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AIBU?

To never lend SIL money again

157 replies

TrixieBlue2016 · 02/04/2016 12:56

First thing yesterday morning DH got a call from SIL saying she had lost her purse when out the night/3am before and could he lend her some money to tide her over until she gets new bank cards. She needed £250 (food, new shoes for her DS and petrol). DH agrees and goes to the ATM and dropped it round.

SIL has recently been in trouble at work and thought she might lose she job. SIL texted DH and me to say she was really upset so couldn't talk but was fired and won't get any notice so won't get paid. SIL asked DH for money to cover her rent and bills until she gets benefits. DH again agrees.

We are friends on Facebook. SIL was posting photos of going out for lunch and then dinner with her friends. It was clear they were drinking as the post after dinner were a bit off. Fair enough being fired is shit.

Looking at Facebook this morning DH saw her posted that including slagging off DH as gullible. DH called she and SIL told him that she hadn't lost her cards and wasn't made redundant. DH asked for all the money back. SIL has spent it on going out and new clothes for her (and not anything for her DS). All the clothes were in their bags unworn and tagged so DH took all the bags when he left. SIL was angry he did this.

Luckily the bags had the receipts and the stuff was paid in cash. So DH intends to take everything back.

SIL is now texting me saying it was an April fool and a joke and has told MIL that DH came to her house a took her things (not anything about the money).

I have suggested we no longer lend her money ever again. SIL has borrowed and paid back money a number of times before. She was terrible credit so wont be able to get a loan or credit card and doesnt budget properly. AWBU to say to tell never again to lending money.

OP posts:

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DinosaursRoar · 02/04/2016 14:15

oh well, if it's a joke - be sure to "not fall for it" again - so if she asks for money - "ha ha, remember last time? It was a joke that she needed money, don't fall for it again, it'll be a joke again. Remember, SIL, you thought it was hilarious, and it was, and we won't be falling for it ever again. No no, you stop pretending, you will never get us to fall for one of your jokes again and so won't get a penny out of us, however hilariously detailed your sob story is." [big smile that doesn't reach your eyes]

Seriously, make your DH agree no more money for SIL. If it was a joke, she'd have given him the money back. It wasn't, it was an attempt to extract money from him.

Wolpertinger · 02/04/2016 14:18

Er no, your teenage DH-to-be should not have ever thought he had to take responsibility for his adult mother and younger sister. He should have been busy being a teenager himself.

And a joke is only funny if everyone is laughing.

It's lovely that he is a responisble, reliable adult, it's taking the piss that the other 2 can't do the same for themselves.

herecomethepotatoes · 02/04/2016 14:21

It isn't a joke. It's really bloody weird and your and your husband should never lend her money again.

rollonthesummer · 02/04/2016 14:21

What was supposed to be the joke? Saying she's lost her card? Saying she'd lost her job/house?

How can you mil justify that her daughter is so broke she's asked you for £800 (£800????!) yet has been on a clothes spending spree?

They both sound utterly toxic.

Can you afford to lend them that much?

Greyponcho · 02/04/2016 14:23

She's a piss taker. YANBU

bloodyteenagers · 02/04/2016 14:27

Well a joke doesn't explain all the shopping he took. The stuff she 'joked' about.

TrixieBlue2016 · 02/04/2016 14:32

DH is 33 and SIL is 21. She has a 3 year old. MIL has never worked. DH had to leave school at 16 to get a job to support them. He has worked very hard and now has a great job on good money. I work in tech so also earn well.

I have spoken to DH about his family before, about how they are adults who should support themselves. MIL lives in a house DH paid most of the mortgage on.

OP posts:

AdrenalineFudge · 02/04/2016 14:33

That sounds utterly mad. I can't begin to wonder what possessed her to play such a 'joke'. Don't lend her money ever again.

rollonthesummer · 02/04/2016 14:34

Where does SIL live-does she have a partner?

TrixieBlue2016 · 02/04/2016 14:35

He took the shopping as she was laughing at him about all the clothes he had bought her. He did it out of anger. He isnt the type of man who losses his cool or temper and he said he lost both.

