Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want my niece to come as well?

191 replies

OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 14:44

I think I just need to be told to get a grip. But I'm a bit annoyed.

I live in a different country than my parents and sister. I don't see my parents that often, once-twice per year. They've only seen DC1 a handful of times, and DC2 just once.

My sister lives an hour away from them. My niece (11) spends all school holidays and most of the weekends there, and goes on holidays with them, either with my sister or without.

This summer, we agreed that my parents will come over for a week or 2, to spend time with DC. (Not to provide free childcare, I'm taking time off too). They've just emailed me that they bought tickets and oh, your sister can't take time off, so they're bringing my niece.

And I don't want her to come.

First, I'm sure my sister could take time off, at least some. Niece also has a father (they're not together) and other grandma. Plus there are summer camps and stuff, so it's not the only option. Of course, it's easier for my sister just to have parents taking care of this.

But more importantly, I know she's just a child and all, but my niece is spoiled, rude, ungrateful, messy and general pain in the arse. I do try - last time she was over I organised all kinds of activities for her; I always send her presents etc, but everything is met with a 'not interested', shrug or 'whatever'. So instead of spending time with my family, my parents will be busy running after her, again. Cooking her separate meals, going places where she wants to go instead of where my kids would and so on.

So - AIBU to want my parents to actually spend time with my DC for a week per year? Or am I a mean cow? If I am a mean cow, how to deal with this?

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 04/04/2016 16:25

Waitrose a child who is not her responsibility, wasn't invited, and is a brat. The OP is perfectly entitled to tell her parents to not come if they're not coming alone.

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 16:26

janecc I wouldn't go that far, I don't think my parents are narcissist. And I like to spend time with them. They just genuinely think my sister needs more help (she doesn't) and to be fair, last time when they came over, I did offer that they could bring my niece, so guess they just assumed it's a blanket invitation.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/04/2016 16:26

i think you either say something, and id go along the "hurt" lines, rather than pissed off, because i think thats the essence of it, or else just have your niece come along, but make sure you pull her up on her behaviour, but I do wonder if youre projecting your family issues onto your niece here a little bit. I mean, it isnt her fault that your sister was the golden child, and however much you can try and pretend when youve got your parents alone, the dynamics remain as the elephant in the room

Kelandry · 04/04/2016 16:26

Can you ask them to take it in turns to watch the niece at home alone, while the rest of you go out as a group to bond. Tell them the whole point of coming over is to get to know your DC. If niece wants to be sulky, then sitting at home with one grandparent will suit her fine.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/04/2016 16:28

By another country do you mean within 2 hours flying time so frequent visits are feasible but your parents can't be arsed. Or properly awkward location / long haul?

This sounds like the sort of thing my parents would do. Pure cultural assumption that because your niece is family that of course she would be welcome any time. You're going to be the world's worst daughter "for not even giving your niece a chance" to be a complete brat and spoil your time with your parents What a total PITA. It's 4pm, have some Wine

You could:
Express your displeasure and suck it up, but make it clear that it's only on your terms ie. Niece gets to come to the petting zoo etc. and that she'll be eating whatever has been made for the family and frigging like it.

Do what Lealander said. Which honestly is the best option. Your sister must be taking some time off during her child's school holidays. Get your parents to come then. though they are possibly going with her

Say nothing and see how it goes, even if you have to take your niece aside and tell her to cop herself on during the trip. If it's a disaster then lesson learned, you can actually point to a series of incidents and why she is not welcome back as part of your parents annual trip, and that it would be different if you saw them more frequently.

My sympathies. I can see a similar situation arising in my own future. It's all very well for people to say that she's only a child but it's very difficult to stand by and watch someone drag up a child badly and then be expected to host their atrociously behaved offspring without as much as a civil please.

TheHoneyBadger · 04/04/2016 16:29

ok no offence but the 'i did say they could bring niece' is a bit of a drip feed. it does of course change things.

0christmastree5 · 04/04/2016 16:29

So You offered them the chance to bring dn ... So there are..... And now you are now complaining.
That's changes things .... A lot. It's a far cry from what you said in your op.

leelu66 · 04/04/2016 16:30

YANBU. I think you need to speak up now or this will become an annual thing.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/04/2016 16:31

So you said niece could come?

leelu66 · 04/04/2016 16:31

0christmas I think the OP meant that she invited the niece last year.

Just because she invited her last year, it doesn't mean that the invitation stands every year.

lem73 · 04/04/2016 16:34

I don't think you're at all U because I have a similar problem with my ILs and dh's nieces and nephews. We live in a different country to them and when we visit dh's country, his dns arrive at MILs first thing in the morning and don't leave til their bedtime. I don't think it's fair on my dcs but what can you say? Perhaps it's an easier conversation when it concerns your own family rather than ILs.

