To not let dd wear swimming trunks?

[Speckledpeckle]

Just that really Dd is 5. Embraces all things typically thought of as "boy" strongly rejects anything remotely girly. Now wants to wear swimming trunks when we go swimming.. I embrace all the requests for spiderman shirts, darth Vader outfits etc. Right down to her underpants. However wearing swimming trunks feels a step to far.. I can't really articulate why.. Dh is on the fence doesn't really feel it's appropriate but probably wouldn't be too bothered. I have told her no, she is a girl and they wear swimming costumes! Now feeling like a right mean mummy as she says she no longer wants to go swimming then! Aibu?

OP the "for boys" thing has permeated everything she has done for the last 7 years. Like your school, her school split into boys and girls things very early in reception and left her quite isolated as she didn't understand why she was being left out of things with her friends. Obviously, it was driven by the mothers at that point but was very hard and we ended up moving her to a different school which wasn't like this at all and still isn't.

She does sometimes struggle with understanding that the boys don't always see her as 100% one of them. Her good friends do and the parties are often for "all the boys and sister sweet DD" but she's also invited to the all girls parties and I've often had to politely decline as she doesn't want to do hair & make up or karaoke.

We're now looking at secondary schools and have had to eliminate all the girls only schools which has given us a much smaller pool of schools to choose from.

However, as I said in an earlier post, we are seeing some changes in her and over the last 6 months she has started to build friendships with 3 or 4 girls in her class which I think is really important. Not because it normalises her at all, I love her male friends but because as she gets older and wants sleepovers etc it's much easier with girls. It's getting to the point where I'm not sure how much longer it's appropriate for her to have sleepovers with the boys.

All in all, keep going as you are. It is hard and unless you're in the thick of it you don't really understand. It's easy to say "oh let her do what she wants" and to a certain extent that true (she was the Spider-Man to the 20 princesses at every party for years) but equally, there is an element of you also needing to smooth the way for her not to become isolated.

I say all this assuming you're dealing with a child who likes boy things rather than one who is genuinely trans-gender.

OP, I don't want to be harsh,Mobutu your discomfort just screams out from your posts.

If you keep agreeing that some things are "for boys" I think you are going to have a very confused and unhappy daughter. A 5 year old in shorts and no top is categorically not the same thing as a man wearing a bikini, and that you choose that comparison tells me a lot about where your head is on this. It is your issue, not your daughter's. Please stop projecting.

A 5 year old in shorts and no top is categorically not the same thing as a man wearing a bikini

I agree, but a boy in a bikini would probably also attract teasing and stares from peers.

The daughter herself feels that "boy stuff is for boys" though and she appears to be choosing it on that basis alone, not just because she likes it. I would want my child to be choosing stuff because they liked it and wouldn't want it to be because they thought "girl stuff" or girls are inferior.

It doesn't matter how we dress it up, girl is seen as lesser than boy. The kids smart and has picked that up from somewhere.

DD wanted trunks like her brother because they were comfier....
I was a tomboy, only wanted to wear boys clothes, shoes etc (even wanted to pee standing up ). Lasted until I was about 12 I think. I didn't feel I was a boy, just seemed that all their 'stuff' was better/ they had more fun/freedom. Unsurprisingly I am a forthright feminist. I still wish I could choose to be treated as a man. Some of the crap I've had to deal with in my personal and professional life would suggest my younger self was spot on...
May I suggest you let this slide? My mum battled with me on so many fronts, she still has quite fixed ideas about gender roles. I was confident enough to take the criticism of peers (I thought they were idiots, the girly girls who wanted to marry a prince, mostly I pitied them and their lack of ambition and self confidence). It was my Mum who was embarrassed...

actually said no, that's not really appropriate. And maybe that's because some stuff just isn't for everyone. Trunks are made for boys. Swimming costumes are made for girls. Rightly or wrongly that's just how the world is

How is it inappropriate? What would a five year old girl be showing to the world that shouldn't be seen? A top half precisely the same as a five year boy, which is ok to be seen. So its ILLOGICAL NONSENSE to say it is inappropriate.

"Thats just how the world is" is a cop out. Thats the current standard because people like you say so and make it so. Stop fucking doing that, because its pissing off those of us who aren't spouting illogical nonsense.

I agree with hettie that trunks may well be comfier. When DD was potty training she had an accident once and had to borrow pants from a friend (boy). She loved them because a) they had a picture of Thomas on them and b) they were thicker (so if she had a tiny accident she wasn't immediately sodden through her clothes) and comfier. We bought her boys pants for several years. Later she decided she wanted girls pants.

Toddlers go in the swimming pool in swim nappies, both boys and girls. Maybe because my children are older (12 and 10) I don't really see much difference between that and a 5 year old wanting to wear trunks.

Just get the trunks, they're a lot more comfy anyway (25 and I still wear them, and while I'm very much a low maintenance type, I have a startling obsession with sparkly things) though a rash vest is a good idea, not because I think 5 year old girls need to cover their chests but because if this is a continuing theme, when she eventually does start budding, she'll definitely feel more awkward and uncomfortable with all of a sudden having to cover up more (spoken from experience, though I was an early bloomer at 9.)

To be honest, I'd like some spiderman swimshorts. I can see how they would be more comfortable than briefs/onepieces and I wouldn't have to sort out my bikini line to remain social appropriate for a public swimming pool.

To the earlier poster who mentions tran issues. I have worn a great deal of men's clothing and have some stereotypically male interests. However, I am not trans. To be explicit, I have absolutely no wish for my breasts to be removed and replaced with a penis. I just don't fit into stereotypical gender expectations, because gender expectations, like all stereotypes, don't apply to 100% of people.

If a little girl doesn't fit the rules for girls don't assume she's a boy- wonder if maybe, just maybe, if the rules for what she can wear and do are broken. Please. Be properly understanding and accepting of differences. Don't be ultra-conservative and say that 'masculine' girls are boys and 'feminine' boys are girls.

It's a good thing medical progress in trans surgery and hormone treatment happened after women were allowed to study medicine. If the first women to study medicine were fighting today, some folk would probably assume they only wanted to study a male-only profession because they were trans!

By the way, it is not true that boys only wear swimming trunks.

Boys' swimming briefs are available at any good sportswear store, department store or online website.

OP, show her some. If she likes them, they'll look just like girls' swimming briefs to the other children.

My 7yo girl likes to wear trunks and has done for some years. It's meaningless, she just prefers the look. She wears a costume for swimming lessons that her Nana bought her (Nana takes her swimming) but has gone in trunks before.

Good post TaraC

The idea that what a young child wants to wear, means they may be transgender, is such a ridiculous one. Posters talk all the time on here about how many young kids have foibles and eccentricities about what they will and will not wear. This is no more than that. Don't make a big deal out of it.

And I know women who wear men's briefs because they say they are more comfortable. I favour old ladies briefs myself.
Also if she is sensitive to anything uncomfortable like labels, or clothing that is slightly uncomfortable, boys clothes will generally be more comfortable.

cleaty it genuinely scares me how a preference for a certain toy will have a child labelled as transgendered these days. Gender is a pile of bollocks anyway.

There isn't an issue with her wearing shorts, surely? they do girl board shorts... Why can't she have those? (If you're worried about her looking like a boy) if she's not happy with that, buy her which ones she'd like. Think about it, is it really that much of a problem?