To never lend SIL money again

[TrixieBlue2016]

First thing yesterday morning DH got a call from SIL saying she had lost her purse when out the night/3am before and could he lend her some money to tide her over until she gets new bank cards. She needed £250 (food, new shoes for her DS and petrol). DH agrees and goes to the ATM and dropped it round.

SIL has recently been in trouble at work and thought she might lose she job. SIL texted DH and me to say she was really upset so couldn't talk but was fired and won't get any notice so won't get paid. SIL asked DH for money to cover her rent and bills until she gets benefits. DH again agrees.

We are friends on Facebook. SIL was posting photos of going out for lunch and then dinner with her friends. It was clear they were drinking as the post after dinner were a bit off. Fair enough being fired is shit.

Looking at Facebook this morning DH saw her posted that including slagging off DH as gullible. DH called she and SIL told him that she hadn't lost her cards and wasn't made redundant. DH asked for all the money back. SIL has spent it on going out and new clothes for her (and not anything for her DS). All the clothes were in their bags unworn and tagged so DH took all the bags when he left. SIL was angry he did this.

Luckily the bags had the receipts and the stuff was paid in cash. So DH intends to take everything back.

SIL is now texting me saying it was an April fool and a joke and has told MIL that DH came to her house a took her things (not anything about the money).

I have suggested we no longer lend her money ever again. SIL has borrowed and paid back money a number of times before. She was terrible credit so wont be able to get a loan or credit card and doesnt budget properly. AWBU to say to tell never again to lending money.

[BoatyMcBoat]

He could read Toxic Parents (I know it's just his mum). It's often recommended on here, as is Toxic In-laws. Can't remember who they're by right now, but will wander off to find a link.

[redexpat]

I came back to this thread expecting an update along the lines of SIL apologised, but we won't be lending her any more money.

Wow. Just wow.

[LeanneBattersby]

I coexist with my almost-NC ILs in a tiny village. It's been surprisingly ok.

Your ILs sound bonkers and it's only with some distance that your husband will realise how manipulative they are. How much would he actually have to do for them before they classed it as 'anything', I wonder? In my husband's case he was running the family business, working 60 hour weeks, to pay for their lifestyles while they didn't come into work. He'd often not be able to pay himself but paid them their wages out of a sense of duty. When he suddenly stopped doing this after realising the error of his ways, they told the whole village he'd destroyed their business. It was actually unbelievable.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Why does he feel guilty?!"
Because he's been trained from a vulnerable age to see himself as responsible for his mother and sister . I fucking hate parents that do this to their children, they are scum.

OP, this is a very difficult thing for your DH to deal with. Please try to bolster him with as much information as you can on FOG, and I really think a professional could help hime with this too. It is a lot to deal with, realising how you've been treated so badly by the very people you should be able to trust the most. Best wishes.

[jay55]

They've taken money from his own child's future.
It's awful that he gave up his own dreams to support them and his sister has pissed all over it.

Paying luxeries like sky for someone else is baffling to me.

[notinagreatplace]

I think your DH is doing amazingly well, all things considered. I think it's unrealistic to expect him to be in a going NC place straight away - cancelling the direct debits is a great start. I think he'll get there soon and I suspect that seeing their reaction will speed that along considerably.

[Zaurak]

You can coexist without appeasing. There's no need to pay them off. Simply for safety's sake I think he's right on the car insurance, but he must still cancel it (after a few weeks notice.)

I think your dh is going to need not just your excellent support but perhaps some professional help as well. They found appalling.

I used to work with someone who earned about 30k but was expected to send every spare penny back to relatives in Pakistan so they didn't need to work. These were impoverished or sick rellies, they were qualified dentists etc. Some people are just lazy fuckers.

[TrixieBlue2016]

In a way I understand what DH has been doing. I had to pay off my parents to leave me alone.

Thankfully I had sold some tech coding which made me a lump of money before I changed my name and moved away. I was able to effectively buy out of my family. As I have a new name and have changed my hair colour, body shape and my braces have changed by face shape, I don't need to worry having my family contact me. I could walk past them in the street without then recognising me. DH doesn't have that luxury.

