AIBU not to want my niece to come as well?

[OfCourseIChangedName]

I think I just need to be told to get a grip. But I'm a bit annoyed.

I live in a different country than my parents and sister. I don't see my parents that often, once-twice per year. They've only seen DC1 a handful of times, and DC2 just once.

My sister lives an hour away from them. My niece (11) spends all school holidays and most of the weekends there, and goes on holidays with them, either with my sister or without.

This summer, we agreed that my parents will come over for a week or 2, to spend time with DC. (Not to provide free childcare, I'm taking time off too). They've just emailed me that they bought tickets and oh, your sister can't take time off, so they're bringing my niece.

And I don't want her to come.

First, I'm sure my sister could take time off, at least some. Niece also has a father (they're not together) and other grandma. Plus there are summer camps and stuff, so it's not the only option. Of course, it's easier for my sister just to have parents taking care of this.

But more importantly, I know she's just a child and all, but my niece is spoiled, rude, ungrateful, messy and general pain in the arse. I do try - last time she was over I organised all kinds of activities for her; I always send her presents etc, but everything is met with a 'not interested', shrug or 'whatever'. So instead of spending time with my family, my parents will be busy running after her, again. Cooking her separate meals, going places where she wants to go instead of where my kids would and so on.

So - AIBU to want my parents to actually spend time with my DC for a week per year? Or am I a mean cow? If I am a mean cow, how to deal with this?

Say what shove said in her (I think) first post. I think you should just be honest.

I agree you should tell them how you feel . I used to get jealous when my niece was invited to my house without me being asked. However, She died 4 years ago when she was 17, so I feel horribly guilty about my jealous feelings. Life is too short. Be kind to your niece and if she is being difficult, ignore the unwanted behaviour, ask her to help you with the little ones, give her some tasks. She will be able to help look after them , make her feel important.

Dear God, please tell us you have spoken to your parents and sorted this very sortable thing out. As numerous people have said to you, JUST TELL THEM.

HTH

Lots of posters have said this but LeaLeander said it first a few posts in. Tell your parents that your niece is not invited and if that doesn't work for them then maybe next time.

Your parents were pretty high-handed just inviting her and your sister is a bit on the selfish side too. Surely at least one of the adults would have been able to join the dots and realise that a holiday to you and your children would be better unaccompanied?

Stand your ground. :)

Just tell them! I don't mind a bit being asked to stay away...I quite understand, but if no one had said anything I wouldn't know!

Why not just suggest to your parents that you don't think your niece will enjoy visiting you, due to the age of your children. Subtly mention the sulkiness of your niece and disinterest last visit and ow they had to keep pandering to her whims.

Clearly state you want them to spend some time getting to know their other grandchildren and not worrying about your niece being unhappy. Suggest that she visit other relatives or stays with some school friends, or goes to school camp if there is one.

Truly it sounds like your niece is resentful of the way her mother dumps her on her grandparents, and cannot be bothered with her.

how not ow

I'm in an almost identical situation except for my mum is never around for me as she has my niece "dumped" on her for weeks at a time.
She is 13, and this has been all her life.She is domineering, rude, argumentative and has caused such trouble within the family. My sister couldn't be less interested.
My mum complains constantly about her behaviour and attitude and is exhausted by her, and yet never says no.
I've had some really really tough situations but have been very much alone because of this.

I chose to say something some time ago. It resulted in my sister refusing to speak to me, my mother being awkward and funny with me and I wished I had not said anything. Nothing changed, I'm still without help or support and now feel even more isolated.

If you feel brave, choose your words carefully and say it. Be prepared for consequences that you may not be expecting is my advice.

So what are you going to do, OfCourse?

I doubt the parents know that the last visit was unsuccessful in OP's eyes as I don't see that she ever told them.

OP, all three of them will be coming, so I'm basing my advice on that assumption.

Do toddler activities. When DN complains that she'd rather be doing xyz, say "well, it sounds like fun ... but you can do xyz with grandma and grandad any weekend, but DD and DS only get one chance a year so that's why we're doing abc today". Repeat, repeat.

I also think a strategic aunt-and-niece day shopping or whatever while the parents potter about with their grandchildren, probably towards the end of the holiday, would be beneficial to everyone.

Sorry I kept some people waiting for update and apparently assuming I won't do anything - had to get home, get the kids, feed them etc.

