To never lend SIL money again

[TrixieBlue2016]

First thing yesterday morning DH got a call from SIL saying she had lost her purse when out the night/3am before and could he lend her some money to tide her over until she gets new bank cards. She needed £250 (food, new shoes for her DS and petrol). DH agrees and goes to the ATM and dropped it round.

SIL has recently been in trouble at work and thought she might lose she job. SIL texted DH and me to say she was really upset so couldn't talk but was fired and won't get any notice so won't get paid. SIL asked DH for money to cover her rent and bills until she gets benefits. DH again agrees.

We are friends on Facebook. SIL was posting photos of going out for lunch and then dinner with her friends. It was clear they were drinking as the post after dinner were a bit off. Fair enough being fired is shit.

Looking at Facebook this morning DH saw her posted that including slagging off DH as gullible. DH called she and SIL told him that she hadn't lost her cards and wasn't made redundant. DH asked for all the money back. SIL has spent it on going out and new clothes for her (and not anything for her DS). All the clothes were in their bags unworn and tagged so DH took all the bags when he left. SIL was angry he did this.

Luckily the bags had the receipts and the stuff was paid in cash. So DH intends to take everything back.

SIL is now texting me saying it was an April fool and a joke and has told MIL that DH came to her house a took her things (not anything about the money).

I have suggested we no longer lend her money ever again. SIL has borrowed and paid back money a number of times before. She was terrible credit so wont be able to get a loan or credit card and doesnt budget properly. AWBU to say to tell never again to lending money.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

If it had been an April Fools joke she would have returned the £800 immediately. Tell SIL that and say you'll expect the rest of the money back tonight. If she doesn't pay it back, it wasn't an April Fool, it was theft.

And absolutely never, ever lend her money again. It would be doing her a kindness as she'll never learn to manage her money whilst she can rely on your DH to bail her out. Don't lend to your MIL either as the money will probably find its way to SIL anyway.

[incywincybitofa]

Your poor DH must be very hurt.

YANBU to never lend her money again, but I have a feeling if he is that soft hearted he probably will. How would you feel about that?

Your MIL sounds a peach. She might think she is being a good mother in supporting her daughter, but she is being awful to your DH. I can understand the house thing I really can, but this isn't the same as providing for the family and it wasn't a joke. She should be livid that her daughter bit the hand that feeds them, not because of the financial impact but because of the ingratitude and disrespect

[TrixieBlue2016]

The house is paid off, it was a former council house under right to buy. It is now in DH's name. I helped with sorting the paperwork when we got married.

DH is reading up on FOG and he is starting to open his eyes. This sounds terrible but because we have the money helping out his family seemed to be the thing to do.

I always have looked upon DH's relationship with MIL and SIL are close loving compared to my family. But just because someone isn't physically hurting you or isolating you doesn't mean it isn't abusive if you see what I mean.

We have DSS (his DM is dead), we would never do something like that to him.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I think your dh is the family cash cow. I hope you find a way to stop it and establish firm boundaries.

[SquinkiesRule]

I hope your Dh has returned all the stuff Trixie. They sound like a nightmare. Firm boundaries and never had over money to them again. She has overstepped the line once too often I think.

[Pancakeflipper]

I get your DH and the numbers to support and assist them.
Tell him that in future they get £5.00 and a bag of essentials from the supermarket for SIL's daughter to get them through.

[grapejuicerocks]

You would be a fool to lend more. Not only did she get the last lot by lying but she then rubbed his nose in it. Just laugh at any more requests and reply lightly "you really are joking after the last stunt you pulled" followed by another tinkly laugh.

If you really must, then the pp's suggestion above, of a bag of food essentials for the dd, is the furthest you must go. Perhaps shoes if you see fit but take her and buy them for her. No more cash whatsoever.

[BoboBunnyH0p]

Yanbu. Your DH sounds like a lovely caring person but SIL has definitely overstepped the mark and so has MIL by taking her daughters side. They have both been disrespectful.

[expatinscotland]

WTAF?! NO more loans. EVER. I'd say nothing, but when she asks, I'd say no. Didn't find your 'joke' funny. You made me feel stupid and used go find money somewhere else.

