To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

[YoJesse]

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

"SDTG not STD!!!! That would have been an odd username choice!"

Don't worry!

Koala

• ...until someone whose need for the priority seat is obvious gets on the bus/train or until someone whose need for the seat is not visible, asks for the seat..."

schwab
I think posts were deleted because a poster made offensive and disablist remarks and then other posters challenged them quoting the offensive remarks.
You are right to say it is an emotive subject and of course deletion is equal to both disabled and non disabled posters.
But there was no aggression from the people protesting against the disablist remarks. So let's be fair about that. There was naffed offends no doubt, but that happens when someone is offensive. Their discriminatory posts were deleted and I'm not going to repeat then here otherwise this will get deleted too.
You do seem to want people to question their motives for veins kind and thoughtful, or for having good manners. It's an interesting viewpoint but I would say it's not about being old fashioned and doing something because it's good manners. I would say it's being kind, considerate and thoughtful, "would you like this seat?" "Yes, thank you". Or "would you like this seat" "no thank you, I'm ok".
The man declared his disability because it was not visible and requested a priority seat.
That's all he needs to say.
There is an awful lot of going round and round in circles on this thread and people raising the same objections over and over again.
It might be helpful to RTFT and see if any objections or questions have already been exhausted and debated to death.
It would be really helpful if before posting people could take a bit of time to understand what it is like to get out and about as a person with a disability and how challenging, draining and tiring that is, not to mention having to battle and fight for every little adjustment and consideration they need just to get trough a day.
We all understand what's it's like to be out and about with a toddler.
Do we all understand what it's like to be a person with a disability?
The posters on this thread who DO understand the two situations through personal experience have valuable knowledge to share, and have done so. Multiple times.

schwab you know if they are less able i(and it is not visible) if they declare it.
"I have a disability and would like a priority seat" or words to that effect.

I would like to say that if you do have a hidden disability and therefore have to declare it lofty to get assistance, it takes guts to do that because you know people will view you with suspicion. So a priority seat pass could work for those who feel less assertive.
It takes guts just to leave the house when you have a disability, hidden or not. People who have disabilities are 30% more likely to have anxiety/depression.
So let's be kind.

candy yes its all very convoluted now.

TBH my issue is with people who think small children should stand so adults without disabilities (or all the other categories of priority) should stand. Those people keep popping up on the thread (without having read the discussion a few pages previously) waving the "good old fashioned manners" flag and ignoring the fact that small children are indeed at more risk standing on a moving bus than adults without disabilities who are not pregnant and not elderly etc.

I personally think the legitimate right of disabled people to use the priority seats is undermined by the people who keep piping up that children should stand for everybody because Manners.

It is a derail to make the thread about Children Knowing Their Place and Having Good Old Fashioned Manners but people keep doing that.

People - regardless of age (unless elderly) are allowed to sit on priority seats if the bus is otherwise full and should give those seats up to anyone with priority, but healthy adults who do not fall into the priority categories do not have any priority what so ever over children, and people who think they are superior because they make their children stand for adults who do not fall into a priority category are of course entitled to think what they like but don't have a logical or legal or moral leg to stand on, they are merely thoughtlessly following a somewhat illogical out dated practice - boasting about being Old Fashioned isn't anything to be proud of when the risk analysis of the specific thing you are being old fashioned about doesn't add up.

This attitude does show up on MN on threads on a few specific topics - there will be a legitimate point made (eg. children should not be out slamming metal gates and kicking a ball against the OP's living room wall at 11:30pm at night) and then holier than though Old Fashioned Parents will pile in and say that in fact children should not be allowed to make noise in their own garden at all because it might theoretically disturb an elderly neighbor who might theoretically want to sleep in until 11am and have a nap between 11:30am and 4pm and watch the TV in peace til 6pm and then go to bed, and in fact they always kept/ keep their DC locked in a sound proof room with An Improving Book to read when not at school, and allowed them to take a quiet walk around the garden between 4pm and 5pm, and everyone else should do the same otherwise they are Selfish (hyperbole, obviously)... Those posts detract from the sensible, moderate ones saying that no, children should not be out causing a riot etc. at 11:30pm by stretching the apparent requirements for acceptable behaviour to an unrealistic and unpleasant extent.

