AIBU not to want my niece to come as well?

[OfCourseIChangedName]

I think I just need to be told to get a grip. But I'm a bit annoyed.

I live in a different country than my parents and sister. I don't see my parents that often, once-twice per year. They've only seen DC1 a handful of times, and DC2 just once.

My sister lives an hour away from them. My niece (11) spends all school holidays and most of the weekends there, and goes on holidays with them, either with my sister or without.

This summer, we agreed that my parents will come over for a week or 2, to spend time with DC. (Not to provide free childcare, I'm taking time off too). They've just emailed me that they bought tickets and oh, your sister can't take time off, so they're bringing my niece.

And I don't want her to come.

First, I'm sure my sister could take time off, at least some. Niece also has a father (they're not together) and other grandma. Plus there are summer camps and stuff, so it's not the only option. Of course, it's easier for my sister just to have parents taking care of this.

But more importantly, I know she's just a child and all, but my niece is spoiled, rude, ungrateful, messy and general pain in the arse. I do try - last time she was over I organised all kinds of activities for her; I always send her presents etc, but everything is met with a 'not interested', shrug or 'whatever'. So instead of spending time with my family, my parents will be busy running after her, again. Cooking her separate meals, going places where she wants to go instead of where my kids would and so on.

So - AIBU to want my parents to actually spend time with my DC for a week per year? Or am I a mean cow? If I am a mean cow, how to deal with this?

I think it's a bit of a fait accompli.

BUT - I would speak to the parents and say that in view of last year's visit, when the niece didn't appear to enjoy herself (was difficult and demanding...) is she sure she wants to come? And that you are keen to do some "toddler" things and are really not going to be doing trips to theme parks/shopping etc etc.

I understand as my parents spent their lives dancing round dsis and her dds and if I ever pointed out any unfairness it was me who was the mean one. Sigh.

Put your family first

This girl is the OP's niece, she is family too. I feel a bit sorry for her, as much as she enjoys being with her grandparents, it can't be easy if her mother prefers to 'see young people' rather than spend time with her daughter.

Rhoda - oh, I know that accusation so well!

I'm guessing, OP, that the dynamic in your family means that 'normal' ways of tackling the problem that assume some modicum of rational behaviour on your DPs part may not be much use here. Any interaction that sets boundaries possibly seems very high risk too, not just with your parents but with the golden sister as well. I think a lot depends on the history of the relationship and what feels 'safe' for you - depending on how abusive this has been in the past and what the exact history is. But I definitely don't think it's a good idea for you or your kids to keep caving to unreasonable assumptions.

I appreciate how hard it is to set boundaries, though. To answer the question you asked earlier, OP, I mostly just suck it up.

OP you're not going to say anything to your parents, as after 127 pretty unanimous replies it still hasn't happened.

So at least make sure that next year's visit is sorted out before they buy the tickets.

YANBU. Today is not the day for me to hear about SIL's childcare issues and how the nieces and nephews have to stay with the GP's because of such and such whereas really SIL can take time off and just wants time off from her kids.

Ok major projecting. I'll get over it.

But if they still claim they have to bring her, guess I'll suck it up

I really have no sympathy for people complaining about others being unreasonable or walking over them, when they refuse to stick up for themselves in the slightest way.
Someone is being brought to stay in your house uninvited and unwanted and you won't even say anything to those bringing them.
Bizarre.

Sorry just realised its your sis and not SIL.

It looks like you are stuck with her then. I would talk to niece before she comes over to let her know there will not be a repeat of last year.
Use a nice firm teacher voice.
There will be no sulking and whining, no raiding the fridge and no specially cooked meals, she will smile, behave and be grateful and not act like a spoilt brat.
Print it out and have her sign it when she arrives (let her know this ahead of time) as she has agreed to the terms of the holiday, or maybe she can choose to go and see the other side of the family for a week.
At 11 the school my sons went to started doing this, they had to sign an agreement about behaviors at the beginning of term and they said it cut way down on problems. They would refer kids to the agreement they signed if there was trouble.

OP if you don't feel comfortable standing up to your parents now with regard to your niece coming to stay would you feel more able to be assertive whilst they're actually with you i.e ignoring your niece's sulky behaviour and your parents' attempts to appease her? Just act exactly how you would act were your neice not with you.

In my experience the more awkward/demanding adult sibling often ends up being golden child as the parents find themselves wanting and seeking their love and approval. Nothing will change unless you challenge this dynamic.

I would definitely be pissed off.

I like RhodaBull's suggestion of emphasising how much DN didn't enjoy herself last time & wouldn't it be easier if she didn't come?

I have to admit I am a little surprised how little kindness people are prepared to show even for family. Are we all so wrapped up in our own little nuclear families?

So this girl came last year and behaved badly.....well a year is a long time for a child, she could have grown up a bit in that time. Does she not deserve a second chance?

Put a positive spin on it. It's not what you would have hoped for but maybe your niece will behave better and even enjoy getting to know her younger cousins. Don't let your parents pander to her in terms of outings, meals etc. Your house, your rules. A bit of compromise - do some things your niece will enjoy doing on the condition that she behaves well and comes along happily to outings your dc will enjoy.

