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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'confront' this man when he asked for the priority seat on the bus

622 replies

YoJesse · 02/04/2016 14:43

Me and Ds 3 were on a really packed bus, no seats left at all. I was standing and Ds was on one of the priority seats. The other 7 priority seats were taken up with what looked like young able bodied people and on Dad with a baby.

A man 50ish gets on, walks past all the other seats and says to me 'I'm disabled, can you move your son?' I got Ds up without questioning it but then I heard the Dad with the baby say to the man 'fucking hell, seriously mate?' This got me thinking that maybe it was a bit unfair so I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'as you can see I'm happy to give up the seat for you but as you can see there are lots of young, able looking people on the other priority seats, don't you think you should of asked them not my son?' He then goes off on one say ' I'm disabled, your son should be sitting in here in the first place etc' so I said that he is less able to stand on a moving bus than most other people so maybe he is entitled to the seat. The man got all sweaty and angry and I felt really uncomfortable so I got off.

Was I unreasonable to confront him?

OP posts:
EveryoneElsie · 02/04/2016 15:25

Then just give him the seat without making a huge song and dance about it!

I dont see you posting that none of the able bodied people offfered your son a seat.

You clearly think you are being completely reasonable. So why bother posting to ask?

KoalaDownUnder · 02/04/2016 15:25

Yes, I have travelled on a bus standing, and with young children. You shield them with your body and tell them to hang on.

Honestly, I think it's a bit much to expect adults to stand for your healthy child, unless they're actually a baby-in-arms.

Judydreamsofhorses · 02/04/2016 15:26

Here parents don't pay for kids under five on the bus. Most parents would shift a child for a passenger who has paid for a seat without being asked, regardless of age/disability etc.

honeyroar · 02/04/2016 15:26

Id have made my 3yr old stand up for a non disabled adult anyway. I was always taught to do that as a child. It's just respectful. As an able bodied adult if a child offered me their seat I would say no, but I would thank them and think they were well brought up.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 02/04/2016 15:26

Of course flogging, many times. You would be welcome to point and laugh as there would be another person offering the seat so it would not matter.

Floggingmolly · 02/04/2016 15:26

You hold the handrail and hold their hand. There's no magic to it.

NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 15:28

It is safer for a child to sit.

The amount of times I've almost gone flying on a bus despite holding on. I whacked my head on a pole once where the bus braked that hard.

I was ok but a bit bruised. A child would have gone flying and could have seriously injured themselves.

So yes I would rather my child sat than an adult.

Just because my daughter is 3 does not mean she's a second class citizens. She has a right to safety just as much as an adult.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/04/2016 15:29

Floggingmolly - it's not that magical. Holding on to something that is itself unstable is not a good plan.

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:30

I'm not going to be one of those twats who come on AIBU and doesn't accept the answer they're given so (gavel sounding) mumsnet jury say AIBU..... There's my answer [grins].

If any such an odd situation occurs in the future I will quietly seeth that he's picked another potentially vulnerable person to give up the seat over many seemingly able bodied people but I will not say a word.

FWIW I'm really not an entitled bitch and am always the first person to fold up buggies and offer seats when I'm in a position to.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/04/2016 15:32

Yet again yo you are commenting on your sons vulnerability and trying to judge the able bodiedness of others at the same time. They may well be disabled you don't know.

And if your so sure one of them should have moved why didn't you ask them? Why did you instead have a go at the one person in this situation we knew needed the seats?

Floggingmolly · 02/04/2016 15:33

She gets to sit in a seat if there's one available, Needs. You don't get to turf someone who got there first out of their seat because her right trumps theirs.
When did this madness start, anyway?

