I think my husband's drinking is getting out of hand...

[LovelyBath]

He drank three bottles of red wine last night. I noticed the amount, as in the last month or two I have stopped drinking at all.

I think it is too much. He went to the shop late in the evening to get the third bottle. This concerns me.

If he his, what can I do? It is his responsibility, not mine. But I don't want him to make himself ill. He doesn't do this every night by the way. Mainly at the weekends.

I'm not forgetting here that you're speaking for your DCs as well as yourself and himself.

I think we could be married to the same man OP, although with my DH beer is his tipple and he is not on medication. I have thought about posting on here several times before. His drinking pattern is the same - doesn't drink every night but at weekends drinks a lot so thinks it's ok and I'm just being a nagging wife. He also nips to the shops for more having already had a shed load. It's like when he starts there is no stop button until all the bottles are empty. Like you, I stopped drinking for January hoping to be good influence but this hasn't worked. I don't drink much anyhow but if I drink a glass or two of wine at the weekend he will finish the rest of the bottle on top of his own large quantities of beer. Now I just don't buy wine to try and stop the topping up. I'm worried about his health and where this is leading, he doesn't think that there is a problem. My biggest fear is that he will get sick and I will be very resentful and find it difficult to stomach if it has been self inflicted due to alcohol.

Thank you for sharing and I hope you get through to your DH

He loves, loves his children and is very happy with them. Me, less so. He struggled with me having anxiety and several emergency ops over the last years, had to give up his well paid job to look after the family. Self-employment is stressful, especially if new to you, and he's had a few bad experiences with people who have let him down. He is a bit of a perfectionist and a workaholic.

We have two boys, primary age. He often speaks of them growing up and leaving and how lonely he will be. He works a lot but doesn't have many friends of his own. Although he gets on well with his cousins.

Any social occasion he says he feels he needs drink to stop him feeling anxious and 'being boring and quiet" Even with people he knows quite well.

Oh, and also of course has had what was first thought to be ulcerative colitis, but is Crohns' disease for over ten years...He doesn't ever talk of it and carries on regardless.

Faraway yes that does sound similar. Yes it's the finishing of the bottle which is hard. he has said a few promising things about cutting down the drink before this note business...so it may well happen.

"My biggest fear is that he will get sick and I will be very resentful and find it difficult to stomach if it has been self inflicted due to alcohol."-

Yes. Me too, especially after working hard with my own docs for my own health conditions, and supporting him with his.

I think he might be really scared about my health spiralling and him being left to cope. He told me it was the worst thing he'd even have happen to deal with (understandably as I nearly died and after the op had a psychotic episode from the stress) So any kind of sign that might happen again could be causing this anger possibly.

He was angry because he has an alcohol problem.

(look at the 2nd question in the CAGE questionnaire):

patient.info/doctor/cage-questionnaire

Have people Annoyed you by criticising your drinking? Yes, i see. This is a common thing then?

Yes. It's a common trait.

Defensiveness ? Yep, goes with the territory.

So...that he's annoyed and defensive means he's more likely to have a problem with it? is that what it means?

Thank you, btw. for the link.

It's a fact that he drinks too much. That cannot be denied.

So he cannot be annoyed and defensive because he is being accused of something untrue. He is defensive at the truth. In denial, in other words. Just how deep that denial is something you might find out if you manage to confront him about it.

However, I suggest that on some level you know how deep in denial you both are because you seem to be hesitating to name it yourself and you are certainly frightened of confronting him square on about it

He's not a happy person then?

I'm very glad that you have a conscientious practice, Mary.

It's nothing to do with being conscientious cozietoesie OP has stated that the practice do regular blood tests because her DH is on methotrexate. Liver function tests are part of those tests. As I have stated, no extra time, effort or energy would be required to do liver function tests if they are taking blood for other tests. They just need to tick a box on a form. There would be absolutely no reason for doing some required tests and not others.

My own GP practice - with experienced and otherwise good GPs - allowed my father to drive etc when he was very seriously impaired because he had them cowed by dint of personality and brains. (Residual brains which could be harnessed for quick spurts that is.) These people just don't have time to do things properly in every case, I think.

I don't quite see how that is relevant to this situation. Are you suggesting that OP's DH might have his GP "cowed" so that they prescribe methotrexate but only monitor what he tells them to. That is a ridiculous suggestion.

How horrible for you, OP. Maybe you could persuade your husband to do things to deal with his stress and social anxiety. For example, vitamin B complex is very, very useful for stress and good for the liver too. There must be ways of relaxing without relying on alcohol.

I don't think anyone takes kindly to being told they have a problem with alcohol, though it is even harder to hear if it is true.

I've commented on many threads regarding I am the child of an alcoholic. Tbh it sounds to me like you had a problem with alcohol yourself which you are addressing, I suspect you were right he'd had 3 bottles of wine, I suspect he's drinking more than you are aware of, I suspect he is driving drunk, I suspect your children aren't as happy as you think with someone who sounds stressed and tense as your dh sounds.

Methotrexate is extremely dangerous with alcohol and it sounds as if he may already be experiencing physical health concerns at least partly as a result of the alcohol.

My mother wishes she'd left years ago, she too thought we adored our father, we didn't we feared him and adjusted our behaviour accordingly. My sister and I both now have serious mh issues and are NC with each other.

