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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

258 replies

Earlyday · 01/04/2016 21:57

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth Sad, I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

OP posts:
IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/04/2016 11:22

I wouldn't like to feel suffocated. Or to be followed round my mum's house. But I do think it'll be completely different once the babies are born. She'll have a new best friend!

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/04/2016 11:24

Funking I thought you made a good point about not judging people who struggle in social situations, so helpful in that respect.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/04/2016 11:25

Whoops, that should have been Funking

Groovee · 02/04/2016 11:29

I was in your SIL's position. My SIL picked me up and dropped whenever she felt like it. Our boys could have had an amazing close relationship but she had to constantly stand in the way and stop any fun happening between them.

It resulted in her bullying my daughter and we went no contact. I keep her at arms length now! It could have been a completely different experience.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2016 11:33

YAB totally U about your SIL being pregnant at the same time as you. There might come a time when you'll be grateful to have friends. You don't sound very likeable I'm afraid.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 02/04/2016 11:36

Haven't read the whole thread but don't stress about it too much in advance OP. I predict the shared time pregnant will be harder than when the babies arrive. Although you may find she's completely absorbed with her own life and partner now that she's pregnant; she'll have her own family who want to be all over her and her own friends too I'm sure; perhaps it will be a non issue?

Even if it isn't, once your babies are both here (congrats by the way - and good luck!) you might find you're not so resistant to having someone with a baby of a similar age to go for coffee and bemoan your sleeplessness with. You probably imagine you'll be busy with all these wonderful other mums who'll be just like you and you'll be doing lovely mummy things together, but baby groups can be lonely, cliquey places and like-minded mums can be hard to find! You might find yourself glad of the offer to get out of the house, and anyway your SIL will be too tired to be as intense as before - promise Wink

FarrowandBallAche · 02/04/2016 11:42

Your sil sounds lovely.

Are you jealous of her OP?

lorelei9here · 02/04/2016 11:47

Wow
Surprised by the responses
YANBU OP
Really what you're saying is, you're worried that someone you already find irritating and suffocating is going to see this as an excuse to get closer to you and you want to run away screaming
I feel your pain
I'm one of these people who finds it hard to put in a show anyway
So I'd say to subtly indicate that you don't feel the same
So if you are faking enthusiasm when you see her, stop. Just be casual. If she doesn't get the hint then not sure, but make it clear to her that you need space.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2016 11:51

Your Sil sounds absolutely lovely, not a loon. It's not her fault you are pregnant at the same time, just nature. She sounds a bit clingy and wants to be friends with you. I think you do need to make a bit of effort, considering its your DB wife!

Booboostwo · 02/04/2016 11:52

If my child came home from school and said another child was trying to be friends with them, trying to sit next to them, trying to make conversation, choosing the same activities, etc. I would point out that the other child is lonely and looking for a friend. No one is obliged to be friends with anyone else but maybe the fact that she is family, she is friendly and she is desperate to be your friend are reasons enough to cut her some slack? Maybe give her a chance to bond with you in a space and a way that makes you feel comfortable and then, gently, explain why in some other situations her behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable.

SylviaWrath · 02/04/2016 12:13

I don't know why people keep saying you should be nice to someone you don't like in this situation....you aren't being kind or lovely when you do that, you're being twofaced and making it worse! If someone is trying really hard to be your friend, and you are pretending to like them too but really trying to get away from them, you are only encouraging them to keep trying while telling other people how awful they are.
Stop being nice. Stop faking. Let the poor woman get the message that you really can't stand her and she might turn her attentions to people who aren't just pretending to like her.

BoatyMcBoat · 02/04/2016 12:30

I get you.

Can you tell your brother that his wife is a nice enough woman, but you're never going to be best buddies and that civility will be stretched if she doesn't back off?

tobysmum77 · 02/04/2016 12:32

Sylvia its because generally nice adults try and find people's positives. They don't consider others to be 'awful' without very good reason. SIL can be irritating we get that, we all can be, but it doesn't mean that in small doses I wouldn't like her.

Original poster
Earlyday · 02/04/2016 12:54

tobysmum small doses would be fine but she's pushing for more and more and more. I never said she was awful - I said I don't want to be best friends spending all our time together.

I didn't want her living almost next to me - I need a bit of space - not seeing her constantly whenever I pop in and out of my house. I am fine with her living in the same town - but why almost next door?

I didn't want her working in the same place as me - i like to keep my work and home life separate. There are thousands of places she could have chosen to work in but she twice tried to work at my place.

If she'd got her way we'd be living on the same street and working in the same office and probably spending our free time together too. For me this would be too much.

OP posts:
SylviaWrath · 02/04/2016 12:59

Sylvia its because generally nice adults try and find people's positives. They don't consider others to be 'awful' without very good reason

Yes, they do. But it isn't being a nice adult to keep stringing along someone that you don't want anywhere near you, for whatever reason that is. It's much kinder and nicer to make sure they know to leave you alone.

Original poster
Earlyday · 02/04/2016 13:03

I don't string her along - I'm polite but not acting like her best friend who wants to spend all my time with her. I know some people say just tell her how you feel but I could never bring myself to do that because, maybe I'm wrong, but I think that would be cruel.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 02/04/2016 13:05

Has she moved some distance to be with your brother? If so she may be a bit friendless hence trying too hard. M
It's not really your fault if you don't like her but a bit of compassion would make that seem less mean-spirited.

SylviaWrath · 02/04/2016 13:07

Come off it, you "don't want to spend ALL your time with her"? It's clear that you don't want to spend ANY time with her. You don't like her, and you are pissed off that she is pregnant.
Thats way more than not wanting to be best of friends.

Original poster
Earlyday · 02/04/2016 13:09

She is not lonely - she has a lot of friends. I have a much smaller group of friends - because I'm a quieter person

OP posts:
Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 13:11

Try not to catastrophise.. She doesn't actually live next door, or work with you.

Her efforts in trying to get to know you better are a big compliment (or a sign of her own loneliness / desire to create support network) but if you're not so keen to be besties, she'll get the message.

I'd maybe drop some hints about the sort of 'friend' you are... e.g. say things like another friend got a bit exasperated with you as you're a "I love you but need my own space" kind of person...

Original poster
Earlyday · 02/04/2016 13:13

No Sylvia - I'm bring honest here, I'm not pissed off that she's pregnant but I'm getting stressed thinking that because both of us are pregnant at the same time we'll be pushed closer together.

Do you go out of your way to spend lots of time with people you don't really get on with - just because they insist they want to be close to you?

Maybe it's just my personality but I find this difficult - and tiring. I don't like to feel crowded.

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/04/2016 13:16

She is married to your brother and will be in your life for a long time, you need to just suck it up I'm afraid. If she's too full on a personality for you, your probably hard work for her. Just be civil and keep visits short.

diddl · 02/04/2016 13:16

You can't be pushed together against your will, though!

Also, try thinking that it's not all about you-the move, the job application, unlikely to be about you.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 02/04/2016 13:18

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. It sounds like the clash of personalities has been exacerbated by her - possibly well meaning - trying too hard, and now to deal with how that situation will be encouraged by being pregnant at the same time. I'd feel the same way. You sound exhausted by the whole thing Flowers

SootyShearwater · 02/04/2016 13:21

But, OP, she didn't move next door to you and didn't get a job at your workplace, if I understand correctly? You seem to be focusing so much on things which didn't happen and things which might not happen. You are an adult and as such can do what you like (within reason). I understand you find the situation with your SIL a bit of a pain, but you do seem to be making very heavy weather out of not a great deal. Perhaps try to think a little more positively and not dwell so much on something which actually is within your control to deal with?