Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

[Earlyday]

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth , I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

Has she insisted you do ante nnatal classes together? Has she spoken to you about pregnancy at all?

You are getting all worked up about something that hasn't happened yet and may never happen.

Disclaimer: My SiL was pregnant and I announced mine a few months later. We were excited for each other but there was no joining of hips. Tbh I think we are both grateful the other I there to 'diffuse the excitement' as it were.

You are catastrophising and making out your SiL is horrid when she actually hasn't done anything wrong.

For goodness sake be an adult and talk to her if you are unhappy but this seething is not good for you OP and you need to deal with it.

Your family may think you are unreasonable and unfriendly even but they will know where they stand and exactly what sort of person you are. An introvert who does like her SiL.

Sorry should say doesn't like her SiL.

After reading more of this thread I'd come out and totally say to SIL "look I really don't want to spend time with you, find you creepy and dislike you too and just because we're going to be mothers together I'd prefer for us not to be best buds". Very PA but if that's what it takes....

Then she has it square on, she will get the picture loud and clear and will leave you alone.

I get what you mean about introvertedness, your own space etc but sometimes you have to make an effort.

You could quite easily take her to one side re the annoying traits of hers in your OP etc and say "I need my own space, is that ok? Don't know if you realise that?" Far better coming from you than your DB or MIL. Not her fault though if DB wanted to move nearer to you. What's your relationship with DB like?

I personally think you're jealous of her, especially stealing your thunder and want all the attention on you but you make out you don't want this. How pathetic.

So the Op is a bitch for being polite and not telling the sil to fuck off because that wouldn't be awkward at the next Christmas dinner..but she's also a bitch for not making friends purely because they will both be expelling humans from their vaginas at similar times and because the SIl wants her to?

And I love that someone managed to sneak in "what about the men" (brothers).

You can win OP. Keep being polite Op, keep pushing her politely away. She's in the wrong for not listening when you politely ignore her.

squash but she hates her, doesn't want to spend more time than is feasibly possible and they have nothing in common and OP not prepared to try.

I have had a far better relationship with my SIL like I said since I made an effort and got to know her character and likes and dislikes rather than pouncing on her or judging her every time she (and I can be same) was a bit off. I also make fab lemon cakes for her birthday and arrange nights out with her too, brownie point time!

Could your mother and brother be encouraging her to be extra friendly to you? Is that where the 'pushing together' comes from?
Perhaps they feel she might be 'good for you, bring you out of yourself''.
You may be overthinking the situation. Don't look ahead too much.
I hope you both have beautiful babies.
In fact once you have you both may be too busy to notice each other so much.

wannabe completely agree with you. Imagine if this were kids.
Ops kid comes home saying she's trying to be friendly with another child but they don't want to know, bet it would be different.
Why is the sil getting blamed for everything?
Did the brother not want to move?did he not have a say? I'm sure the sil wanted to move just to be nearer to you.
Maybe your mom has been trying to get you together as she thinks it would be nice that you were actually friends ,like a lot of families.
I don't even think the sil sounds extroverted, just a normal person trying to be friendly
She opens your moms door and that makes you upset?
I really still don't understand that part. How dare she open the door i don't get it?
I think you should tell her.
Then you won't be upset and anxious anymore and then the poor sil can stop wasting her time trying to be friendly.

I don't think YABU. Obviously she is not BU to be pregnant at the same time as you those kind of things are out of people's control really and not something anyone but the couple should have a say in and I'm sure you know that. But I don't think YABU to be disappointed, This is a woman who is already crowding you, pushing for more than you want to give and encroaching on your life. WHY would she move a few doors down? That is weird! Also following you from room to room, it's just not on. So what if she wants to be your best friend, you don't feel the same and she needs to accept that.

