To never lend SIL money again

[TrixieBlue2016]

First thing yesterday morning DH got a call from SIL saying she had lost her purse when out the night/3am before and could he lend her some money to tide her over until she gets new bank cards. She needed £250 (food, new shoes for her DS and petrol). DH agrees and goes to the ATM and dropped it round.

SIL has recently been in trouble at work and thought she might lose she job. SIL texted DH and me to say she was really upset so couldn't talk but was fired and won't get any notice so won't get paid. SIL asked DH for money to cover her rent and bills until she gets benefits. DH again agrees.

We are friends on Facebook. SIL was posting photos of going out for lunch and then dinner with her friends. It was clear they were drinking as the post after dinner were a bit off. Fair enough being fired is shit.

Looking at Facebook this morning DH saw her posted that including slagging off DH as gullible. DH called she and SIL told him that she hadn't lost her cards and wasn't made redundant. DH asked for all the money back. SIL has spent it on going out and new clothes for her (and not anything for her DS). All the clothes were in their bags unworn and tagged so DH took all the bags when he left. SIL was angry he did this.

Luckily the bags had the receipts and the stuff was paid in cash. So DH intends to take everything back.

SIL is now texting me saying it was an April fool and a joke and has told MIL that DH came to her house a took her things (not anything about the money).

I have suggested we no longer lend her money ever again. SIL has borrowed and paid back money a number of times before. She was terrible credit so wont be able to get a loan or credit card and doesnt budget properly. AWBU to say to tell never again to lending money.

You can coexist without appeasing. There's no need to pay them off. Simply for safety's sake I think he's right on the car insurance, but he must still cancel it (after a few weeks notice.)

I think your dh is going to need not just your excellent support but perhaps some professional help as well. They found appalling.

I used to work with someone who earned about 30k but was expected to send every spare penny back to relatives in Pakistan so they didn't need to work. These were impoverished or sick rellies, they were qualified dentists etc. Some people are just lazy fuckers.

I think your DH is doing amazingly well, all things considered. I think it's unrealistic to expect him to be in a going NC place straight away - cancelling the direct debits is a great start. I think he'll get there soon and I suspect that seeing their reaction will speed that along considerably.

They've taken money from his own child's future.
It's awful that he gave up his own dreams to support them and his sister has pissed all over it.

Paying luxeries like sky for someone else is baffling to me.

"Why does he feel guilty?!"
Because he's been trained from a vulnerable age to see himself as responsible for his mother and sister . I fucking hate parents that do this to their children, they are scum.

OP, this is a very difficult thing for your DH to deal with. Please try to bolster him with as much information as you can on FOG, and I really think a professional could help hime with this too. It is a lot to deal with, realising how you've been treated so badly by the very people you should be able to trust the most. Best wishes.

I coexist with my almost-NC ILs in a tiny village. It's been surprisingly ok.

Your ILs sound bonkers and it's only with some distance that your husband will realise how manipulative they are. How much would he actually have to do for them before they classed it as 'anything', I wonder? In my husband's case he was running the family business, working 60 hour weeks, to pay for their lifestyles while they didn't come into work. He'd often not be able to pay himself but paid them their wages out of a sense of duty. When he suddenly stopped doing this after realising the error of his ways, they told the whole village he'd destroyed their business. It was actually unbelievable.

I came back to this thread expecting an update along the lines of SIL apologised, but we won't be lending her any more money.

Wow. Just wow.

He could read Toxic Parents (I know it's just his mum). It's often recommended on here, as is Toxic In-laws. Can't remember who they're by right now, but will wander off to find a link.