We will need to be able to coexist with them as we live in the same city.

[NeedACleverNN]

I've read this with that look on my face!

Even my dh is in shock

I'm sorry this has all happened but it's time your mil stops sponging off her son.

Parents should care for their children not the other way

[Fedup21]

What exactly has he cancelled of theirs?

I can't believe people would be so horrible to him when he's quite literally supporting their lifestyle?! Are there no other men on the scene?

[Dragongirl10]

Trixie....l am so sorry for you and your DH... you sound like lovely people.

Please listen to everyone on MN... your lovely kind DH has been treated appallingly by these vile people...family or not.

Neither of you deserve this, do not doubt yourself or take on board any of the vitriol spouted by either DM or SIL...this is not normal on any level...they are the worst type of scroungers.

Go NC if you can.

Wishing you a much happier future without them.

[rollonthesummer]

Why does he feel guilty?!

I suspect if that's how he feels, they will be able to continue to manipulate him and use him as their cash cow :
He needs to feel angry.

[RuthyToothy]

Dont think it'll be finished.

No danger of that. I very much doubt that all involved will see the error of their ways and this thread will subsequently fizzle out without the OP and her DH suffering further incidents of jaw-dropping entitlement.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Why on earth does he feel guilty?.

They deceived him to pay for her night out.
His mum ruthlessly exploited him so she didn't have to work.
Sil mocked him on fb for being so trusting because she knows she can manipulate him.
His mum hit him. She actually hit another adult.

[wallywobbles]

Dont think it'll be finished. Please make sure he gets help and does loads of reading around the subject. Can you take charge of communication for the next couple of months. Presumably you are going to survive being demonized. In for a penny in for a pound.

[TrixieBlue2016]

The 10% savings is for the family savings account. DH wants to build a hut/shed type thing at the bottom of the garden sound proofed for his band. He is a drummer.

DH has decided not to cancel the car insurance but intends to after emailing MIL and SIL to let them know so they can organise some. For everything else he has cancelled them as most need 30 days notice. If it was me I would have cancelled it without telling them and then reported them to the police for having no insurance. I am aware I react in an extreme way to this sort of thing, I am a one and done type of person. You hurt me and mine once I go nuclear. I know this is unreasonable.

DH has about £1000 left each month to pay for his car, gym, clothes, hobbies and what every he likes. That's why I thought he was saving for the 'manshed'.

He doesn't want to go NC and hasn't reported MIL to the police. He feels guilty about what has happened. I do to, for how upset DH is. I must admit pushing DH to stand up to them. We spent most of Saturday night discussing his family comparing them to mine and what if I did it to DSS.

[RuthyToothy]

Wow that did escalate fast.

Indeed.


Just how luxurious was this 'manshed' that you thought your DH was saving for, that approx 10% of his salary was disappearing to fund it each month?

[Collaborate]

Make sure that there's nothing in his name. There's one thing paying their bills (which can easily be stopped) - another thing entirely making it his bills.

[coconutpie]

Bloody hell. DH should report her to the police and sell the house. Let those two stand on their own two feet for a change.

[CoraPirbright]

Does your SIL work? What about her childs father - where is he in all this and why isn't he contributing to new shoes?

Its going to be a real shocker when they realise just what the SIL's so called 'joke' has cost them in real terms. When the car insurance is cancelled, I wonder if they will cover the cars themselves or just drive without insurance...

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Make sure he cancels all the dds while he's still angry. It's high time for mil and sil to be self sufficient.

[OzzieFem]

What a shock that must have been for your husband, being slapped after everything he has done for his mother and sister in the past. Sadly it just goes to show how abused he has unknowingly been over the years.

[SheHasAWildHeart]

Are you ok OP?

[rollonthesummer]

Has he cancelled their sky/car insurance etc?

[SquinkiesRule]

Wow that did escalate fast.
SIL will soon realize how much help Dh has been once she has to cover all her own bills.