Now you're both pregnant at the same time PIL may try to do joint events etc and your children may be encouraged to attend the same classes etc. Your only solution is to be clear and firm about your boundaries and get used to saying no. Start asking her for space if she follows you around. Tell your partner all this and get some back up. You're not being unreasonable to feel suffocated by her.

If being introverted isn't an excuse for my behaviour then surely her being extroverted isn't an excuse for her behaviour. I don't think it's acceptable to crowd someone who wants space

How is she supposed to know you want space (a lot of it, as in she should not really ever come near you) if you don't tell her and continue to be "politely friendly"? She's not a fucking mind reader.

You don't have to be friends with her. You don't have to like her. You don't have to hang out with her or talk to her. That is all completely acceptable and your choice.
You do have to give the poor cow a clue that she should piss off and leave you alone.

OP, I'm in the YANBU camp.

WannaBe Sat 02-Apr-16 09:31:33

If even the op's mother wants them to get on it seems fairly obvious that the op's dislike of her sil is uncomfortably noticeable.

Kali, the point is that thay are not kids. They are adults. OP doesn't hate sil, but doesn't want to be close friends with her. She's allowed to feel like that; just because her brother loves sil doesn't mean that she has to too. It just means she needs to be on civil terms with her when the occasion arises.

SIL seems to be trying to force the friendship. This friendship has a chance to grow naturally, and might even do so, if SIL, brother and MIl stop forcing it. Over the years, they will undoubtedly see quite a lot of each other, and may end up really close. There's no chance of that happening - quite the reverse in fact - if sil and everyone else keeps on pushing it.

Sylvia you are spot on

If even the op's mother wants them to get on it seems fairly obvious that the op's dislike of her sil is uncomfortably noticeable.

OP has not said she dislikes her SIL, just that she finds the eagerness to crowd her uncomfortable. I haven't seen anything to suggest the OP dislikes her SIL.

And if her mum is an extrovert, then she won't "get" the OP's need for space. there's also the suggestion that the SIL is an extrovert, too.

OP has said she's polite and civil, and I would guess that if the SIL was less keen, the relationship between the OP and SIL would grow naturally.

I'm an introvert, I get it 100%. I even need time on my own away from the DP and DCs every day or I can't function properly (I go to bed a little earlier than DP to read, listen to music, etc, it helps a lot).

OP, do you think your DB could have instigated this? Would it help to talk to him? I do agree with others that you could find it not being a problem once the DCs are born as you'll both be doing your own things.

I bet she feels like this relationship is just as awkward as you do and her way of fixing the situation is to be over-friendly whereas your way to cope with it is to do the exact opposite. She's not a bad person and neither are you, you're just different.

Just tell her or you're going to become more resentful.

Sylvia a bit like what I said but straight to the point...

I would so laugh if ever OP did need or want to turn to her SIL then SIL quite rightly turns round and says F off.

Raspberry can't quote but in her OP she says she has "never got on with her" That's more or less dislike in my book.

feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

op I think you may be getting ahead of yourself. This is a special time for your db and sil, what makes you think she will want to spend her maternity leave meeting up with you all the time? She has a large group of friends. her mother and own family etc. its not just all about your side.

I think you don't like her encroaching on not just your personal space, but your family life too, and thats not on because she is part of your family.

saying that though i think it would be wise to talk to your mum, tell her you are pregnant quietly in your own time and explain that the sil situation is getting you down for the reasons you describe here.

boat no i was agreeing with wannabes point that she made.
You may take it that the op doesn't hate her sil, but too me from ops posts it comes across that she doesn't like her.
Maybe that's how she she comes across to the sil and others?
Yes i completely take your point about not being best friends, but it comes across that op doesn't want to be even friends.
Ofcourse it's only my view, i just find it really sad.

Is your SIL very close to her family? Maybe she is just trying to replicate what she is used to.

I actually think you are being more unkind not talking to her honestly. You really need to sit down and have a frank conversation, explain why you are stand offish (i suspect you are coming across that way which could be why she is trying so hard) tell her you need your space, your quite insular and find close relationships with people something you can't deal with.

