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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want my niece to come as well?

191 replies

OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 14:44

I think I just need to be told to get a grip. But I'm a bit annoyed.

I live in a different country than my parents and sister. I don't see my parents that often, once-twice per year. They've only seen DC1 a handful of times, and DC2 just once.

My sister lives an hour away from them. My niece (11) spends all school holidays and most of the weekends there, and goes on holidays with them, either with my sister or without.

This summer, we agreed that my parents will come over for a week or 2, to spend time with DC. (Not to provide free childcare, I'm taking time off too). They've just emailed me that they bought tickets and oh, your sister can't take time off, so they're bringing my niece.

And I don't want her to come.

First, I'm sure my sister could take time off, at least some. Niece also has a father (they're not together) and other grandma. Plus there are summer camps and stuff, so it's not the only option. Of course, it's easier for my sister just to have parents taking care of this.

But more importantly, I know she's just a child and all, but my niece is spoiled, rude, ungrateful, messy and general pain in the arse. I do try - last time she was over I organised all kinds of activities for her; I always send her presents etc, but everything is met with a 'not interested', shrug or 'whatever'. So instead of spending time with my family, my parents will be busy running after her, again. Cooking her separate meals, going places where she wants to go instead of where my kids would and so on.

So - AIBU to want my parents to actually spend time with my DC for a week per year? Or am I a mean cow? If I am a mean cow, how to deal with this?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 04/04/2016 15:51

Yanbu, absolutely. I'd do what pp said and firmly suggest rescheduling without niece. It'll totally change the dynamic. That's a real cheek palming their daughter off for an entire fortnight!

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 15:51

Cars not really a problem, as there's not enough room for an adult on the back seat with 2 car seats, so we need to take both cars whenever we all want to go somewhere anyway.

rumble sister probably didn't even think about it, it's basically assumed that whenever my niece does not have school, my parents are responsible for her.

Changing the dates is an issue as my mum is a teacher and therefore has obviously time off during school holidays. And my babysitter is off during the time they are planning to visit, so I would be home anyway - at any other time, I would need to take extra holidays and take the kids out of childcare (while paying for it).

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 04/04/2016 15:53

Just tell them.

BoatyMcBoat · 04/04/2016 15:55

Do what shove said. It's OK to let them know you were looking forward to spending time with just them, it might even make them feel a bit special (I bet your sister doesn't do that).

Find some things that your parents would really enjoy but your niece wouldn't and say you had booked for you all to do those, and how sad you are that you'll have to cancel them now. Pull the strings.

I know it's a shame that you're not looking forward to seeing your niece, and that she's a child and it's not her fault and all that, but it's your sister's responsibility.

yorkshapudding · 04/04/2016 15:56

YANBU. Your DC's get one week a year with their GP's. I don't think its too much to ask that this one week is quality time, where the kids don't have to share attention with a GC they see all the time. It was completely unreasonable of your DP's and DS to assume you would be fine with plans changing all of a sudden and I'd worry that going along with it would set a precedent.

Even if it makes your parents defensive, I think you should be honest about how this has made you feel. I would explain to them that you feel it's unfair on your DC's and that if your DS is unable to arrange alternative childcare then you'd rather rearrange the visit for a time when your parents are actually free (as opposed to busy providing childcare for DS) and your DC's can have their GP's all to themselves for a week.

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 16:00

Felicity yes you are right. A part of it is the fact that I feel they have always preferred by sister, and now prefer my niece. But another is that as said, I don't have a close relationship with her. I have a friend staying with her 11-year old soon, and that will be lovely - the child is a delight, happy with everything, plays with my DC, no trouble really. With my niece, I don't really know what else to do - whatever I try, is met with sulky 'whatever'.

If anybody has any suggestions how to improve this, they are gratefully received - of course I would like to have a closer relationship.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 04/04/2016 16:01

It takes one scapegoat to know another ofcourse! Grin

You know you can't win, right? You don't speak out, and they act like you're not bothered. You do, and you're 'difficult' because - shock, horror - you're demanding recognition as a person with separate ideas and interests. So all you can do is to state your feelings and expectations in a firm and assertive but non-aggressive way. And let them be mad as a box of frogs in their response!

RatherBeRiding · 04/04/2016 16:01

I wouldn't get into a discussion about it - just say "Sorry but we can't accommodate DN. What a shame. Let's rearrange for another time when you can come on your own."

If you allow it this time, it will happen every other time. Not your fault DN isn't an easy child, and not your fault DSiS used parents as free child-care.

shockthemonkey · 04/04/2016 16:04

Felicity, the niece sounds unbearable and certainly it's not OP's fault that her reln with her is bad -- so OP should not suffer (nor should her DCs, or her parents for that matter).

OP, at 11 your niece knows how she should be behaving, and chooses to please herself. I would be firm because I know from experience how insufferable a difficult 11 yr-old can be when they move in for a week.

She may grow up and become nice to be around again -- at such a time, it will become a pleasure to have her company and I'll bet she'll enjoy herself more too.

