AIBU not to want my niece to come as well?

[OfCourseIChangedName]

I think I just need to be told to get a grip. But I'm a bit annoyed.

I live in a different country than my parents and sister. I don't see my parents that often, once-twice per year. They've only seen DC1 a handful of times, and DC2 just once.

My sister lives an hour away from them. My niece (11) spends all school holidays and most of the weekends there, and goes on holidays with them, either with my sister or without.

This summer, we agreed that my parents will come over for a week or 2, to spend time with DC. (Not to provide free childcare, I'm taking time off too). They've just emailed me that they bought tickets and oh, your sister can't take time off, so they're bringing my niece.

And I don't want her to come.

First, I'm sure my sister could take time off, at least some. Niece also has a father (they're not together) and other grandma. Plus there are summer camps and stuff, so it's not the only option. Of course, it's easier for my sister just to have parents taking care of this.

But more importantly, I know she's just a child and all, but my niece is spoiled, rude, ungrateful, messy and general pain in the arse. I do try - last time she was over I organised all kinds of activities for her; I always send her presents etc, but everything is met with a 'not interested', shrug or 'whatever'. So instead of spending time with my family, my parents will be busy running after her, again. Cooking her separate meals, going places where she wants to go instead of where my kids would and so on.

So - AIBU to want my parents to actually spend time with my DC for a week per year? Or am I a mean cow? If I am a mean cow, how to deal with this?

What Lealander said

I have no time for cramp like this, and would just tell my parents not to bother coming at all if they're bringing a job wth them, as your niece is basically that in this instance.

I've been told I'm heartless though, so you may not want to use my ideas.

I'd be mega pissed off.

Call your parents. Explain you were really looking forward to spending time with your parents and your children all together. Explain it won't be the same dynamic with your niece there too.

Put some pressure on for them to pressure your sister into booking the kid into child care for the week or something.

Yep, absolutely what Lealander said.

I would be massively pissed off with this too OP, and I too live away from my family. That being said, my niece is awesome as are the rest of my family, but I can understand that your time together with your parents alone is very important.

I wouldn't want a sullen, rude, disinterested 11 year old in my house either - especially if this is a rare opportunity for your parents to bond and spend time with their other grandchildren.

I would have to say something and Lealander has the perfect response.

I think you should tell your parents that you're really hurt. Straight up, maybe in an email rather than over the phone. Tell them that you want them to spend just a bit of time with your family for a change. That they see your niece regularly and help out a great deal with your sister's childcare. That when she's around, because she's high maintenance, they tend to pay more attention to her than your DC and that all activities end up focused on her. And that you find this really painful and feel second-best because there is no quality time for them to spend time with your DC alone.

Has this always been the dynamic between you and your sister? It strikes me that, by not speaking out, you are essentially letting your parents off the hook. And that this is a classic strategy for those who are scapegoats. It lets your parents preserve a very unequal dynamic, because they can turn around and say 'We don't think ofcourse minds that the treatment of the grandkids is unequal' when you DO mind. Of course you mind!

I would just say "Actually we were looking forward to just seeing you. I'm happy to postpone until such time as you can come yourselves without niece. " and see how they respond.

This.

We have this both sides, I'm heartened to see the replies as I thought I was being a bitch.
Sometimes, just sometimes I want my kids to get the attention, time and gifts.
I love my nieces, but my children don't have a relationship with their grandparents independently.

So yanbu but how you say it, I don't know

I don't blame you for being pissed off but I honestly don't see how you can stop her coming without starting a family fued.

Totally agree with other posters ,just tell them to postpone until they can come without the niece .

Sigh you are right, I should just tell them.
Of course, there's a back story why I'm so reluctant to do it - Golden Child sister and parents who get very defensive whenever I even hint that this might be the case. But it's one week per year for my DC.

Just tell them clearly that it's not on as the holidays are for your children only. Refuse to accept her and be totally clear about it. Your sister is taking a piss specially as she didn't talk to your directly and didn't even nbother to ask if you would like her daughter to accompany grandparents to your holidays. What a prick
Just refuse outright.