FOG. Please get him to understand how badly he's been used.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

This sounds terrible but because we have the money helping out his family seemed to be the thing to do

It doesn't sound terrible at all - lots of families do this, and I'm sure i works just fine for them. Of course, lots of families don't effectively spit in the giver's face and laugh at them ...

Am I understanding correctly that "their" house is actually in your DH's name? If so, that was a very wise thing to do - hopefully to be shortly followed by another wise move, a major cutting-off of cash

As everyone's said, though, be prepared for hysterics ... they won't give up their cash cow easily

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"This sounds terrible but because we have the money helping out his family seemed to be the thing to do."
And it would be the thing to do, were his mum and sister 'normal' rather than completely toxic parasites.

And IMO, although it was his sister causing him grief this time, ultimately it is his mother's doing. SIL was only a toddler when his mother put him under this pressure, and SIL has been trained from childhood by her mother to look on your DH as a source of funds. You need to hold them both at arm's length, not just SIL.

[Skiptonlass]

Well at least the house is in dhs name
No more money. Not a penny. I would help out my family to my last penny they needed it because they are decent and they'd do the same for us ( in fact we almost lent 10k to sil last year in an emergency that was thankfully averted.)

But to someone who leeches, steals and laughs in your face? Not a penny. You both need to put some serious boundaries down here.

and maybe remind mil who owns her home?

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

MIL defended his sister or pretended to because to do otherwise would have risked any help going to her would be cut off as well.

He's been generous and dutiful and in return they've played him for a fool.

I truly hope the scales have fallen from his eyes after this.



"and maybe remind mil who owns her home?"

I'd be minded to go much further than that and warn her that you intend to sell it. She needs to make her own arrangements from now on. Sink or swim. Even if I had absolutely no intention of doing it.

[MyAmDeryCross]

Poor you and DH. I have a nice H too and he would have done the same. SIL and MIL sound awful. Pleased house is in his name at least and he has you to make him see sense.

Can you put a post on Facebook in response to her "joke" asking her to pay the money back immediately so everyone knows what an unfunny bitch she is is? If not give her notice of action at small claims court.

And as pp said, treat any further requests for loans as a joke.

[TrixieBlue2016]

DH has been texted by SIL, saying sorry you didn't get the joke that she would give back the rest of the money expect she needs to by DS shoes. Also that she and DS are looking forward to dinner tomorrow. SIL, DN and MIL are ment to be coming for dinner tomorrow.

DH doesn't want SIL and MIL over tomorrow so texed back that dinner was off. SIL then texted me to ask why I was starting. Like it's my fault. SIL has now said no dinner =no money.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Perhaps your DH should point out that no money=court proceedings.

[Lweji]

Well, no money no shopping.
A normal person would have apologised for the joke and offered to return the money immediately.
Stay strong. I'm impressed at how firm your OH is being. I'm sure he doesn't care particularly about the money, so it seems she's on a path to make him angrier.

[rollonthesummer]

What?!

[BustingOut]

It's confirmation of that old saying "you can choose your friends but not your family"

[tiredvommachine]

[MrsKoala]

Do they both live in your DH's house? If so i'd be saying no money back = rent due for the current market rate on the 1st of every month.

She sounds so awful, what must she be teaching her child?

Don't have them over tomorrow, don't respond to their texts. They are going to throw everything and the kitchen sink at you both now, just like toddlers. Stay firm and ignore them.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Right, you're going to get a lot of manipulation in the next few weeks.

Take back what you can to the shops.

Write the rest off. Galling, but less hassle long term.

NEVER GIVE MONEY AGAIN. TEA AND SYMPATHY FROM NOW ON. AND NOT THE TWININGS & FOIL WRAPPED CHOCCY BISCUITS. SMART PRICE TEA AND BISCUITS.

It's her child, her problem. He is your dh and has his own kids, these two are little financial vampires.

Go out tomorrow, have a nice lunch with your actual Dc & have fun.

[TrixieBlue2016]

Radical it is bollocks, that someones sibling can be such a bitch. That you can repay all the good things that someone has done for them. Your right the text was a fabrication. It said. 'You can have it both ways, how can I give you your money if I can't come to see you. I said I was sorry. Why are you starting something?' But I thought no dinner = no money was more simpler and less identifying. But you saw right through that didn't you Radical.