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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want my niece to come as well?

191 replies

OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 14:44

I think I just need to be told to get a grip. But I'm a bit annoyed.

I live in a different country than my parents and sister. I don't see my parents that often, once-twice per year. They've only seen DC1 a handful of times, and DC2 just once.

My sister lives an hour away from them. My niece (11) spends all school holidays and most of the weekends there, and goes on holidays with them, either with my sister or without.

This summer, we agreed that my parents will come over for a week or 2, to spend time with DC. (Not to provide free childcare, I'm taking time off too). They've just emailed me that they bought tickets and oh, your sister can't take time off, so they're bringing my niece.

And I don't want her to come.

First, I'm sure my sister could take time off, at least some. Niece also has a father (they're not together) and other grandma. Plus there are summer camps and stuff, so it's not the only option. Of course, it's easier for my sister just to have parents taking care of this.

But more importantly, I know she's just a child and all, but my niece is spoiled, rude, ungrateful, messy and general pain in the arse. I do try - last time she was over I organised all kinds of activities for her; I always send her presents etc, but everything is met with a 'not interested', shrug or 'whatever'. So instead of spending time with my family, my parents will be busy running after her, again. Cooking her separate meals, going places where she wants to go instead of where my kids would and so on.

So - AIBU to want my parents to actually spend time with my DC for a week per year? Or am I a mean cow? If I am a mean cow, how to deal with this?

OP posts:
sallyhasleftthebuilding · 04/04/2016 16:48

We have this - same thing - GP have nephew all the time after school weekends and hols - he's always there - and he comes first with GP's

My there have no say in activities and never get any GP time -

SIL feels her DS needs quality time with my children - I don't - he's spoilt and whiney-

I feel your pain - Tell your mother NO - sorry can't - doesn't work - tell them you're not happy that they have invited her -

Let them be pissed off rather than you .

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 16:48

now that would indeed be spectacularly unreasonable if I had invited the niece and was then whining that she's in fact coming Grin

No, I invited her the last time, the visit was a disaster. She was not invited this time, we only discussed about my parents coming.

PPie I'm sure my sister could take time off (she just prefers to keep her holidays for travelling) and as said, there are other options like niece's dad or other grandma. But I wouldn't tell the parents that either they come alone or not at all. I'll tell them that I'm disappointed and will ask to check other options. But if they still claim they have to bring her, guess I'll suck it up.

OP posts:
JassyAlconleigh · 04/04/2016 16:51

I think you're perfectly entitled to be upset about this.

Your DPs should have checked first.

I agree, as them to postpone until they can come alone. That age gap will never work and it sounds as though you'll spend time doing 11-year old activities instead.

Just say "its really not the holiday I'd looked forward to, understand if you can't come without DN, please can you give me dates that would work? I want to spend time with just you two and let my DCs have a chance to enjoy your company one-to-one. I'll catch up with DN, DS Uncle Tom Cobbely, when we are next home on leave. I'm sure you understand my disappointment at not seeing you alone." type thing.

If it helps, it's the sort of thing my DPs did, they looked after DN ll the time; she was a very precocious child and I think they confused their role sometimes as my DB and SIL left her there all the time.

I found her grating and not as compelling as they did and had to ask them not to bring her on outings in the end.

A whole holiday in your country? Very cheeky.

Only1scoop · 04/04/2016 16:52

I thought I was going to think ywbu when I started reading but....

You bloomin well aren't Op

I'd be Hmm

Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 16:53

OP, why does your niece spend most weekends with your parents? That sounds a bit odd to me even if your sister is a single parent. What does your sister do when her dd is at your parents? What about your niece's dad, how often does she see him?

Your niece sounds very unhappy.

0christmastree5 · 04/04/2016 16:55

Ok I'm corrected it was last visit you invited her.

Convo with parents asap then.
Or
You keep your dn busy, helping out, little jobs of course, she'll be glad to home and never want to return!!Grin

ApocalypseNowt · 04/04/2016 16:55

There's a difficult conversation to be had that's for sure or this situation will continue ad infinitum. But please don't put it off till next year....it will be worse then i think.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 04/04/2016 16:56

Yadnbu.

Trouble is DN had a trump card to play if the attention strays too far from her - I can see it now....

"DN is a bit upset - she's homesick/missing mum and dad. Awww. She feels like doing xyz. Let's not upset her even more...." 🙄

Roussette · 04/04/2016 16:56

no point in having a conversation asking parents to change the date as all the flights are booked. Best OP can do is to offer to pay for the flight for niece and she doesn't come.

Why do some people just assume? It's so bloody rude.

Frazzled2207 · 04/04/2016 16:58

Yanbu at all. You're going to have to be honest with your parents. I think it's a nice gesture to pay for niece's non refundable flight but you shouldn't need to - they were very U not to check with you first.