Addicts don't like having their fault pointed out to them, they try to hide it. I wonder what you would find if you looked around possible hiding places in your home and his car? What would the results of a liver test be? Are you usually with him when he visits the Dr? Because I think it would be very odd if the Dr has not said anything about being careful with methotrexate and alcohol and if the Dr has done blood tests they will have a good idea of what your husband actually drinks.

Tbh to be able to drink that much and not be knocked out chances are he's drinking more than you realise.

I agree, my DH gets very defensive if I try to talk about his drinking. He is very good at brushing it off and making excuses saying its 'only a few beers' and 'I don't drink every night'. He also compares himself to a friends DH who is a stereotypical alcoholic and says I'm not like xyz as he drinks in the morning and goes missing for days.

Yes angry probably does mean that he has a problem, a more rational answer would be 'thanks for your concern but....'
There's a great little app called Drinkaware which he could use to track his consumption, would he use something like that?

OP your situation sounds like it would be stressful enough even without your H presenting these additional worries and now reacting badly to you trying to help. I am another one with a DP whose relationship with alcohol is a cause for concern to put it mildly, and mine isn't much better. Forgive me if someone has already suggested this (I skipped a couple of pages) but if you have successfully managed to knock the booze on the head yourself you might find support on the Dry thread on here. Lovely people who are just trying to leave all that behind and help others along the way. I did dabble myself (under a different user name) but am struggling to stay on the wagon so haven't been in there for a while but they may help you get to grips with his lack of 'reasoning' around his behaviour and offer suggestions for tackling him on it as well as helping you maintain your resolve that your heart is in the right place if he starts undermining you.

I would search the house. I found many bottles and cans when I did

Many empty - possibly forgotten - some half full in wardrobes upstairs so obv popped upstairs for a wee etc and took a slug

If he is defensive it is as he knows he is drinking more then he should

Doing courses and counselling when dh was drinking I learnt that an alcoholic doesn't have to be staggering about drunk - as they drink so much their body copes with it better so they are actually a functioning alcoholic

People who binge drink at weekends have a problem with booze

Those who have a glassof wine every night after work have a problem

My Mother left my very sweet hard working Father who was in her words dull and married a man who was very exciting with glamorous film star looks but who was a functioning alcoholic. He died aged 49.

Nothing would have stopped him drinking, my little half sister was only 9 when he died and just last year she was crying about how she couldn't remember the sound of his voice.

It's made me anti alcohol plus I can barely drink as I have that darn Asian blush syndrome anyway.

Work on the situation but if he will not do anything about it and you cannot make him then I would take my DC out of that situation. If it was just you and no DC then fair enough.

So if you confront someone with concern about their drinking and are met with denial or empty promises about cutting down - where do you go from there?

Keep tying?
Wait for his health to get so bad he has to stop?
Threaten to Leave?

On the 3 bottles of wine subject, I do find MN to be very conservative and pretty judgy of alcohol consumption. I am a fairly big drinker as is my social circle. I have occasionally got through 3 bottles of wine in a day- don't forget that's around 9 large glasses- in 12-15 hours not so much.

There is no planet on which 3 bottles of wine in 12-15 hours is 'not so much' buckinbronco. This isn't about being conservative or judgy (and this is the MN that popularised the phrase 'wine o'clock' is it not?!). Adults can consume whatever legal substances they want as far as I'm concerned, that's their business. I grew up in a culture where a lot of alcohol is consumed and people would drink very heavily, although it wasn't usually wine, but 30+ units in one day is a massive amount for the body to process. A person who can get through that much and still be conscious at the end of it must, unless they're extremely large and heavy, be consuming an unhealthily high amount of alcohol on a reasonably frequent basis. You're confusing 'not so much' with 'amount I have drunk sometimes and think it's fine and unremarkable to drink'. They're not the same thing.

Agree with Blondes. Dh and my dad are very much 'functioning'. When dh was drinking he was holding down a good job, which he was good at, he was what I would call a good hands on dad and a decent human and a very loving individual. But he let it control him and used it to self medicate stress to the point where he had to hide it because he knew it was too much. My dad still drinks too much, but he's self employed and again what I would describe as a good person - with a complete inability to drink only in moderation. I used to find bottles hidden around the house as a child and agonise about whether or not to tell my mum or confront him myself. He never laid a finger on any of us and was never a nasty drunk, but I couldn't be around him when he'd had a drink which also made me feel guilty as sometimes when he and mum had argued I knew he felt shit and would seek out my company but then knew I couldn't bare to be around him either. Parents think they're shielding their children but they're not - it's extremely damaging. Which is why I had to tell dh I'd be leaving if he didn't get a handle on it. I couldn't expose ds to that.

I am a recovering alcoholic and this sounds very familiar. I hated anyone commenting on my drinking and would always explain it away / minimise quantities / redirect the conversation. Getting angry at the 'accuser' is a good way to make them back down as they are nervous the anger / stress 'they' have caused will trigger more drinking. We're cunning, manipulative fuckers who will do anything to protect our relationship with booze.

I thought I was stressed, anxious, needed booze in social situations. I didn't drink in the morning and sometimes could go for chunks of time without booze.

I also couldn't stop once I had started. That bit about going to the shop late having already had a skinful really rang my alarm bells.

The really shit bit of this story is that until he wants help, there will be very little that you can do.

As such, Al Anon is definitely your best bet as it will help you to deal with it until such time as things have to change. Find out where your local groups are and try to go along as soon as you can - it's really the only thing that you can do right now.