It won't necessarily be terrible, but it might well be if you start out with the mindset that she will spoil things.

Ive had the opposite. We always see my brother and family at my parents as its in the middle and too far to easily travel to each other's. So at easter mum invited my family at the same time as my brother and family. It was a bit awkward, we had to rearrange a few things but did so to enable the visit. However it came out that brother wanted mum and dad to see his children on their own. Quite reasonable I think but mum had wanted us all together. Although mum knew he didn't want it, she still invited us! We see her lots more than him so I can see his point.

I think it's reasonable to want her to come on her own, but it may be that she is engineering it to suit her not the niece!

YANBU I would be so upset by that. You and your DC rarely get quality time with your parents/their GPs and now this chance to have that is effectively ruined. Are they under pressure from your DS to have her DD or have they chosen to do so thinking it will be nice? It's a tricky one though as its probably too sensitive to bring up your niece's behaviour as a reason. Are you close enough to either parent to call them and say: "I was really looking forward to this week as a chance for my DC to bond with their GPs. I love DN to bits and of course I want them to get to know their cousin but as you have her so much of the time and are already close I feel that's going to change the dynamic of our planned week. It would mean a lot to me for us to have quality time together just our little family. Can DS sort alternative childcare for DN just for one week? Then maybe next time when you and my DC know each other better we can all do something or go somewhere together?"

That's a totally reasonable request and they're cheeky to announce they're bringing her without checking but sometimes people think anything goes when it comes to their DC. Your DS needs to step up too and see this from your POV. Can you speak frankly to her?

Are we all so wrapped up in our own little nuclear families?

Think you missed the point entirely -

DSis has full time free childcare - enjoys her own weeks off on travels - and GP pandering to DN every whim - reducing the quality time spent with their other grandchildren -

OP should not be part of her sisters life style plan

In the same vein assquinkiesrule, If you really are stuck with the situ as is, i would at least talk to your parents about how they manage her behaviour. IMO they will set the tone for how she behaves and how much she thinks she can get away with.

Also I have a suspicion you are demonising your niece because of all the difficult feelings you have about your sister

Or, maybe she's "demonising her niece" (although I disagree that she is) because the child's behaviour leaves something to be desired? And she'd like her parents to spend some dedicated time with her own children for once.

Yanbu. I would be pissed off.
I would be honest and say that your niece did not seem to enjoy the stay last year and you are concerned that she will find the activities planned boring and not have any company as your children are still very young. Also press the fact that you were looking forward to spending time with them and your two as it is a rare occurrence.
If they insist she comes along, I would toughen up and not put up with any shit. She is 11 -old enough to know how to behave. Don't pander to sulking and moaning, ignore it completely or tell her to behave herself! If she stays with you, then she lives by your rules. You could see if there is a local kids club for her age going on that she would enjoy -being with children her own age having fun rather than dragging around with grandparents and babies.

Have the akward conversation. Worth doing, your DCs get so little time with their grandparents, they really won't get much from this visit if your parents are busy looking after DN to focus on them. DN gets lots of time to bond with her grandparents, your DCs get a week a year. If that week doesn't work for your parents to come alone, then they should find another week. Stand firm or they'll be bringing her every visit.

Id have a chat with your DM and be honest.

"Look. DN obviously didn't enjoy it last time and like you've said before she's challenging. She's welcome if she's going to behave but I thought the visit was going to be about spending lots of time with (your kids) so if you think it might end up all about DN again it might be worth rescheduling. (Your kids) are older now and might notice and be upset if they think you're prioritising DN"

Not the same situation but I'm single and my siblings aren't. We used to (note past tense) go on mass family holidays where my parents would pay for the accommodation and we would pay for food/drink etc. Every year I would get a shit kids room while my siblings (and their children) would get the lovely rooms with en suites. I did the simmering resentment for years until one night I turned up at a house last (was working late) and they had basically assigned me the box room which was so small that you hit the end of the bed when you opened the wardrobe door while my siblings' children had lovely massive rooms. I lost my shit and it has never happened again. I tend to get the best room nowadays and my siblings don't dare complain.

So please say something OP - it's the only way you are going to change the status quo.

YANBU and I'm really surprised that your parents thought it was okay to invite another person(even if it is your niece)to stay with you.

I would have to say something if it was my parents,if anything you could be doing them a favour,if they find your niece hard work and they're always looking after her I would imagine they could do with a break from her.

Ywbvvvu to not communicate your feelings frankly to your parents

When I was 11 I wouldn't have wanted to go and stay with my aunt with two tiny kids anyway. I wonder if anyone has asked what she wants.

YANBU, OP.

I think you have just two options. Either you tell them that it's not ok to bring her without even asking (it shows they suspected you won't agree anyway). Or you talk to her right away and tell her that the schedule of holidays is already decided according to the way your children should be spending time and that there is no way she would be allowed to behave like the last time so the if she promises, give her another Janice. If she doesn't, that will make it far more easy for you to convey o your parents that as she is already being difficult, there is no point bringing her. And please don't cancel the holidays either way. I read that your Dsis is not really facing lots of problems as a single parent so it's time she actually takes some responsibility too.

"Chance"!! Stupid phone