AIBU not to want my niece to come as well?

[OfCourseIChangedName]

I think I just need to be told to get a grip. But I'm a bit annoyed.

I live in a different country than my parents and sister. I don't see my parents that often, once-twice per year. They've only seen DC1 a handful of times, and DC2 just once.

My sister lives an hour away from them. My niece (11) spends all school holidays and most of the weekends there, and goes on holidays with them, either with my sister or without.

This summer, we agreed that my parents will come over for a week or 2, to spend time with DC. (Not to provide free childcare, I'm taking time off too). They've just emailed me that they bought tickets and oh, your sister can't take time off, so they're bringing my niece.

And I don't want her to come.

First, I'm sure my sister could take time off, at least some. Niece also has a father (they're not together) and other grandma. Plus there are summer camps and stuff, so it's not the only option. Of course, it's easier for my sister just to have parents taking care of this.

But more importantly, I know she's just a child and all, but my niece is spoiled, rude, ungrateful, messy and general pain in the arse. I do try - last time she was over I organised all kinds of activities for her; I always send her presents etc, but everything is met with a 'not interested', shrug or 'whatever'. So instead of spending time with my family, my parents will be busy running after her, again. Cooking her separate meals, going places where she wants to go instead of where my kids would and so on.

So - AIBU to want my parents to actually spend time with my DC for a week per year? Or am I a mean cow? If I am a mean cow, how to deal with this?

I agree Stable - we all have our dedicated roles in family -I'm the independent, not very demanding one, can always manage by herself. Sister is the no-hope puppy dog, as far as parents are concerned. She's very smart, several degrees, very high level job - and parents still tend to treat her like she can't tie her own shoelaces.
Guess we all have our cross to bear.

catholic per chance?

Well done on a difficult conversation. That, plus bravery, honesty and listing is exactly how to stop playing the roles assigned that you described above.

Everyone has the right not to be the person other people, long ago, decided they must be.

Be needy and demanding if you want, it could be productive!

Happy holidays whatever the outcome.

Everyone has the right not to be the person other people, long ago, decided they must be

Just wanted to repeat this as it's so right!

It is def worth letting DPs know how you feel as this will roll and roll otherwise (it still might).
But you could think about the future - hopefully DN, once older, will get fed up of hols with boring DGPs and not want to come. You making it clear you prefer DGPs on their own will help encourage this.

No not catholic, just an expression.

I'm kind of hoping that niece will also mature at some point, and want to visit us on her own (or with Dsis). But I do want some GP time for my kids as well.

Thanks for telling me I'm not selfish and unreasonable in this case.

Very, very well done on having the conversation. It took grit and guts! I bet your heart was pounding like a drum! It's really great to hear that the response was reasonable. Maybe this could be the beginnings of a change in the dynamics? Fingers crossed!!

Well done on being assertive. Enjoy the visit.

Well done for discussing it with your parents OP!!! A thousand times better than simmering in resentment.

YANBU, I can't believe that they just dropped the fact that they'd be bringing DN too so casually into the communication. Even amongst family, surely the polite thing to do is ask before lumbering hosts with bringing an additional guest? For this reason, I would agree with those who are suggesting postponing until Grandparents are free of other responsibilities. If they can't get their tickets refunded, it should definitely make them think twice before doing this again!

Well done on having the conversation!

Can you move their visit to term time? So she will have school that she can't miss and there won't be a 'childcare ' excuse! Your DC are young so won't matter. You will also get thinner crowds if you choose to be out & about when they visit. Why postpone?! Advance their visit!

I would arrange holiday club where you are

Hi OfCourseichangedname,
I think you were right to be annoyed initially but then your niece is only a child and these decisions are being made for her possibly she doesn't want to visit you either, she may want to stay with her friends, her mother, her father. Your parents seem to be over-protective if they are over-riding the decisions that your sister has made. I liked how you approached it, I think if you had had a hissy fit then your parents would be thinking 'Jeez oh, what a pair we have brought up here'. I disagree with other posters about the age difference of the kids, my DS is 10, nephew is a year and a half and they get on great. Remember what we were like as a pre-teen, love bomb her, get your DC to make her a wee card and send her it, build a relationship. Tell her you will all eat the same meals, tell her what you all like and ask what she likes, I'm sure there will be tastes you share. Get her involved, making lunch, make pizzas, cupcakes, have special time alone with her, do something you enjoy, take her for a coffee, go shopping ,make her feel special. You could go swimming, visit a farm, safari park, zoo, beach, feed the ducks. What's she interested in? Art/sport. Go pottery painting and get all the kids to make something together. Create some great memories for her. You could be her favourite aunt. Don't take your issues with your sister out your niece, don't let it fester, choose to do it differently. I can't believe people who are saying 'make her time so miserable she won't want to come back' That's cruel. Maybe your kids will travel with relations or your parents some day, I would want their hosts to treat them like their own kids - or even better lol
Good luck and enjoy!

I just want to have some time with my family and my parents, and not the usual 'how to entertain niece, who reacts to everything with 'whatever' and 'don't like it' exercise.

but MrsMac I agree that I don't want to make her time here miserable. She is my niece after all, and as you say, just a child. And I'm planning to invite her (with or without sister) over separately - she also behaves better when her mum is around, as grandparents let her get away with murder.

The trouble is that I think some dcs do smaller children, and some don't. My dd doesn't much care for little children, and is awkward and shy around them. In fact I am not that fussed on kids (except my own! - and even then not that much sometimes!). I could never have worked in childcare/nursery/nanny type of job. I nearly dislocate my jaw yawning if I have to play "pretend" games. I once went out with a mum who was leaping about in the bushes being a bear and generally being a full-on kids' entertainer all afternoon. My jaw was hanging down in half admiration, half horror. I'd thought we were going to have a nice chin-wag whilst the dcs played together, not have to do active play .

Ive been thinking a lot about my input in this thread and just wanted to add. The girl is only 11 and it is not really her fault she's obnoxious and demanding, she's a child. Perhaps she's very unhappy because her mother prefers the company of others. This could be all a reaction and hurt behaviour. My aunt, my mothers sister and I have recently talked about my mother and how she treated me as a child. I just wish just once my aunt had given me a hug and told me she loved me as a child because I believed myself so unloveable - I was withdrawn and would cry easily. Then I became very angry as a teenager and in some ways was very immature and in others very grown up. I've only now in my 40's started to really resolve my pain. You Dn may desperately need as many substitute mothers as possible for her to mature. And you as her aunt could be one of them.
I find those, who are most difficult to love need love most of all.