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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think my husband's drinking is getting out of hand...

234 replies

LovelyBath · 06/04/2016 13:31

He drank three bottles of red wine last night. I noticed the amount, as in the last month or two I have stopped drinking at all.

I think it is too much. He went to the shop late in the evening to get the third bottle. This concerns me.

If he his, what can I do? It is his responsibility, not mine. But I don't want him to make himself ill. He doesn't do this every night by the way. Mainly at the weekends.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 07/04/2016 09:57

littlelion it's hard isn't it

My dh was a functioning alcoholic. Run his business and carried on with life. In hindsight he was probably always pissed but hid it so well :(

Even when for pulled over for drink driving the police couldn't believe the reading and thought their machine was broken

They said no one could be that drunk but act quite sober.

I'm just so relived that dh never killed anyone

Dh was never violent or angry when drunk. I missed the signs - the obvious clues for years :(

In the end if someone wants to drink drugs eat chocolate etc then they will. You can't not make someone stop - they only stop if they want to

Or they hit rock bottom and lose job wife home etc

Op says he won't leave her dh. I was the same but I didn't have kids. If we did then they would have given me the push to not stay while someone I loved drinks theirselves to death

FarAwayHills · 07/04/2016 10:41

This all sounds so scarily familiar, especially the bits about being a good DH and father and maintaining a job and seemingly normal life.

This is also what makes it hard personally for me as the 'accuser' because other than the binge drinking everything is hunky dory. So for half the week life is wonderful and I can forget that there is this problem. Then Friday arrives and the problem starts again. I hope this weekend will be different but I think I will be disappointed yet again.

Fairenuff · 07/04/2016 11:00

He was angry because you criticised his first love. Alcohol is his primary relationship and if he won't let it go. He might even be willing to lose you instead. Has anyone mentioned the 3 c's of alcoholism?

You didn't cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Al Anon would be a great place for you find support and advice OP. Ultimately you might have to either accept this or leave. You can't change his behaviour but something might trigger a desire to change himself.

Ironically, sometimes the most effective way to help an addict is to leave them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/04/2016 11:45

faraway

Bloody phone won't c&p but in answer to your question. If they won't stop then you think carefully what impact dh has on your and your kids lifes

You only threaten to leave if you would actually so that or you pack his bags and say he needs to sort his life out and his drinking Bedore he loses you and his kids

Are you sure he doesn't drink week days? And just a binge weekend drinker - tho I say just and its much more

Are weekends not fun as he's hungover so doesn't play with kids etc

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/04/2016 11:46

Yes the 3 C's

They are all true

Fairenuff · 07/04/2016 12:04

Also OP, when he said it was 'only' a bottle and a half, I would have asked why he drank that much when he knows it is damaging him.

He is minimising and refusing to acknowledge that he is prioritising his drinking over his life. By ranting at you he has effectively ended all communication on the subject hasn't he.

I think this is one occasion where actions will speak louder than words. He will always be able to shout over you but he can't stop you if you show him that his behaviour towards you was unacceptable.

sportinguista · 07/04/2016 12:06

Goodness, I think that is certainly a problem. I have just cut right down to one glass a week from 3 glasses per week. DH drinks a bit more and probably gets through 2-3 bottles per week on a heavy week. More usually we have a couple of bottles a week between us. 3 bottles in one night would floor DH and if either of us have too much we get bad heartburn.

He needs help to sort it out.

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/04/2016 12:08

FarAway if you've come to the conclusion that his abuse of alcohol is affecting your life badly, even if 'only' at weekends, then you need to decide if you can live with it or not. Given my background, I decided that I could not go through what my mum did and I could not put my ds through it. My dad only ever paid lip service to changing, there was never any long and sustained effort to stay on the wagon.

I confronted dh a few times and he became angry and defensive, so for a time I didn't rock the boat as I hated the conflict. Then one evening I went out for a run, leaving ds with dh. When I returned it was clear he'd 'topped up' in my absence and I was so annoyed. There was me doing everything I could to be fit, healthy and provide a decent role model for our son while dh was getting quietly trolleyed - behind my back! I cannot explain how angry I was. I put ds to bed, I found his stash so I had evidence, confronted him, he got angry but I stuck to my guns. I said I wasn't going to back down, he had a problem and I wasn't sticking around any longer, I'd had enough and now I had proof. He said 'ok, you obviously hate me, let's divorce'. I very calmly responded 'you are deflecting. I love you so much. But I think you're right as I can't do this.' Calling his bluff and sticking to my guns worked. He sat outside and sobbed and sobbed. Eventually, he came in, broken, and admitted everything, said he was responsible for everything and nobody or nothing else. Said he loved me, loved ds and the thought of losing us was torture. He asked me to to give him a chance to prove he was willing to change. We did a lot of talking and crying together.

He sought help, enrolled in a proper programme and did what my dad never had done - proved sustained effort over a long period (it's now about 2 years). But part of the deal on my part was accepting there would be no cure and therefore it was highly likely there would be blips along the way. I had to decide if I could accept this from time to time or not. I've decided that providing he's sober for 99.9% of the time and continues to be honest with me and talk to me, seek continued help if and when he needs it and not revert into denial and old patterns, I would stick around. It's 'worked' for us - I know the signs, he knows I know the signs. We really are happier, and consistently happier, than we've been at any point in our 14 year relationship.