OP posts:

Damselindestress · 02/04/2016 14:35

I feel sorry for your DH. When his father left, his mother should have been looking after him not the other way around. She was the adult in that situation. And it sounds like she enables her daughter's disgusting, entitled behaviour. Refusing to lend your SIL any more money is the least you and your DH should do! I would consider NC but I know that has to be your DH's decision and it will be difficult for him. He could consider counselling to help him establish healthy boundaries with his family. His sister isn't the little girl he had to look after anymore, she's an adult who makes her own decisions and has to live with the consequences. Conning people out of money under false pretenses isn't a joke, it's a crime. It's clear she doesn't see him as a loving brother but as a meal ticket and that she mistakes his generosity for gullibility.

thecatfromjapan · 02/04/2016 14:35

Oh dear, again.

Your dh sounds uber-responsible. I really think that it's time for him to start pulling away, though.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/04/2016 14:37

Fuck me your MIL is a user . Leeching off a 16 year old .

Start looking into FOG - Fear-Obligation-Guilt. Something tells me you'll find it very familiar.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/04/2016 14:42

Bloody hell you could have had a second home if he hadn't bought mil a house.

Their both adults, albeit piss poor examples of adults and it's about time they learned to wipe their own bottoms.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 02/04/2016 14:45

So does your dh continue to make her mortgage repayments each month?

She's never worked! .

Your dh has been done up like a kipper and will continue to be treated as such as he knows nothing else.

His Parent and Sister are leeches.

BoatyMcBoat · 02/04/2016 14:50

You need him to stop. He needs to stop. Stop.

Lweji · 02/04/2016 14:50

I hope your OH inherits the house.

thecatfromjapan · 02/04/2016 14:51

To be fair, there are many cultures where providing for the mother, and young sister, would be expected/admirable.

Nevertheless, I think this incident - and the subsequent response - suggest it has all gone too far, and is off-kilter. Sounds like your dh has begun to realise this too.

Concentrate on disengaging/disentangling a bit. Use it to remind yourselves it's time to go forwards.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 02/04/2016 15:00

Right - how much money did he actually manage to get back? She owes the rest of it. And because of it, I think your DH will find it hard but he should never ever lend money again to either mother or sister. This twisted family dynamic has to stop oversize this will be your lives for the rest of your lives. Your SIL needs to learn to stand on her own feet without her brother to rip the piss out of. Your MIL - whose house is the name in? I would not be making any further payments to the house or bills. This unhealthy relationship has to stop before it affects the grandchildren (niece or your own children if you have them).

And start reading Stately Homes. It might help your DH with FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) No teenaged boy should be held responsible for the family. We're no longer in Dickens times.

rollonthesummer · 02/04/2016 15:13

Does your DH still pay for his mothers house?

Who owns it? Who will inherit it? How old is his mum?

I honestly can't believe anyone would just hand over so much money-you need to have a long chat!

EveryoneElsie · 02/04/2016 15:15

Print screen shot, straight to the police station, do her for fraud.
If not, small claims court.
Then go NC.

gamerchick · 02/04/2016 15:22

Does he still pay for the house? There is one way to make her shut her cake hole.

Your husband is too nice. I would have had that cord cut a long time ago.

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/04/2016 15:27

MIL still thinks DH is being unreasonable as it was a joke

Actually I doubt MIL feels like that at all - more likely her only regret is that the gravy train's being made to wobble a bit on its rails

I imagine you know perfectly well that the only way of stopping this is to cease bailing them both out; I'm equally sure you know that any such decision will result in utter hysterics from these leeches, together with oscar-worthy performances of desperation

How likely is it that your DH would be able to make that decision and stick with it?

ClarenceTheLion · 02/04/2016 15:35

Send her a text telling her to never ask either of you for money again. And let her and her MIL cluck about that for as long as they like, but don't feed into their drama.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 02/04/2016 15:52

Your response on the next request for money - "Oh ha ha, very funny joke! No."

I hope you and your Dh have had a very frank discussion about this. He is not a gravy train.
Sadly I fear this has gone on too long and neither your Mil nor Sil are going to react in a mature fashion if your Dh stays firm. Be prepared.

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