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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

622 replies

YoJesse · 02/04/2016 14:43

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/04/2016 15:00

Oh. So not feeling ashamed yet op. I would in your shoes.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:01

clone I was standing

OP posts:
ImNotThatGirl · 02/04/2016 15:01

This is exactly why we don't use public transport anymore.

BaskingTrout · 02/04/2016 15:01

A disabled person asking to sit in the seats reserved for disabled people? How dare he! The very cheek of him!!

Maybe your son had more of a claim to one of the seats than the other "able looking" people, but your disagreement should be with them, not with a man who has clearly stated his need for one of the priority seats.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/04/2016 15:01

Bertie the OP states that she was standing, her DS couldn't really have sat on her lap :o

Priority seats are sometimes signed as being for parents with young children and it is true that a 3 year old is in a vulnerable position standing compared to an able bodied adult or taller older child who can reach and has the strength to hold on.

The OP is unreasonable for confronting the man after giving up the seat, but not for having her child in the seat in the first place - the people to "confront" (politely ask whether they, in fact, need the seat more than a fragile 3 year old) would be the other healthy adults in the priority seats of course - and yes of course nobody knows if others have hidden disabilities, but that goes for kids as well as adults.

Of course the MN response is always that children and their mothers should suffer on principle, and in fact should probably stand up even if the bus is empty, never take the enormous liberty of using a seat an adult might need/ want / whimsically prefer to other available seats...

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/04/2016 15:03

Bertie the OP states that she was standing, her DS couldn't really have sat on her lap

Eh? Of course he could. She sits down and puts child on lap. Child has already been demonstrated to be portable in the op.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/04/2016 15:04

I don't understand this at all.

Why would you have a go at a person with a disability for asking you to move your able-bodied child so he could sit in a priority seat?

Isn't that the point of priority seats? Confused

Fairenuff · 02/04/2016 15:05

the MN response is always that children and their mothers should suffer on principle, and in fact should probably stand up even if the bus is empty

I've never seen anyone suggest that people should stand if the bus is empty.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 02/04/2016 15:06

My DS (3) has suspected asd and would absolutely refuse to sit on my lap. If I stand up then he will end up standing up and won't sit back down unless I sit down next to him.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:07

koala I didn't have a go, I pointed out that next time maybe not ask the most vulnerable looking person in the priority seats. Of course he's entitled to sit in them. It just seemed a little thoughtless on his side.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 02/04/2016 15:07

So you can't understand why a person with a hidden disability asked you about your DS rather than asking the other people in the seats who also could have had hidden disabilities? Really?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/04/2016 15:07

Movingon that makes no sense - for the child to sit on the OP's lap OP would need to take up a seat herself - the whole point is that her child was asked to vacate a seat (which is fair enough - first priority disabled people, second other vulnerable people such as pregnant women and small kids / parents with small kids on their laps).

The child sitting on his mothers lap would have not helped at all, as between the two of them they were taking up only one seat already - the seat would have been no more available if occupied by mother plus child than just the child. Confused

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:08

Just for clarity i wa not sitting down

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/04/2016 15:08

I wonder why the man asked that the 3yr old move, and not one of the other people. I would have thought it obvious that a 3yr old is safer sitting down than an adult. He really should have asked someone else to move.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:09

lala bŷ that logic Ds could have had a hidden disability too.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/04/2016 15:09

Of course it makes sense. You were picking at Bertie's point and I was pointing out how you were wrong.

But I have my suspicions based on your post your reading comprehension may not be brilliant so perhaps we should draw a line there.

KayTee87 · 02/04/2016 15:09

Don't you think he didn't want to ask the strange men for a seat in case he was confronted and thought he might ask the nice mother and child as it was easier for him?

TalkingintheDark · 02/04/2016 15:10

MovingOn where are you suggesting the OP should have sat, given there weren't any other seats?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/04/2016 15:11

Fairenuff clearly that was hyperbole - but the ironic nature of MN is that usually (when it comes to public transport and a few other topics) anyone posting in the role of mother will be Wrong. Almost as if it is a mad scramble to prove MN isn't automatically on the side of "Mums" by going as far as possible the other way.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 02/04/2016 15:11

My point is, does an adult with a hidden disability trump my small child who has asd? This isn't coming from an "entitled parent" btw before anyone starts.

NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 15:11

You was unreasonable to confront him but I get your reasoning.

Why did he ask a child to move who was safer sitting down rather than one of the other older people who could have moved?

Because your child was an easy victim

witsender · 02/04/2016 15:12

You and the aggressive other dad were very unreasonable. If he felt so strongly about it he should have offered your son his seat, not just blustered rudely.

witsender · 02/04/2016 15:12

'Victim'?

The OP could have said no.

BushyTailedPony · 02/04/2016 15:13

I think you are getting a hard time here as you did move for the man. And if the rest of the people weren't obviously in need of the seats then I can see why you asked the question as to pick the smallest passenger in the seats seems a bit unfair. Who knows your child might have been disabled too.

Shame none of the other people didn't move to help either. Lots of people just look the other way.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/04/2016 15:13

I'd have told you to fuck off if you had started to question me. He's disabled, he's entitled to ask for the seat. You can't behave like you did. My disabilty is visible but I still get judged by all and sundry and it's not nice. You need to wind your neck in.