples, a mother suckling her offspring, a son wiping drool from his Alzheimer's stricken mothers' chin or whatever the case may be. I would turn away from all three and it doesn't mean that I disapprove of any of it - just that I don't want to be the spectator.

If people like the OP's father are not trying to stop you from doing what YOU need to do, why try to find some negative in them doing what THEY need to do?

Good post Lea.

Great post Lea. Some people feel uncomfortable, it doesn't mean they think you are wrong. I for one don't want to see my sister, friend or anyone bf so i would walk away. Ops dad is behaving tactfully and I can't see anything wrong with that.

It's not possible to cover all the variables.
However, I think the vast majority of those breastfeeding 'bare their breasts' as little as possible/not at all.
With a young baby it is primarily about nourishment though. Of course there are bonding and comfort factors too, but these also exist with bottle feeding.
I'd like to think you wouldn't leave the room rather than witness a baby being fed or someone with Alzheimer's being cared for!
Maybe it's as simple as good manners and being supportive of those you love.

OP if I were you I'd say to your Dad that he doesn't have to leave. Then he might chill out a bit.
If he still leaves, he might stop doing so in time anyway, as he gets used to it.

If not then there is nothing you can do.

Maybe it's as simple as good manners and being supportive of those you love.

LOL, what utter twaddle. Good manners do not require anyone to remain in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. And 'supportive' ? I can wish someone well in her endeavor without needing to be in the same room, as I am sure is true of most of us. As I said, the need and demand for a captive audience - deemed rude by people like you if they leave the room - is the rude behavior here.

Rather than putting her father on the spot by calling attention to his behavior (if you read your Miss Manners you'll find THAT is the etiquette sin) why doesn't the OP just go on about her business as she sees fit, and let him and everyone else do the same?

I'm not posting after this as I have pond dipping to do!
However, the point is it's a normal thing to do. It isn't some kind of show. There should be no 'audience' demanded. Conversation should continue as before the feeding begins. If you are having tea and sandwiches that can continue.
By leaving you are indicating that you are not comfortable with witnessing a baby being fed. This can make the mother feel uncomfortable and yes unsupported.
Some people find it hard to feed their baby, feeds can take a long time and they may be enjoying adult company.
It's a case of considering these factors vs your discomfort at seeing a baby being fed.

What the mother "feels" is her problem. I am not responsible for anyone else's irrational 'feelings.'

If the party leaving the room is not objectively rude - i.e. if they don't say "Ugh" or "that's disgusting" but employ a euphemism such as "I need to wash the dishes," then any reaction on the part of the mothers is her own to manage. So is her need to occupy her mind while feeding. Television, radio, book, deep thoughts, making lists, daydreaming about Jon Hamm, whatever.

You are asking people to consider "factors' beyond their control in determining their own course of behavior. Which is unreasonable. Or do you think the feeding mother also should be expected to be equally as considerate of others' needs and preferences?? Right, then.

I'm going to go against the grain OP and say YANBU. I get what you mean. Obviously it's completely up to him whether he leaves the room but he's kind of highlighting the issue when he could just sit and not look.

My dad was a bit uncomfortable at first, I think, but now he just doesn't look. Or sometimes we can have a conversation and he just makes very level eye contact

I certainly wouldn't be using a cover or going to a different room in my own home, guests or no guests.

When I had a newborn I was quite hormonal ,tired and easily upset so that may have contributed to the OP's slight overreaction.

"but he's kind of highlighting the issue when he could just sit and not look"

This thread speaks absolute volumes about how breastfeeding is perceived in the UK, and probably why breastfeeding continuation rates are so low.

The bottom line on this thread seems to be this:

• it's absolutely reasonable to find breastfeeding embarrassing. And it's reasonable to find breastfeeding embarrassing because you know, it involves BREASTS, which are sexual, and nudity, which is, um, a bit disgusting or risque.
• it's absolutely reasonable to make your discomfiture with breastfeeding apparent to a vulnerable woman who is learning to breastfeed.

Every time the OP's dad gets up and leaves the room when she breastfeeds, he's drawing attention to the fact that he sees breastfeeding as an indecent/sexual/embarrassing act.

Thanks dad!

"Well no, because it's a stupid bloody comparison to make minifingerz. It's not comparable."

Sorry - it's a very good comparison.

Many older people are unfamiliar around open displays of affection between homosexual couples because they grew up in a culture where homosexuality was unacceptable and hidden. Hence many may feel unsettled by the sight of gay couples showing affection to each other.

Many people in the UK have also grown up in a society where normal, unselfconscious breastfeeding - as practiced by 90% of the rest of the world - is a culturally uncommon sight, and where there is a sexual fixation on breasts. Hence many may feel uncomfortable around a mother who is breastfeeding.

In both cases the reaction of discomfiture is triggered by unfamiliarity and cultural ignorance, rather than a rational response to indecency (neither breastfeeding nor normal displays of affection like hand-holding or kissing are intrinsically indecent).