I talked to parents. They were actually really reasonable and said they totally understand that I want them to spend time with my DC only for a change, and they also agreed that my niece can be a pain and it will be more relaxing without her.

Sister had some childcare solutions mum was not too happy with, so she thought that it would be better to take the niece, but I did remind her that my sister is the mother, after all. So they promised to look for other solutions for niece. All good, no WW III.

But thanks for the posts here, otherwise I would not have said anything and simmered in resentment.

As for the looking out for family - like a pp said, well sis and niece are still family as well, I would like to have a nice relationship with them. So will try to organise something when I can see them as well soon - just that this particular time is for parents and my DC.

As much as I feel heart sorry for an 11 year old who does not spend much time with her dad. She does not have any time with Grandma on the other dad's side or any other members of his family. She has limited time with a self obsessed mother who would rather spend time travelling and being with people her own age or younger. She has a step dad who does not seem to play any part in her life. She spends most of her time with her grandparents. We don't know how old the grandparents are but any time soon they are going to be old and not up to pandering to a temperamental pre teen.
It is not good that the parents/grandparents think they can invite people to the OP house without consultation especially when the person they invited is someone who made life difficult for everyone on the last visit.

I agree with the other PPs who say that the DGPs need to be informed that they have over stepped the mark and that they should consider the dynamics of the situation. There are going to be the grandparents, the OP being the parents of 2 tiny DCs, the pre teen and 2 babies. There are very few activities that would be good for all those age groups.
It is the OP holiday too as she is off work because her childminder is going on holiday and although staying at home she wanted to spend the time with her children and parents. So this is ruining OPs holiday.
I don't suppose that the 11 year old is delighted with this either.
The person I think who is the PITA is the DSis who has not taken responsibility for the child she created. She lives the live she wants without a care in the world. That is not being an adult. The DSis needs her eyes opened for her. There may be all sorts of in fighting but surely the grandparents are not so daft that they cant see the route of the problem. The 11 year old is not their child and not their responsibility.

Great outcome then

Well done on having the convo - it's not easy, but great outcome. :)

Great!

Whenever you skype, impress on her how you expect her to be helping with the children, helping with the cooking, helping with this that and the other. Mention your friend's 11 yo and how helpful she was and how much you're looking forward to having someone like her about again.

Could your friend with the nice 11yo have to stay with you at the time your parents are there, so there isn't room?

I'm glad you spoke to you mom about it and they listened. I think you were perfectly within your rights to speak up and say you weren't happy with the plan to bring your niece under the circumstances you have described.

Hm, they will just be caring for her in a different location.

Personally I'd say something.

Glad it is sorted - I am a favoured dd and my mum and dad live with me, dp and dd and do a lot of childcare. They are about to head off to see my younger brother and his 2 kids in the US they see about once a year. Both me and dp will take annual leave to cover school pick up - we wouldn't dream of asking them to take dd or accept if they offered. This is a short period they have with my brother and his children - it would not be the same if they had full time care of my dd as the same time (for cousins relationship I will facilitate that my mum and dad need to go and be grandparents not grandparents and loco parentis at the same time!) astonishing so entitled your sister could see differently - I have better plans for holiday than take by half days for school pick up but the that is not an excuse

ummmmm...... sorry to be pessimistic but its still not sorted completely yet.

I would not feel at ease until you hear exactly who is having your niece as I still think that there is potential for her to come

Well done OP. Fingers crossed they follow through and don't get talked out of it by your sister having a hissy fit.

I agree that it's not sorted yet - will call sister tomorrow as well, because it apparently wasn't her insisting that parents bring the niece, she was fine with her arrangements.

Yes, I wouldn't count my chickens until your sister has agreed to the change of plans in an amicable fashion, op. I suspect she won't. Why would she? What's in this new arrangement for her?

Be ready for your parents to report that DSis is having trouble finding childcare and that Dniece is coming anyway. Be especially ready for them to hint that you're making trouble and being quite unreasonable to have raised an issue in the first place.... you need to consider how to counter that, if it comes up.

x-post - looks like I have done your sister a disservice, apologies! That sounds more promising.

I think your parents are overstepping their role as who decides on appropriateness of childcare.

Completely irrelevant to this thread but this is why I have never used my parents for regular childcare as I know they would think they had much more input into decisions about my children than they actually do.