The right "attitude and approach" in this instance, Felicity, would be for OP to put her foot down.

Good luck OP

PPie10 · 04/04/2016 16:07

Yanbu op but I can't see how you can possibly tell them without causing a big issue. they've booked the tickets as well do it comes across badly to now not bring her. If you aren't treated equally, this is only going to make you look even worse.
Your sister is working so your parents will probably not even come, would you be ok with that? Also a potential fall out With them? Sorry I just can't see how this will work out for you.

Janecc · 04/04/2016 16:08

Totally agree. Yanbu. I would not offer to pay for the ticket though as you did not create this mess. Before I went in guns blazing, I would check with your parents why they must take Dn to determine who instigated this plan. If your niece is spoilt, are your parents being put upon by dn's parents? If I had GP's coming to spend a week with my DD, I wouldn't expect them to bring another child along even if it is family without checking first. Assuming this is half term or summer, her parents even if not together, have plenty of tIme to organise childcare/ holiday clubs.

0christmastree5 · 04/04/2016 16:10

Honesty is the best policy. If your dn comes over and is sullen or has it all her way you will be resentful and not have the time you want with your parents. Neither will your parents or your dn. And next year, she will be along again.
Set your standards now, you love all your family but this it is important you spend time with your parents and they with their gc.

Lunar1 · 04/04/2016 16:11

I'd have to say something, why on earth didn't they ask you first before deciding you would house and cater for an extra person for a week??

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 16:12

shove ah yes, you've been there and got the T-shirt as well Grin
How do you handle it, are you the 'difficuly' one or just suck it up?

Rather I know people like to say that no is a complete sentence, but just 'can't accommodate' won't quite work. We have the space and transport and don't have any activities planned where the niece can't go.

OP posts:
Rainbowlou1 · 04/04/2016 16:16

I would be pissed off too..but I am rubbish at speaking up for myself and saying what I think so I'd end up sucking it up and being miserable!!Smile
I hope you do say something though xx

ScarletOverkill · 04/04/2016 16:18

I would be pissed off too OP
How presumptuous of them to have booked her tickets and expected you to pay for them! Shock
Are they staying with you when they come over?
Will you have the room for her?

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/04/2016 16:18

I can't see how you can possibly tell them without causing a big issue. they've booked the tickets as well do it comes across badly to now not bring her.

So because they've behaved badly, railroaded the OP and not considered her feelings she should not do anything to upset them by reacting or communicating that she minds?

That's the basic essence of abuse Sad Please don't upset me or inconvenience me in any way when I'm busy taking advantage of you.

TheHoneyBadger · 04/04/2016 16:19

yes shove it takes one to know one or two or three Wink so familiar on the 'can't win' bit and all you can do is act sanely and then stand back for the firework display.

the trouble is they rely on you not reacting and wanting to cause trouble hence the just booking it without asking and knowing the scapegoat will just pt up and shut up to avoid fireworks.

grr.

Janecc · 04/04/2016 16:19

Just seen your post. The only way is to create boundaries. There is no changing it if you are ACOA. Adult child of a narcissist. I'm also the scapegoat. It will be painful as shovetheholly said. I am well down the path of redressing the power dynamic with my mother, brother and SIL. Boundaries, minimising contact I'm afraid. I would rather have my head shaved than spend that long with my mother. I have read a lot about narcissism. I particularly like acoarecovery.wordpress.com posts. It is for children of alcoholics but there is tons in there about narcissism and all relevant.

chanelfreak · 04/04/2016 16:20

I would be blunt OP - I know it's easier said than done, but your sister and niece have your parents around all the time, whereas you only have this week or two. Tell them sooner rather than later that the invitation was only for them and that your niece can come over another time (just keep it vague on that front!)

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/04/2016 16:20

I would be hurt / disappointed / upset / angry about this too OP. I agree with everyone else - you really should say something. Good luck.

DontAskIDontKnow · 04/04/2016 16:21

I think it's quite telling that they booked the tickets and then told you that they were bringing her. It shows that they know what they're doing is the wrong thing.

I expect they feel that they have no choice, but they've made a conscious decision not to ask you first. Probably in the hope that you won't argue and so they then won't have to get into conflict with your sister. If you say anything now, then it's you who's causing the conflict, not them.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 04/04/2016 16:21

YABU she's a child!

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 16:21

Scarlet sorry I was unclear, they don't expexct me to pay for the tickets. I was thinking of offering to pay for niece's ticket, if she's not coming, as they're not refundable.

Yes they woud be staying with us, but there's space for niece.

OP posts:
PPie10 · 04/04/2016 16:23

Rumble I didn't disagree with the op if you read my post. All I said was they went ahead Anyway and booked the ticket, and I don't see how suddenly they will leave her behind.
Fine for the op to say what she feels but she should also be prepared for a fallout from this. They seem to be very, very close to the Neice and it's going to come across as the op against a child to them.