In both cases it's understandible that someone may find the sight of a breastfeeding mother/gay couple holding hands emotionally challenging, however, it's only in the case of breastfeeding that making your discomfiture obvious by constantly leaving the room every time it happens, morally acceptable.

What bullshit. People remove themselves all the time from situations they dislike.

It doesn't mean they disapprove or think something is indecent, simply that they do not wish - for reasons no one else has a right to judge - to be around it.

I know people who withdraw when alcoholic beverages are served. Should they be castigated for "making the drinkers uncomfortable" ? I know people who don't like to be around little kids, won't sit still for a political discussion, take off when religion is mentioned, go to the other room if someone at a gathering has on too much perfume, avert their eyes when any couple kisses and clings.

Breast feeding is more than nutrition, it is an intimate emotion-fraught act taking place between two people and if a third party doesn't want to observe, they don't have to. It's not a judgment, it's a preference.

Breast feeding is a no-brainer non-issue to 99.99999 percent of the population and the only people who seem to obsess about it these days are those who aren't getting the kudos, adulation and awe they think they deserve for this particular bodily function.

"LeaLeander"

Try this little experiment. Every time your partner starts to eat, leave the room.

When they ask why, say 'I find the sight of you eating difficult to handle'. You don't have to say 'disgusting' or 'embarrassing', though they might conclude that these are the sort of feelings you're experiencing, given that they are strong enough to prompt to you get up and go out.

Do it EVERY time they eat.

Then see how they feel about the way they eat.

"People remove themselves all the time from situations they dislike.
It doesn't mean they disapprove or think something is indecent, simply that they do not wish - for reasons no one else has a right to judge - to be around it."

So you think it's ok for the OP's father to communicate the fact that he dislikes her breastfeeding by constantly getting up and leaving the room when she does it?

You did use the word 'dislike'.

You have implied that the OP's dad dislikes her breastfeeding to the point he can't be around her when she's doing it.

And you expect her to not be upset about that?

There is nothing my children do or any member of my family which is so unpleasant that I have to leave the room when they do it, apart from taking a shit or shagging, but then those two are intrinsically indecent aren't they?

I clicked on this thread by accident.

...He's not saying anything disparaging, is he?

If not, yabu.

My grandmother tried to make me go elsewhere to bf DD in my own house. That's unreasonable!

I didn't let her win, and neither did my grandfather, who became insistent that I use the Lazy-Boy in the living room, the most coveted chair, at their house.

Basically, people are weird.

Ridiculous comparison. The OP's father doesn't say anything about finding breastfeeding hard to handle, that's her supposition. I would not condone anyone making disparaging remarks about breastfeeding. Nor do I tell people "How disgusting, you chew like a zoo animal, I'm leaving!" "You smell, I'm leaving" "I don't care to hear about Donald Trump, good-bye" or otherwise criticize their choices. I merely control my own choices.

He says he's going to read the paper or take a walk or do some other innocuous activity. As is his right, just as though he were ducking out an an awkward political argument, the changing of an adult diaper, or someone obnoxiously chomping potato chips or popcorn. There is absolutely nothing whatsoever discourteous or "unsupportive" about making a polite excuse and leaving the room.

The infant doesn't care whether or not he is present and if the OP does, that's on her to deal with.

Minifingers, I am sure there are reading comprehension courses online somewhere.

The father is not making it clear he dislikes or disapproves of breastfeeding.

He apparently dislikes being around when someone else is doing the breastfeeding. Nothing whatsoever wrong with that. I wholly approve of a lot of things I don't necessarily want to witness.

Also don't feel that sex or bowel movements are indecent, personally. Sorry for you that you do.

Good grief minifingerz stop digging. You're talking bollocks. Annoying bollocks at that.

"The father is not making it clear he dislikes or disapproves of breastfeeding. "

He is making it clear - unintentionally perhaps - that he has negative or difficult emotions about seeing is daughter breastfeed. This is apparent from his unwillingness to witness her baby eating.

He cannot stay in the room with her and her baby while the baby is eating because the sight of it stirs feelings in him that are uncomfortable/unpleasant. And if these feelings are not embarrassment and/or disgust then why does he feel compelled to leave?

Paul - what emotions do you think he has at the sight of his grandchild eating that are powerful enough to compel him to leave the room ever time it happens?

I would probably be the same to be honest.

"He apparently dislikes being around when someone else is doing the breastfeeding. Nothing whatsoever wrong with that"

Um, yes, there is!

It's a normal act that people have done openly throughout human history, which has been celebrated in high art, but which some mature adult males in the 21st century now find too upsetting to witness.

YANBU.

I would be really upset if anyone did this to me.

By them leaving the room they are implying that breastfeeding is shameful, something that shouldn't be seen etc.

Don't look!

Oh I don't know, awkwardness and discomfort? Jeezo people like you must be exhausting.

I wouldn't give a fiddler's fart if my Dad chose to leave the room if I was breastfeeding. Honestly, whatever he's comfortable with!