I would be sad about this. But I would tell my mother that this does not work. You have not invited dn , you invited them to spend quality time with you and your children. I don;t know about your home situation, but for most people I assume space would be an issue - a dn of 11years will not want to share a guest room with her gps or with your dcs. Could you claim there is actually no room for her? What about seats in the car? Is there room for family trips with an extra person? I am assuming you would drive them around - 5 people, six be too many for your car? So as well as telling your parents you are disappointed with the new plan they have presented, it actually does not work, logistically anyway?

shove crossposted with you. Yes, that's the case.

Very rude to self-invite a child like this, so you are not unreasonable to feel upset at all. I like ceebie's suggestions of how to get this message across. Being honest is better than quietly building resentment, although I would steer well clear of judgy statements about your niece being a spoiled child etc, and I would also give them benefit of the doubt / ask why she's coming (might be something more serious than just making your sister's life easier). I would point out that the age gap will make planning activities more complicated, and you were not ready for this (being tired with your very young kids etc). Maybe another time it will be ok, but it would really help if they asked first.

Going forward though, unless you plan to cancel the trip (I wouldn't), plan every day of the stay and share your plans with your parents and your niece. You could look up camps for your niece, so that she can choose between 'Thomas the Tank engine' places you are going to visit and swimming or netball camp, for example. She would have to choose in advance and stick to it, and I would expect your sister to pay for these camps. If your sister is from a non-English speaking country, you could sell it as a way for your niece to improve her English.

No i don't think YABU. I have had similar issues. My DB's DCs see my Dad all the time and when we do visit UK they always come over to stay with Dad too so my DCs never get any one-on-one time with Dad as my DN and DN always monopolise his time as they are used to having him to themselves and have a stronger relationship. Last time i asked that they not visit when we were popping over for a weekend and that request went down like a lead balloon with SIL and DB. Stand up for yourself and put your foot down. You need to preserve and encourage your DCs relationships with their Grandparents.

Ofcourse you will need to be firm and strong to them, and tell them that your niece cannot come, she has another granny and a dad she can go to, and sister is able to take sometime off. This is their time with your children, if they cannot do that, then we will have to arrange during school time that you come on your own.

I feel your pain OP. Similar situation sometimes arises in my family as IL's drop everything for BIL's children no matter what and one of them in particular can be 'challenging' too. However we do live close by so can respond by limiting when this happens....even if it is infuriating when our dc get dropped or their time with IL's gets 'crashed'.

I think notquitegrownup has the right idea.

If your sister had basic consideration she would be saying firmly to GPs no, this is ofcourse's time with you. Not offloading her kid. If she's that brassnecked and your parents are enablers then you are going to need to say it cheerfully and bluntly. This would really upset me too.

I really like what notquitegrownup2 said.

I wouldn't be annoyed or sad. Because I'd be telling them that neice wasn't invited, or welcome, and wasn't coming. You don't just bring another person to your hosts house without an invite, no matter who they are or what age.

Can you get them to change to another date outside school holidays so your sister will not need them for childcare?

How does it work out with cars - does having an extra child make transportation a pain.

YANBU - It would irritate me too. I'd stop going out my way to entertain your niece although it might be that she has matured in the last year.

I think it's really rude of your parents. It's one thing to 'impose' your niece on you - you are her auntie after all but it's really rude yo impose her on your DH.

often we find it more painful in a way when we see the dynamic playing out on our children than having gone through it ourselves. time to stand up OP, sometimes where we didn't feel the need to stand up for ourselves we find when it comes to our children it is more 'worth it'. sad really because essentially it means 'we' are not worth standing up for but our children are. make a stand please, will do your self esteem and boundaries and sense of yourself as a mother and adult the world of good.

It must be frustrating for you to have had a plan of how things would go and that be changed, but sorry, I think YABU. The issue here is that you don't like your niece or have a good relationship with her. This is not her fault. She is a child.
She is your niece, part of your family, and has a strong attachment to your parents.
If they were planning on bringing a friend of theirs for example then I think that would be quite different, but you are her aunt and your DCs are her cousins. This could be a great family meet up with the right attitude/approach.