Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

[Earlyday]

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth , I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

I agree sylvia, op is coming across as not wanting anything to do with her, and not wanting to make any effort with her, which I do not agree with. Op she is your DB wife, so yes, you do have to try and make some effort, no you do not have to be bossom buddies, I agree it is clingy to want to be next door to you, and in your workplace, you will need to set some boundaries.

First, congratulations on your pregnancy.

However, I think yabu.

It sounds as if you are trying to distance yourself from your OH's family and your SIL is possibly trying to ensure this doesn't happen, by reaching out to you and trying to make friends.
She is being a bit too overzealous. The applying for a job in the same place as you is a bit OTT, but it sounds as if it's coming from the right place.
Are you perhaps a little jealous of your OH's relationship with SIL? I know some wives are never understand it myself

Is she a very sociable person and you're not?
If yes, it's hardly her fault if she is sociable and friendly. Same as it's not your fault for wanting to be on your own.

Do you go out of your way to spend lots of time with people you don't really get on with - just because they insist they want to be close to you?

No, just the opposite, as is entirely clear from my point. I'd let them know that we were never going to be close and to basically bugger off, albeit politely.

You seem obsessed with the idea that everyone is going to force you together, are you a small child being taken on playdates or are you an actual adult who can arrange her own relationships?

If you bump into her at the shop, or babygroups, so what! she is your family, not arch enemy number 1, just make polite small take and that's it! She is trying to make the effort with you, and to include you, that is nice, but do have a relationship with her, but set some boundaries, mabey on your terms. Like meet once a month for coffee, decline any invites if you don't want, if you bump into her, be polite and curteous.

early can I recommend some of the threads here about introverts? Come and join those of us who quite like our own space

Butter can dh join, he is a total introvert who likes his and our own company and nobody else. Infact he could be the op, if he were not male . I am total opposite, sociable and like others company.

YANBU.

I hate my SIL. Her baby was due Aug 2012 and mine was due Sept 2012. Thank goodness she lives far away so I never see her

YABU

Aeroflot get him to take a gander! We might be a quiet group but we know we're right

On a serious note it can be stressful for some of us when people try to force company on us. However pleasant that company might be.

I do wonder if your mum & brother tell her to make an extra effort with you because you are an introvert?

Of course she might just be pushy!

Have you asked your mum why she pushes you together & told herthat you don't want her to?

I think I get it op, you're dreading the potential increase in social pressure to spend time with her and be chatty and happy etc. I would HATE that.

I get stressed before my own birthday outing because I feel under pressure to be happy and cheerful - I get really paranoid that I won't be able to sustain the happy face that everyone expects me to wear. In my birth family 'not being happy enough' was an oft-flung accusation and it was taken as unreasonable behaviour towards the rest of the family, so I still worry about it. Funnily enough my friends would never say such dickish things and would accept my more muted behaviour without demur

The point is that you're worrying about social pressure. Perfectly normal response IMO. I find that babies make perfectly good conversation fodder from pregnancy onwards though, so at least you will have a ready-made topic to hand if she does start gabbing even more than usual (I'd find it OTT as well tbf).

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I will butter , we think he might be on the Autistic spectrum like dd as he does have some similarities with her.

OP, I'm an introvert myself and understand how your SIL's behaviour can feel quite suffocating. I do however think that it should be possible to find a happy medium here. Be friendly, go for a coffee / a meal / to the cinema with her (maybe DB can come along, too) every now and again but keep it to once a week / fortnight / whatever you can bear. The rest of the time politely decline when she asks you to meet up.

For me it has worked really well to tell people quite openly that I'm an introvert and need lots of time to myself. I always made it clear that they haven't done anything wrong and that it's just me being a bit of a weird loner, who finds social interaction exhausting very quickly. Sometimes I don't meet up with any friends for several weeks, but nobody seems to mind much because they know what I'm like and that I still love them. Some people get it very quickly, with others you have to be a bit more patient until they understand.
I have a lovely but sometimes quite overbearing friend who would call me twice a day and visit as often as possible if given the chance. She's not some weird stalker, but loves company and also talks a LOT. Even she got the message eventually and it hasn't damaged our relationship at all. Before I managed to (nicely!) put my foot down, I felt quite suffocated and irritated by her and started to resent her for never leaving me alone. Obviously, I could have told her to just fuck off and never contact me again, but then I would have lost one of the kindest, most helpful, interesting people I know.

Your SIL sounds really lovely, just a bit insensitive to your introvert vibes. For you DB's sake, to keep the family peace, but also because cutting off a nice person just because they're not 100% your cup of tea would be really cruel (you said so yourself in your last post), you should try to make your relationship work. That means that you need to make more of an effort and be more welcoming to her, but in a way that gives you enough control to be able to "enjoy her in small doses". If you feel less steamrollered by her, you may even begin to quite like her after all.