It's a horrible disease and I count myself lucky that dh has broken the pattern and recognised and admitted it. That's half the battle - wanting to change. But I'd be lying if I said that's the end of it. We both have to be extremely vigilant, every day, every week. And most importantly I've had to look after my own sanity first and foremost. I have to be honest with him too, all the time, whenever I have even the slightest doubt, concern or worry. I am honest with him that if I don't trust him it's with good reason and he has to accept that.

cozietoesie · 07/04/2016 12:11

I think it's important to remember here that the OP is speaking for her children as well as herself and her DH. They don't currently have much of a say in the matter themselves.

Thank you for that, LittleLion.

FarAwayHills · 07/04/2016 12:27

LittleLion I difficult to say that his drinking is impacting our life in a very obvious way...yet. DH has an amazing ability to solider on through a hangover so he still goes through the motions of family life, although I can see he is suffering he pretends it's ok until he can get to the evening and have a drink again.

My concerns are his health, his influence on our DCs growing up thinking it's the norm for people to drink all weekend and our relationship. Drunks are not good company.

Littleorangecat · 07/04/2016 12:50

I take these meds for crohns and put quite simply the effects on my crohns whilst drinking 3 bottles of wine would be awful. This will be irritating his bowel lining like crazy, can you use this as an angle to try and make him realise? Do his crohns symptoms get worse after drinking this volume of booze? Can he function the next day or is he housebound??

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/04/2016 13:10

Blondes are you still with dh? Did he get help/ change?

FarAwayHills · 07/04/2016 13:45

Blondes
I'm sure that he is not secretly drinking at other times and there are no secret stashes around the house. However, he has the presence of mind even after the equivalent 10 pints, to put all the bottles in the recycling as he thinks that way I won't notice how much he's had.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/04/2016 14:00

lion you must have missed my first post

Sadly dh died almost 5yrs :(

A mixture of depression and drinking.

I got him detoxed as started to cut down drinking by his self but as body was so reliant on booze he had a fit due to lack of booze

I called an ambulance and once in hospital begged the staff to detox him. He wanted to but just couldn't manage by hisself and no clinics had free spaces

Just over 2 weeks drying out and then was 99% sober - yes he had blips :( but I breathalized him daily and went for blood and liver tests monthly to keep track

Month before he died blood count was slightly higher

Following month He hung his self in our home and I found him - he was almost 6times over limit

Left a note saying he couldn't cope anymore

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/04/2016 14:10

Oh shit, that's so sad blondes I'm so sorry. I can only imagine just how awful that was for you Sad

AugustaFinkNottle · 07/04/2016 14:13

I have occasionally got through 3 bottles of wine in a day- don't forget that's around 9 large glasses- in 12-15 hours not so much.

Good grief, I don't even drink as much tea as that in 15 hours, and I do like my tea. There is no way that drinking three bottles of wine in 12-15 hours is "not so much".

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2016 14:19

How big are those glasses, that they're holding 1/3 of a bottle of wine?! They're not meant to be filled to the brim!

FarAwayHills · 07/04/2016 14:30

I'm so sorry to hear that Blondes

trulybadlydeeply · 07/04/2016 16:06

I have occasionally got through 3 bottles of wine in a day- don't forget that's around 9 large glasses- in 12-15 hours not so much.

I agree. I cannot imagine how anyone can refer to 3 bottles in a day as "not so much" - it's really only trying to normalise what really isn't normal. The poster who said this really needs to seek help, and I would suggest some liver function tests as well. I enjoy a drink, but if I drank that much I would be in need of medical assistance, or worse. Anyone who can drink that much in 24 hours (including the OP's DH) and not be seriously unwell and incoherent has a very big problem with alcohol.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/04/2016 16:25

the problem is that

(a) we live in a society that's seem to normalise MC wine drinking
(b) he has normalised it, and will be defensive if you confront him
(c) we think wrongly that alkies are old men on a park bench

I think a slow approach is prudent, can he enrolled into cutting down on the basis that:
its healthier
its better for his energy
it saves money (that's £18 a night, £540 a month, and I am not assumiong he is on the Nouvea Beuloulais)
he must feel like shit a lot of the time

deep down he knows, and only you know the most effective technique to have him face it

and I really cut down this year, and get this - now my dad is dying of liver and kidney issues. I am drnking more to cope with the stress. FFS!

good luck

Kidnapped · 07/04/2016 16:54

Oh Blondes. I am so sorry. That is just awful for you.

cozietoesie · 07/04/2016 17:22

I'm very sorry for your pain, Blondes.

Capricorn76 · 07/04/2016 17:23

Sorry to hear that Blondes.

To the person who said 3 bottles in 12-15 hours isn't much really needs to wake up. That's more than a week's recommended intake in half a day. I once drank 2 bottles of wine in 12 hours when I was younger and I thought I was going to die. Every part of me hurt. Took me 2 days to recover. The human body isn't designed to consume that many toxins.

cozietoesie · 07/04/2016 17:26

The liver is a valiant and resilient organ. It can only take so much, though.

motheroftwoboys · 07/04/2016 17:30

in my (unfortunately large) experience. The book that I found helped HUGELY is www.amazon.com/Getting-Them-Sober-You-Help/dp/0961599596. It got me through awful times and I have recommended it to many others. My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has been dry for 10 years. We know lots of lovely people in the same situation. It can be done. So many people told me to leave him but I loved him although I despised his drinking. Your DH may not yet be an alcoholic - he may just be a problem drinker - but it sounds as if he is on the journey. He may need to find his own rock bottom before he stops and, this can involve putting the family through hell. You have to decide if your love for the person you know is inside the disease is great enough to stick with him. You could try al anon - personally I didn't find it any help. My DH got through after half a dozen detoxes and a spell in rehab followed by a LOT of AA before it stuck. So proud of him!