When I was a kid there was no question of a child remaining in a seat if there weren't enough seats for all adults. You didn't even think about it.
Manners seem to be going out of fashion.

alltouchedout · 02/04/2016 15:33

I get 4 buses and two trams every day at peak times. Allow me to laugh at the belief that there is room for me to reliably hold a handrail whilst holding a small child securely with the other hand, or indeed that this would be sufficlient to stop said small child lurching around and banging into other passengers in any case. Other passengers probably prefer that small children are seated safely and not causing that sort of problem. Although some probably are self centred enough to think that as long as they have a seat themselves, everyone else's comfort and safety can go hang.

alltouchedout · 02/04/2016 15:34

*sufficient

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:35

sirzy because I absolutly hate confrontation and this was so unlike me to speak up! especially in public I felt horrible when he started swearing at us and just got off the bus.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/04/2016 15:36

When I had kids in buggies I often had to wait for the next bus along if the buggy space was occupied. If you are adamant your kid must have a seat you really need to be doing the same thing if there aren't any seats available, rather than asking other commuters to stand up.

ouryve · 02/04/2016 15:37

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CloneMeNow · 02/04/2016 15:37

Of course I'd sit my son on the only available seat till it was needed by someone else more in need of it.

Well, that's what happened. Only you didn't do that, you were rude and made the man with a disability feel bad.

Why didn't you ask one of the 'non-disabled' people in the priority seats to get up for your son after you rightly gave up the seat for someone eiwth a disability? If 'just asking' is so easy for a disabled person to do, why didn't you do it yourself? Or any of the other seats on the bus? Why is it just the man with a disability who is expected to find somewhere else to sit, other than the seat your son is in fact wrongfully occupying?

NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 15:37

Look I'm not one of those parents who believes their child trumps everyone else's rights.

My children are expected to behave in public and are not allowed to run around in shops etc.

But I still believe they have a right to a seat even if an adult doesn't have one. UNLESS the adult desperately needs one, for example looks unwell or disabled. I would not move my children just because they are expected to bow to the whims of all adults.

I can barely support myself standing up let alone with two kids.

caroldecker · 02/04/2016 15:37

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KoalaDownUnder · 02/04/2016 15:38

Need, don't be so dramatic.

I am sure you would rather she sat. Probably so would the parents of clumsy 5-year-olds, and 10-year-olds complaining of sore feet. Where do you draw the line?

TheFairyCaravan · 02/04/2016 15:38

Have you ever seen anyone leap up to give their seat to a three year old

DS1 (21) went skiing in Austria recently. The bus from the resort to the slopes would get packed, he'd usually have a seat because he was one of the first ones on. He and his mate often gave their seats to young children. One morning two small children were having a terrible job standing up, so at the next stop, DS1 got up and told the parents in German that the seats were for the children. He was bloody gobsmacked when they sat down and left him and his mate holding on to the kids for the rest of the journey! Shock

Original poster
YoJesse · 02/04/2016 15:40

If we got on and there were no seats available I wouldn't ask for one for him but then every time this has happend someone has offered a seat as I think it's just the done thing if you see a toddler standing.

I'd always give my seat up for a buggy less toddler rather than watch them trying to stand.

OP posts:
KayTee87 · 02/04/2016 15:40

Maybe the disabled guy hates confrontation too and thought he would encounter less by asking a child to move rather than another man... If he doesn't have any experience with small children he might not know how unsteady they can be so therefore might not have seen any problem with him standing.
Whether or not he should have asked someone else is not the point if you weren't willing to either. It wasn't reasonable for you to confront him and that was your original question.

NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 15:41

I'm not being dramatic but this:-

I am sure you would rather she sat. Probably so would the parents of clumsy 5-year-olds, and 10-year-olds complaining of sore feet. Where do you draw the line?

Proves my point. When is it acceptable to make your kid move for another adult. When do you draw the line? When the child turns round and says no?

ClarenceTheLion · 02/04/2016 15:42

Is there some kind of race on MN to be one of the first to jump on an AIBU thread with 'YES, YOU WERE VU, AND YOU'RE ALSO A TERRIBLE PERSON IN GENERAL.' (And yes, literal types, I do realize that nobody used those exact words...) Is it the MN equivalent of saying 'First' on a YT video?

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