0christmastree5 · 04/04/2016 16:34

Lee- I didn't see it was an invite for last year.

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/04/2016 16:36

I'd be tempted to say 'Yay, niece is coming! I'm really looking forward to spending 1:1 time with my niece! And you can spend some time with my kids! Hurrah! Niece and I are off out then, see you later.'

Then leave with sulky niece. It doesn't matter what you do, the point is that your niece is out of the equation and your parents will be more or less forced to see their other grandchildren. Win.

I will say that it looks like your parents have misunderstood about the nature of your invitation to niece, not like they were trying to hide their guilt or anything.

RupertPupkin · 04/04/2016 16:36

If you offered last time, could you use this as an out?

"Hi, sorry - I think there's been a misunderstanding! We didn't realise you'd be bringing DN this time. As much as we had fun last year, this time round we'd just love to see the two of you. We will catch up with DN and Dsis another time."

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 16:36

Tread across Europe, no direct flights, so you pretty much need to plan a whole day for travelling. Not feasible to just pop over for a weekend.

I tried the approach you suggested last time she was over. She would come out with us, but sulk. And refused to eat, raided the fridge or had my mum cooking her special foods. We managed to bribe her with a trip to a big amusement park, so she behaved a little better for a couple of days before that, but then sulked again as we left the park too early for her liking...

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/04/2016 16:38

I think it is very unfair. It's nothing to do with her being a child, whatever sort of child she is.

When you rarely see your parents and you have a week together, you take time off work etc so that you, your children and their grandparents can spend time together. .. and then you find that neice who your parents see every school holiday, and every weekend plus they take niece on holiday with them, is coming to this special week.... well I would be royally pissed off. They've only met OP's DC2 once!

My DPs never once had my DCs, because they were too busy looking after my siblings DCs!

I totally get you OP. No idea what you should do though.

Ludways · 04/04/2016 16:39

YANBU, my IL's never go anywhere without SIL's eldest, they barely even know my dc's as she demands all their attention.

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 16:39

No, I didn't suddenly change my mind. I invited the niece last year. Or to be precise, last year when we were planning the visit, I said that if there are no other options, they can bring niece as well. It was never discussed that niece will also come this year.

OP posts:
Janecc · 04/04/2016 16:40

Good glad they aren't that bad. Op can you clarify. The last time you posted you said Dn could come. It isn't clear , was that for the last trip they came or for a future trip? Because if you saw them at Xmas and said Dn could come along another time then your parents were working off the invite. If not, they've overstepped.

PPie10 · 04/04/2016 16:41

If your sister is working then it seems like they will not leave her. Are you ok with them cancelling the visit?

Branleuse · 04/04/2016 16:43

you could always try and do things that are nice for all ages. People quite often have that sort of age gap in the same family. I think some of it will be the attitude. you dont want to accomodate her, even though you pretty much invited her, and you dont want her around, because youre actually jealous - understandably really, but if you dont want a kid to come, you dont invite them. Do you think youre secretly a bit of a people pleaser, that invites, crossing fingers they wont come, or says yes, when you really want to say no?

You "could" try and use the opportunity to make a relationship between you and your neice, and do things that are nice for her, and if youre using something as a bribe, then see it through, and dont leave it early etc

totalrecall1 · 04/04/2016 16:44

I think you are going to have to suck this one up as you asked her last time they obviously thought you wouldn't mind. You need to make it clear that next time they should come alone. An 11 year old will need entertaining, and in a different way to the younger kids. Its just going to be a pain in the butt, she won't have any of her home comforts, and will be thoroughly bored doing the things you want to do with your two. She is going to need to be taken places, which won't be what the holiday is about. You can either try explaining that to your parents now, or before the next time. Taking an 11 year old to see two babies makes no sense to me.

Janecc · 04/04/2016 16:44

Then they've assumed. Real toughie then. Yanbu but you will be seen by your family as unreasonable now this is a fait accompli. I would chalk it up to experience and make my position clear for the future. And insist on respect from your Dn and some alone time with GP's. She's 11 can't you leave her home alone for a couple of hours once or twice?

Waltermittythesequel · 04/04/2016 16:45

What about

"I didn't realise you'd have to look after niece for the week. Let me know when you can come/when sis is off work and we can rearrange so you get quality time with the dc."

Strokethefurrywall · 04/04/2016 16:47

Please, for the love of all that is good and pure, copy LeaLeander's original response and text it over to them. Or email.

It's non-confrontational and gives them a good chance to realize that they don't get to see you on their own, nor will they get a chance to bond with your children, their OTHER grandchildren because of your niece.