I think I would try to put my own feelings on the back burner and look to the great relationship that can come from having same age cousins nearby. By throwing away a relationship with your SIL you will, in effect, be limiting your child's relationship with their cousin. I haven't actually read anything in your posts which suggests any sort of malevolence in your SIL. Remember you are not only defining your relationship with your SIL, you are also defining your future child's with their cousin & Aunt.

You can't help who you don't like no matter what anyone says .
You just need to be civil like you have been doing as she has done nothing wrong. However this experience should be a happy one and nobody else should dictate who you should spend time with. There will be comparisons it's inevitable and you may warm to her more as you share similar experiences.
You have the added advantage of her being further on than you so you can avoid the same places and are unlikely to have scans at the same time.
Build your own support network around you by maybe going to an antenatal class where you'll make friends with women who are a similar stage as you then you can attend groups postpartum with them.
Good luck

OP I hope you have felt some support here from the people who understand where you are coming from. I think YANBU.

Can you do as some people have suggested and see if your brother and/or your mother can support you in "protecting" you from her sometimes.

How often does she try to meet up with you? And as lots of people have asked, how do you get on with your brother?

OP I hope you have felt some support here from the people who understand where you are coming from

Yawn. We can understand her point and still disagree, you know.

And can we all stop using "introvert" as an excuse for meanness please? It's fine to be an introvert, its fine not to want to be around people or make friends with them. But introvert doesn't mean its ok to be awful about people who do want to make friends or be around people. Way overdone here.

A man can't understand how you feel about this and I won't try.

But I can understand how your DB will feel if you don't make a decent show of pleasure when he becomes a father - especially if as it seems it's his first.

Please think of that when the time comes and go and see your little nephew or niece as soon as you are able and welcome. Please. Whatever you feel about SIL.

Funking I'm not wound up by suggestions that anyone may have ASD traits. I don't see the spectrum as solely negative, and it can be helpful. What worried me was conflating introversion with autism - I think many autistic people do end up introverted because of sensory problems or because they have suffered many years of rejection, as well as those whose personalities are that way inherently... but all the autistic people in my own family and in DH's (including our son) are all extroverts - in fact I am far more introverted than any of them, and their love of people and company strikes me as rather tiring (my mother commented once that as children he longed for company and I didn't care - my imagination meant I could always amuse myself, while my brother needed someone to play with...)

Sylvia I don't think you're being very kind to the OP yourself, tbh. I agree completely that in normal circumstances gently letting someone know that close friendship is never on the cards would be wise, but the issue here is the family complication, perhaps. It's going to be tricky for the OP to manage the space she needs with the need to also keep family bonds peaceful and constructive.

Anyway - congratulations, OP!

I think you sound really mean and unfriendly. You have admitted that this poor woman hasn't done anything to you and yet carry all of this resentment.

You also seem a bit self centered. Has it occurred to you that your BROTHER wanted to move to be nearer family? That's what my husband and I have done, we live 5 doors from my SiL. Has it maybe crossed your mind that your SiL knows you work somewhere decent and would have liked a job with as good conditions. Lets not forget that she doesn't actually live next door or work with you.

You don't have to be friends with everyone but I do think people should be kind to family (and she is family) especially when they actually haven't done anything wrong at all.

I don't think being introverted is a good excuse to be mean spirited. OP you are unreasonable and need to get a grip. You are stressing about things that haven't happened yet or happened at all. You have fixated on your SiL and are hanging all of your anxieties on someone who doesn't deserve it. Get help or get over it but you risk ruining BOTH of your pregnancies with your bitterness and bad spirit. No one is asking you to be bffs but just be civil.

Crikey, she'd do my head in.
My brother and sil-to-be are actually moving into the road next to our road today. We've made it VERY clear to one another that this does not mean we will constantly be in each other's pockets. I would hate that.
I think some pp have totally misread what you're saying. Maybe when sil has her baby she'll be too busy and tired to do much more than look after it and she'll stop trying to force a friendship with you!

If being introverted isn't an excuse for my behaviour then surely her being extroverted isn't an excuse for her behaviour. I don't think it's acceptable to crowd someone who wants space.

Have you actually said anything though? She's not a flipping mind reader!

Looks like your miscarriages made you a very bitter person and you weren't exactly an extrovert before that. You are VBU. Don't let your bitterness spoil the possibility of a nice relationship between two cousins. Hide your cat bum mouth and stay away from your SIL if you can't stand her.Hope your pregnancy will be without any problems.

You sound like a fucking delight though MartinaJ