I think my husband's drinking is getting out of hand...

[LovelyBath]

He drank three bottles of red wine last night. I noticed the amount, as in the last month or two I have stopped drinking at all.

I think it is too much. He went to the shop late in the evening to get the third bottle. This concerns me.

If he his, what can I do? It is his responsibility, not mine. But I don't want him to make himself ill. He doesn't do this every night by the way. Mainly at the weekends.

Oh op you poor thing
It's classic denial getting angry like this

He kept saying why didn't I tell him 20 years ago...I'm not sure if he meant about my MH or his drinking ?!?

He has had a few glasses of wine probably as the children are away. Look there I go excusing him. I'm probably just an enabler.

It's not my fault though. Why an i being blamed?

Stay cool. He's likely angry at .....himself, life, things, gawd knows what .....but not you. It's railing.

Talk about your relationship and family to him. I suspect that that's the crux of the matter.

I'm sure there were 3 bottles this morning. But I did only hear him go out last night, it may have been for something else? Oh, who knows.

"Talk about your relationship and family to him. I suspect that that's the crux of the matter."

Yes, you may be right.

Go make a pot of tea and stay calm.

I'm not really surprised he's pissed off to be honest. Who is going to be ok with being accused of alcoholism? I'm not sure what you expected the note to achieve, it is quite infantilising - although I'm sure that's not what you intended.

Thanks for that helpful comment Buck, very thoughtful.

I think what is important is that my intention was good.

Off to bed now.

Look, if he's drinking that sort of amount, he'll be lying to himself and to you about it. Three quarters of a bottle becomes a drop left in the bottle. You know he's minimising. Why are you surprised he's lying now?

I'd have to disagree there, Buck. I can think of only one person in my extended family and friends circle that would take deep exception to such a note from their life partner. (And that person would not accept anything said about them that was even mildly critical - reasons.) I myself would take it as an expression of worry and concern, especially if there were children involved. Which there are.

OP, people keep asking and you keep ignoring it - does he drive the next day????

God I feel for you, OP.

All your GP will do is call him in for his required blood tests. If he's missed one, he'll get a reminder.

coconut

How many self-employed people do you know who don't drive in the course of their work? I would assume he does until told otherwise.

He works from home, so no, not usually (driving) He doesn't drink if driving with work, and I walk the children to school.

He just seems so critical of me and the reasons why I would do this. But I'm not even sure if he's just saying that due to the drink iyswim. He can sometimes say stuff and not even remember it the next day. God knows.

Rubbish to have like the one evening off we have once or twice a year and to be spending it in different rooms from each other.

Another thing, I don't like him drinking due to the mood swings and also it's kind of repulsive when you aren't, isn't it? I don't want to lie in bed next to him. Going to sleep separately till be stops or cuts down.

I think it's just denial, really and he doesn't like it that I've pointed it out.

cozietoesie I take drugs that effect liver function and the liver function tests are certainly done regularly. Considering that OP says her DH has blood tests regularly they are also doing his liver function tests. It wouldn't make sense for them to do some of the required tests but not others. It's not as if it would saves any time or effort - it just involves ticking another box on the form.

Of course I think that OP's husband should not be drinking huge amounts of alcohol while taking methotrexate. When have I suggested otherwise?

He's likely angry at the world, his life, everything in fact - you're just a temporary lightning rod.

Watch that driving. People can - quite badly - underestimate the amount of alcohol in their system even if they're 'only' taking in the amount he's officially drinking.

Even one and a half bottles is far too much if he is taking methotrexate. I don't blame you for leaving him the note but I would keep very quiet about the phone call to the GP. I would be very angry with DH if he did that.

Yes I mean probably in common with many of us life is stressful just now.

Children
Elderly parents
Self-employment
Unusual unpredictable illness, constant monitoring
My MH condition to add to the mix
No family support

You can see how it can be overwhelming. Not excusing anything, just it is a stressful time isn't it. I really think looking at the overall picture can help. It helps me feel less entangled and responsible anyway.

There will likely be a reason why he is drinking like this so he will need help to stop in my experience.
He needs to find other ways to deal with his problems, like counselling, a support group, meditation, exercise, yoga, that kind of thing.
Stopping the drink without putting other stuff in place to help him cope is in my view probably doomed to fail. Good luck to you both OP. Both myself and my partner have stopped drinking having been heavy drinkers previously. It is a relief to know that we are no longer damaging our bodies with alcohol but for both of us it was a way to cope with some very difficult stuff in our lives.

I did say in the note to the GP please not to let him know I had written. I might make an appt and say how he reacted and make sure she is Ok with it etc.

I'm very glad that you have a conscientious practice, Mary.

My own GP practice - with experienced and otherwise good GPs - allowed my father to drive etc when he was very seriously impaired because he had them cowed by dint of personality and brains. (Residual brains which could be harnessed for quick spurts that is.) These people just don't have time to do things properly in every case, I think.

Yes, it is overwhelming.

But I think it is a good rule of thumb in a family that the parents don't piss about with their health.

Snog yes I found replacing it with a bath and Headspace quite helpful, but I've tried and can't get him into it (mindfulness, not the bath!)

I think the trigger this time is some awful work thing where he's not been paid for some big piece of work and taken for a bit of a ride, and he's drowning it in alcohol. I noticed his father is a bit similar- not an alcoholic but drinks when stressed.

good rule of thumb in a family that the parents don't piss about with their health.

Exactly, this. I had a life saving op in recent years and this is exactly how i feel and why I am so upset about this, it is so important.

The NHS spending on the treatment he has yet he's mucking it up by drinking...

It makes me so angry.

Drink may not make things go away but it can surely make them recede for a time.

Is he a happy man in his life and his family?