SuperFlyHigh Sat 02-Apr-16 19:16:16
Raspberry can't quote but in her OP she says she has "never got on with her" That's more or less dislike in my book.

Not in my book, it doesn't. Round my way it tends to refer to just being different, not out and out dislike. There are some people I don't get on with, but I certainly don't dislike them.

Raspberry op just comes across as not willing to try at all, and all kinds of stuff by her SIL have pissed her off...

Unless there's a massive backstory and SIL really has done or said something I think OP is being over sensitive (I am quite this way too though) but she really really isn't speaking to her or giving her a chance. I doubt she'd like another partner of her DBs either and probably sadly would be pleased if they broke up.

In the first few pages I was all willing to hear OP out and cut her some slack but SIL has done nothing wrong. I feel op is reading more into this too especially re jobs, I think SIL just wanted to work at a nice company and likes OP, God only knows why!

Is there a reason that you don't mention your brother at all? It all seems to be down to your SIL, you don't seem to acknowledge that it might have been your brother that wanted to move closer?

Yabu about the pregnancy timing, she can't help being pregnant at the same time as you (& you have a brother in this) a certain amount of related pregnancy talk will happen and most of it wil be meaningless.

The stuff about wanting to be live near you? Your brother did too, or they both thought it was a nice area and there was small talk involved. Oh look there's a house for sale in our budget and it's near you, what fun. I very much doubt that the decision on possible places to live was all down to a stalker female in the relationship. Your brother didnt have a view?

If your brother, mother or anyone tries to push you both together then fake smile and say relationships happen best naturally when they take their own course. I was labelled a SHY CHILD and fucking hated people trying to bring me out of the shell they thought I had. Nah, I am not shy. I am 75 % introverted and am 98 % cautious but have had very few relationship dramas in my life ... pragmatic is the word I use.

Sil suggests stuff? Again it's probably just chat and what you're expecteed to say in such situations. If you're in a big town it's very easy to never cross paths, even with baby stuff. Or you only arrange stuff when your brother and partner are there too, fake smile and get it over with. I have been pregnant at the same time with 3 of my sils in the same town and never bumped into any of them. Then again my relationship with them isn't just some women altogether wierd thing, men are also involved in the pregnancies and they also wanted to meet up too for family stuff. Any suggestion from a husband that female x should meet up with female p was met with ludicrous suggestions of who they should meet up with and how & when.

Don't write sil off. Maybe she is a bit wako, or you genuinely dilike her but she is also not unpleasant then restict her to family gatherings and be polite. Of course you will also be restricting your brother in the same way. Or just let the relationship naturally grow, you can do that without living in each others pockets. Say yes whe you want to, say no when you don't. Sometimes go crazy and say yes when you dont know.

YANBU OP, I would hate that with a passion. I pick my friends carefully, and they are people I feel totally comfortable with, and can relax around entirely (a massive introvert here). As nice as your SIL may be, I completely understand the dread you feel at the potential for feeling obligated and smothered, and the potential for SIL to get overexcited about double pregnancies and amp up the attention.

I think a LOT of posters on here are either being deliberately obtuse, or genuinely have no concept that being introverted does not equal somehow being 'wrong' socially.

You have such an unfortunate outlook on the whole thing. she's not just some woman....she's your brothers wife. She is part of your wider extended family. You will be her child's Aunt - who wouldn't want to foster a good relationship? sounds like she trying to be nice and your projecting your own anxieties on her motives. possibly the worse you behave the harder she tries - I feel badly for her.

I seriously doubt she applied at your company to be "besties" - it's probably a good company and she wants just such a job.

This may be your personal makeup OP but I encourage you not to hide behind stereotypes about introverts - if you are behaving badly or being ungracious its in your power to change it. nobody is moving into your house - you can easily be friendly before retreating to your comfort zone.