I think my husband's drinking is getting out of hand...

[LovelyBath]

He drank three bottles of red wine last night. I noticed the amount, as in the last month or two I have stopped drinking at all.

I think it is too much. He went to the shop late in the evening to get the third bottle. This concerns me.

If he his, what can I do? It is his responsibility, not mine. But I don't want him to make himself ill. He doesn't do this every night by the way. Mainly at the weekends.

ah x post

If he doesn't want your help, you've got no chance.

But I've recently helped a good friend get a handle on her drinking, and focusing on her keeping her job was a good way of giving her incentive to change.

So she agreed, no drinking before 6pm (when she gets home) and none after 10pm (when she needs to start winding down for bed).

It's helped control it, quite a lot, and her head is clearer.

Have you talked to him about it OP? I see you mentioned he said he might reduce what he is drinking now that you aren't, but has he?

Yeah, I don't think that drinking in a park on a sunny day with company is that odd, my friends and I can get through quite a lot on a Saturday afternoon picnic

That said OP, I am a relatively heavy drinker (as in, can get through a bottle very easily on the sofa whilst watching a film of Friday night) and 3 bottles is seriously extreme. You do need to talk to him.

At a safe and friendly time bring up your concerns. Three bottles of wine is a lot but it is not as alarming as someone drinking the same amount of spirits. If necessary buy a whole weeks worth of wine to prove how much he is consuming, shock can help sometimes.

Leaving him is a total joke of a reply. When you are with someone and created kids with them you are in it for the long haul, as long as there is no violence or abuse. We have to help our partners when they are going through rough times, not ignore their plight.

It was the way in which he had to go out, at ten in the evening, to buy another bottle (the third of the day) that really worried me.

And rightly so. If he "had" to go out for it the alcohol is in control of him, not vice versa. He is on the edge now. For his sake and the families, you need to get him to the GP very soon. Once it gets past this stage it is far more difficult to pull back.

I speak from watching someone who was at this stage, then went on to destroy his family and then drank himself to death. It wasn't nice to watch. I don't want to frighten you OP but you must really act now.

Sorry, I also just saw the leaving him reply too now.

Ridiculous reply I agree.

There's Al-Anon for the partner of someone who is an alcoholic. I expect all they'd tell you is that he needs to want to drink less or quit for himself.
They offer support for those effected, though.

OK I see that I can't help him but just now I am not doing anything about it other than dealing with the children putting them to bed etc and out of the way.

Any suggestions for something I might do to try and get him to realise it's a problem? He just seems to think it's OK / normal. It's really not. He also has a health condition and is on a long term med Methotrexate. This is a strong med and he needs regular blood tests. It lowers the immune system.

So..I need to try and point out it's not 'normal' and is damaging, without it being overly critical / blaming. I think he feels that because it's usually only at the weekends and not during the week, it's ok as his body gets a break and time to recover. Hmm.

It would be good to hear from anyone who has been in this kind of situation and it improved. I wonder if a ticking off from the rather formidable GP might help. I could go and see her perhaps but then if he knew he would not be impressed...

He does need to admit to himself he has a problem first before even you can help him.

Excuse me but it is not a ridiculous reply. She asked what she can do...she can do nothing because he needs to do it. The only thing she could do, if she wanted or needed to, was to remover herself from him.
It's not a "leave the bastard" reply, its a "you have no control over his drinking, only over your reaction to it" reply.
Which is right.

Ask him directly,
"Do you think to yourself that you need to drink?"
"Do you feel as though you can only have a few glasses of wine then stop?"
"Can you stop after a few glasses or does it take hold of you?"

These sorts of things. Try to get him thinking.

Just to confirm, no way am I leaving him. We've been together for years, and married with children. He has seen me through some very tough times when I've been very ill.

Over the last few years we've both had serious medical problems (unrelated to drink btw) and I think that this may have contributed to the overall stress and partly led to the drinking.

It is very stressful having severe health problems, being self-employed and having young children all at once, with no other family support. Not that this is an excuse to drink of course.

Does he drive at all the next day after drinking the night before?

If he was a vodka drinker when you met him, I rather suspect - from the sound of his current behaviour - that he hasn't tailed off it at all.

Yes, if he had to go out to get more having had two bottles, there's a problem. He's going to "have" to drink on other evenings to keep going, then during the day, then in the mornings. He must be pickling his liver and in danger of alcohol poisoning.

Have you talked to him about what you did to give up, and whether he can do the same? Or can you discuss a régime whereby he has a maximum of two bottles a week?

PA Those sounds useful. Thanks x

"Do you ever drink to the point of blackout?"

Try to get him talking about it.

wait wait wait! he shouldn't be drinking AT ALL on methotrexate. I was offered it years ago but as an alcoholic I refused because I couldn't countenance stopping the booze.

he is a great risk of liver damage with this lifestyle. he needs to seek help, urgently.

I wonder if I could find something about drink being VV bad with his meds / condition too and mention that. Possibly.

No probs.

"Do you think not drinking so much is something you could do?" type of things.

Don't forget Al-Anon could help even over the phone.

If he wants help, he can contact Lifeline. AA too, but that's a bit intimidating.

He has been on Methotrexate for over ten years, also Humira which stopped more recently.

Bloody hell if he's on methotrexate he'll be trashing his liver. You need to intervene - tell your GP yourself if you have to. This is seriously far worse than I thought.

It probably would be v bad for his liver.

3 bottles of wine a day is £20 a day. If that's a normal day that's £140 a week. If nothing else, do you really have £600 a month in your budget for alcohol?

Liver problems are generally quiet until the liver is so severely damaged that things are pretty well irreversible. People are often assuaged by their liver's seeming capacity to sustain damage.