StableYard · 04/04/2016 16:58

I think I would have to do as previous posters have suggested by saying to them that its such a shame they cant come alone and will rearrange for when they are free.

The fact that you dont want her to come - and I totally understand and agree why - would put the trip on a negative slant before they even arrived. Then by the time they do get there, you'll be so fed up and upset about it you'd be tetchy and not enjoy their company.

It's so unfair OP. Hope you get it sorted and the niece doesn't come

Frazzled2207 · 04/04/2016 16:59

Also, sounds like niece had a miserable time last time she visited anyway so probably will not be bothered about not coming?

PovertyPain · 04/04/2016 17:01

I think they're bullshitting when they say your sister can get your niece looked after. They just want to bring your dn with them to give your sister a break.

Roussette · 04/04/2016 17:01

How can OP ask her parents to come another time without niece, when they've booked and paid for flights for themselves and niece?!

They're hardly likely to say... OK dear, we'll forego £££ and book another time!

PPie10 · 04/04/2016 17:03

Exactly roussette. I can't see that happening.

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 17:04

Dancer my sister had her when she was quite young, so my niece spent a lot of her childhood being brought up by my parents. And as she has a lot of friends where they live, she actually prefers to spend time there. While my sister, still being relatively young, likes to do things young people do.( Nothing unorthodox, just to see friends etc. She has a good career, nice DH, not a struggling single mum who can't cope).
So works out for all of them really. Niece sees her dad every now and then, not regularly, but they're in contact.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 04/04/2016 17:06

YANBU. I wouldn't worry about the fact you invited niece last year, given that when she came she was sulky and unhappy to be there; I don't think that changes anything. Just ask them to reschedule.

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 17:07

As for changing the time - as said, mum is a teacher. Whenever she has holidays, niece has holidays.
And at this particular time, my childminder has her holidays, so I will be off and home with kids anyway. If I asked them to come at any other time, I would have to pull kids out of childcare and take extra time off myself if I wanted to see my parents. Doable, but not ideal.

OP posts:
Mynameisdominoharvey · 04/04/2016 17:07

YANBU
As someone who also has parents in another country I would feel just as miffed as you, and really, as they're staying with you, they (and your sister) should have consulted you before any plans involving DN were made...also fuck cooking her separate meals, you're not a burger king "have it your way", are you?

Throwingshadeagain · 04/04/2016 17:07

While I can completely appreciate how you feel, especially given the back story of 'golden child' sister, I do actually think YABU.

I don't agree with posters saying your parents have been rude. From their perspective, they have no idea this is a problem for you, it's the same amount of guests, they think you will want to see your niece, they are helping your sister out AND you invited niece last time. So I think it's unfair for posters to lay into them. All they are doing is bringing your niece with them!

I think if you confront them you really have to first think about this from their POV and be prepared for them initially at least to be shocked and upset.

Also I have a suspicion you are demonising your niece because of all the difficult feelings you have about your sister and her relationship with your parents. That's not a crime, we all know that feeling when you don't warm to a child because you don't warm to the parents or the parents parenting is infuriating!

Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 17:08

Also, when was the last time you saw your niece? Children change, she won't necessarily be rude and spoilt this time.

Hissy · 04/04/2016 17:16

Oh ffs! woman up!

You know they booked the flight for your Dn without telling you because they knew you didn't want her, because of last year.

You have to go back immediately and say, "no, after last year we would prefer it to be just you both, not Dn."

It's their problem for not asking you first, and actually they have done this on purpose.

Make the Dn her mother's problem. Don't allow this lazy parent to ruin your time with your parents. Have a word with golden sis if you have to.

Put your family first! Stop allowing others to trample over you all the time.

If they insist on Dn coming, then say that you'll reschedule the trip to something more convenient, but that Dn won't be coming. If they can't respect you enough to ask etc, then the trip needs to be cancelled until They do.

kaitlinktm · 04/04/2016 17:16

Even if you do have to suck it up and accept that she is coming next time, I think you should make it quite clear during this visit that the next time you want to see just your parents and that your niece does not have a standing invitation.

Original poster
OfCourseIChangedName · 04/04/2016 17:16

dancer in real life I saw her a year ago, so one would hope she has matured. We skype though, and I'm not too optimistic based on that.

OP posts:
2016IsANewYearforMe · 04/04/2016 17:17

YANBU

Can you plead that your house is too small to accommodate everyone? Otherwise, I think Leander has the right idea.

I have had similar things happen to me. I remember going to great expense and trouble to bring my PFB to see my grandmother before she died. I stayed with my aunt who advised that I not come during the family reunion because it would be better to have quieter time together. Then my sister, my father, my stepmother and my half sister all showed up! Without asking. My DSis wanted to stay up until 2/3 in the morning and sleep in until 10 am and objected to my DD1 waking up at 6am as toddler often do. I was cross! Angry Very typical for my family. One asks to come and then 4 show up! I can't imagine what it would be like without an ocean between us!