BTW in case anyone else addresses posts to me I have to go out and do other things, and as you say candy the thread is going around in circles and I cba to explain the same point over and over, so I will bow out.

Good luck to everyone catching the bus or train today :o

That's why I think people should avoid sitting in the priority seats at all, unless they fit into one of the 'priority' categories.

(I accept that most won't agree.)

(Sorry - was referring to kandy's previous post)

Obviously that is supposed to say "
TBH my issue is with people who think small children should stand so adults without disabilities (or all the other categories of priority) can sit ."

candy yes because on my own i don't have the confidence anymore
I also suffer with severe anxiety, ocd and depression which i actually hve had longer than the disabilities, but have been made worse because of them.
I worry though about the hoops that people would have to jump through to get one!
I have been treated appallingly just to get pip these last two years.
I have eorked up until 2years ago when i could no longer stand up and was having sucidal episods, yet the hassle pip caused me. ( just thankful the woman doing my esa was a decent human bring).

No i don't think offensive comments from disabled people should stand, however some of us did not write offensice things,nor quote the offensive comments.
I think if people write goady or offensive comments regarding disabilities they should know people are going to reapond.

I was sitting in a priority seat a few months back and a woman behind me was sniffing about non disabled people sitting in priority seats. I wasn't sure if she was having a go at me or not. However, I was a few weeks post-hysterectomy so still quite sore. On top of this I had shopping. As well as that, there was noone round standing who looked like they needed a seat (the said woman was already sitting.) Normally if I was sitting in a priority seat I would be prepared to give up my seat to elderly, disabled or pregnant women etc, but not on this occasion!

"TBH my issue is with people who think small children should stand so adults without disabilities (or all the other categories of priority) should stand."

You've met my mum, then, Schwab?!

spidey that's annoying. That's the kind of thing people with permanent hidden disabilities deal with every day. It can make a person quite grumpy :)

Nodding in agreement with Schwab (great name, btw - I've lived in that part of the world, brings back mixed memories ). There's a real streak on MN of exactly the sort of Old-Fashioned Parenting she means - posters almost vying to demonstrate their strictness credentials and frothing at the mouth over others' less-than-angelic kids. I find it rather disturbing, tbh - I do wonder whether some adults who suffered as children from belittling and being put in their place now feel it should be their turn? My point was that an adult should not expect a seat over a child by virtue of adulthood alone. In any given situation there may be an adult less able to stand than a 3yo, in which case the adult should have the seat, and one more able to, in which case, I would argue, the child should have it.

spidey i get this all the time. I wear headphones all the time now so i can't hear people saying 'what a rude young lady i am' atleast people think im young!
Atleast it doesn't seem to matter what i wear, whether i'm wearing heels or not they still say it! Yes some days i feel like wearing my boots or shoes with smallish heels, if i could wear completely flat shoes it wouldn't chNge my pain or unsteadiness.
Besides, my heels now are nothing like the heels i used to be able to wear

The easy solution is to not have anyone standing on public transport, the bus service will then need to put on more buses.

You coukd have them running every 10 mins and still have people standing at one time... Plus that wouldn't happen for all services.
They've just cut mine. It's every 30minutes after one time ( which means 40 minutes as it does not turn up ). It now starts running even later later in the morning so for anyone who needs to start work at 630/7 in the city, can't rely on public transport no more.

I can see why you did what you did but as a disabled person it is so awkward getting somebody to move from priority seat and usually I just need the closest one with a bar I can use to help me up/sit. Also need to sit straight away so don't really get time to think it through before the bus starts up. I would have been a bit upset though if somebody then spoke to me being bothered that I needed a seat when nobody offered one without being asked.

Zombie!

Talk about entitled, your son who travels free , was taking up a disabled space and you moaned when he took the seat. I hope I never meet you when I need that seat