To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

[YoJesse]

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

You were way out of line. Why didn't YOU approach one of the young able people if you felt they shouldn't be there.

Of course you were unreasonable. You got into a discussion why your perfectly able bodied ds shouldn't have to stand with a person with a disability? Did it even cross your mind that he might have asked your son as he was the least intimidating person there (as evidenced by the other guy swearing at him first)?

Ywbu. If it was an issue you should have said "sorry he needs a seat bevause he can't stand so would you mind asking one of the other's who may not need a seat?".

Wtf were you thinking tapping him on the shoulder and going into one after you had already moved your child without question?

What an unnecessary and undignified drama

He's 3 so he could have sat on your lap.

The dad with baby should have shut the fuck up too. I'm baffled as to why you think the only genuinely disabled person there should be the person getting a hard time.

Yes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to have to ask for a seat if you need one? People are often judgy and shitty and ignore you or refuse or look you up and down to judge if you're 'disabled enough'. Imagine how that feels, and then being 'confronted' by someone. And you can't know which, if any, of the young able bodied looking people actually were able bodied. There are many invisible disabilities. So whoever that man asked, he always risked displacing someone who needed the seat.

Yes, totally unreasonable. You should have asked if anyone else in a priority seat could give up a seat for your son rather than hassling a disabled person.

If you were that put out why not ask one of the other people in a priority seat if one could let your son sit down?

Once you had agreed, I would have left it. Shame one of the other passengers didn't offer. Assuming the man was disabled and would struggle to stand he was probably more entitled to the seat. You can pen little ones in and get them to hang on to you, although I agree they do struggle to stand so it makes your journey harder. When mine was little I would rather he sit than me.

I expect you're starting to feel the hot shame of embarrassment now op. But take it as a lesson learnt and move on. No point dwelling now.

Poor man

Yes you were massively unreasonable.

He was probably really uncomfortable in the first place to have to ask and then you made a complete show out of him.

It was for you to challenge the other apparently able bodied people in the seats if you felt your child needed it above them.

Yes. If you really didn't want your child to stand, then you could have said no when the man first asked. Then he could have asked one of the 'young, able looking people'. Once your son had moved, it's kind of too late to gripe.

bertie I was standing.

Wow unreasonable it is then! I think the Dad was inferring that because he had no obvious disabilities he was taking the piss. I am not of that frame of mind at all.

If you wanted one of the 'able looking' people to give your son a seat then you should have asked if anyone was able to stand for him, or if any of them could have him on the laps. You were VU, imo, to 'confront' a man who had told you he was disabled and needed the seat. Most people I know would rather stand uncomfortably than ask someone to move for them so I'd assume the man who asked you really did need the seat.

Completely unreasonable.

Why were you "of that frame of mind" with regards to everyone else in a priority seat then?

I have a hidden disability. You can't tell just by looking at me. But standing is horrendous for me and I would have cried if someone had "confronted" me. Feel free to take my disability if you want. It's hard enough being judged without being confronted.

Totally unreasonable.

Whenever I'm on public transport I always wonder where all these MN vigilante types are as I've never had the pleasure of witnessing a pram / wheelchair dispute or someone asking someone else to move. Seems I'm travelling to and from the wrong places.

groovee as I said in the op I was happy to give up the seat and wouldn't question someone on their hidden disability but just thought a small boy was an odd choice of person to ask to move.

pasta really all of them, seems highly unlikely.

You confronted a disabled man that asked for a priority seat?
This is why I don't feel comfortable asking for a seat on a packed train twice a day at 6 months pregnant.

I think you behaved dreadfully. Of course your 3 year old should sit on your lap in a crowded bus. And neither of you should sit in the disabled seats.

I think the Dad was inferring that because he had no obvious disabilities he was taking the piss. I am not of that frame of mind at all.

Why 'confront' him then? Don't you think it's embarassing enough for someone of that age to have to tell people that they need a seat without people making a drama out of it?