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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

622 replies

YoJesse · 02/04/2016 14:43

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

OP posts:
CloneMeNow · 02/04/2016 15:43

You just jumped on a bandwagon - you saw someone else abusing the man with a disability (the sweary dad) and felt emboldened to join in and be verbally aggressive to him too. That's despicable. And now you're trying to justify it to yourself by deciding it's his fault for not picking someone other than you/your son to ask. Even more despicable

DotForShort · 02/04/2016 15:43

YABU. I feel sorry for the man who was first sworn at by another passenger, then "confronted" by you. I can understand his anger TBH (though of course he shouldn't have sworn at you). He wasn't wrong to ask you to move your son. Why did he ask you? Who knows? Maybe he thought that you looked like a kind, reasonable person who wouldn't challenge him about his need for the seat.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/04/2016 15:45

Eh? Are you talking about making your child move for an adult, or vice versa?

I thought we were talking about asking for a seat for your three-year-old - I.e. Asking an adult to move. Maybe I have assumed you were saying something you weren't, following on from a PP.

SilverBirchWithout · 02/04/2016 15:45

I'd offer a parent with a young child a seat, as I would a pregnant woman, an elderly person or someone with a visible disability.

I'm surprised to hear that people wouldn't.

Pseudo341 · 02/04/2016 15:46

I'm going to go completely against the grain here and say YANBU. I am disabled, I'd be concerned about a young child trying to stand on a crowded moving bus and would have asked the adults sitting in the other seats to move rather than a young child. I think you'd have probably done better to be sitting in the seat yourself with your kid on your lap which then makes it obvious that an able bodied adult without a child on their lap is more able to stand than one with a child on their lap. There does seem to be this attitude that it's okay to treat kids as second class citizens. I'm disgusted none of the adults in priority seats offered to stand up instead.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:46

clone I wasn't verbally aggressive, I asked him politely and quietly to maybe consider that the other passengers appeared a more suitable candidate for moving. He was the one shouting and swearing at me.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 15:47

No I wouldn't make an adult move!

If there was no seats we would wait for the next bus (not a problem I have encounted yet) but I mean making a child move for an adult

Margay · 02/04/2016 15:47

Agree with PPs.

As an aside, please don't tap people on the shoulder - especially if they have an invisible disability. I have a chronic pain condition and a badly-aimed "tap" could send me through the roof.

Sirzy · 02/04/2016 15:48

You may not have been aggressive in hoe you said it, but what you said sounds very aggressive.

Again though you are asking people to judge based on appearance. You don't know what problems others may have had.

MLGs · 02/04/2016 15:48

I don't think you were as u as some people here have said, but the better thing would have been to ask one of the other able bodied young adults to move.

No point confronting the man who presumably did have a disability. He probably does hate having to ask as others have said.

That said I can't believe all these other adults had disabilities, and one of them should have stood up to let your son sit down when they heard what the Dad said.

I do agree that a three year old is more unsteady and less able to stand than an average adult. If it was a school aged child I would think they should stand.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/04/2016 15:49

He was the one shouting and swearing at me.

Nice bit of drip feeding! Hmm

MLGs · 02/04/2016 15:51

I also agree that it's not reasonable to tap people on the shoulder in general.

NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 15:51

She didn't drip feed. She said in her OP he got sweary and angry.

Autocorrect changed sweary to sweaty.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:51

Not drip feeding fairy. The op was meant to read sweary, not sweaty!

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 02/04/2016 15:52

drip feeding fairy? It was in the OP's first post.

GreatBritishBakeOff · 02/04/2016 15:54

Sorry op, you'll always get a flaming for assuming anyone doesn't have a 'hidden disability'. When it suits certain people on here, anyone and everyone could have one and so you'd always be U to ask anyone to move out of a priority seat.
I probably wouldn't have said anything, as I'm not the type to confront people in real life about it.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/04/2016 15:55

Exactly Silver - I'd offer a small child my seat because they cannot hold on as well as I can, and if the bus were to brake suddenly I'd stand a better chance of not going flying than a tiny child. I have tried standing on buses holding onto kids who are also standing and hope I never have to do it again (but I don't use public transport much and my kids are no longer tiny).

I'd expect my taller kids who can reach hand rails to give up seats to anyone less able to stand safely - including smaller kids as well as elderly, disabled, or pregnant adults. I would not remotely expect any child who could not reach a hand rail to give up their seat to a healthy young/ish adult who could who would be better able to stand safely and who did not ask them to - that is just ridiculous. Some people must be so desperate to look good to other people that they would rather their kid be put at risk than be thought to lack "Manners".

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:57

greatbritish nor am I .... At all. Think I'll stick to my usual nature in future!!

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 02/04/2016 15:57

I used to take my children on buses all the time, and swaying around and holding on for dear life is part of the fun!

It is not part of the fun when you are an adult who has poor balance/might have a seizure and if you fall, may really injure yourself.

In all my bus travels, I think children are least likely to be injured once over a certain age (i.e. when steady on their feet) and elderly people or those with disabilities the most.

I absolutely wouldn't expect anyone to give my three year old a seat, but if they did, I'd say thanks.

I think challenging this man, when he'd just been sworn at by this other man, is absolutely despicable. Two members of the public challenging his right to sit down in the priority/disabled seat. Absolutely awful!

One of my close relatives has a (fairly) hidden disability but could massively injure themselves if not seated quickly in an emergency and they were told to te;; people on the bus/train they had a disability and politely ask to sit down in the priority seats. Now I know what they are up against.

MinecraftyMum · 02/04/2016 15:57

Sounds like an old school guy who probably felt that children should stand before adults.

I can imagine my dad doing the same. My dad is disabled and would never ask another adult to stand for him out of pride. He is happy enough to turf my kids out of their seats though because he finds it less humiliating than asking another adult for their much needed seat.

I think YWBVU and mean.

lalalalyra · 02/04/2016 15:58

Look at the reaction of the Dad with the baby - that is why the man felt that asking you about your DS was a better option than asking the other people in the seats to move.

If you are going to confront anyone then it should be the able bodied people who make life so awkward and difficult for people who don't 'look' disabled.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 16:00

That's actually a really good point minecrafty I think men especially feeling humiliated asking. I really never meant to be mean and I don't think he could of taken it that way. Just to stand up for myself.

OP posts:
TaraCarter · 02/04/2016 16:02

FloggingMolly I witness people offering seat to children aged from 3-6 on a regular basis, on buses and on trains.

Now I've clarified that, could you just confirm how tall you think three year olds are?

KoalaDownUnder · 02/04/2016 16:03

As a healthy adult, I would offer my seat to someone wobbling around with a young child. Although I would hope they'd clear the aisle a bit by sitting down and putting the child in their lap.

However, I don't think this should necessarily be expected. A lot of adults may be very tired or uncomfortable themselves, and be desperately relieved to have a seat.

Sirzy · 02/04/2016 16:06

But you were standing up to the wrong person. He was well within his rights to ask to use a priority seat so didn't need standing up to. Can you really not see how telling someone he shouldn't have asked you to move was rude?