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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let dd wear swimming trunks?

191 replies

Speckledpeckle · 01/04/2016 18:26

Just that really Dd is 5. Embraces all things typically thought of as "boy" strongly rejects anything remotely girly. Now wants to wear swimming trunks when we go swimming.. I embrace all the requests for spiderman shirts, darth Vader outfits etc. Right down to her underpants. However wearing swimming trunks feels a step to far.. I can't really articulate why.. Dh is on the fence doesn't really feel it's appropriate but probably wouldn't be too bothered. I have told her no, she is a girl and they wear swimming costumes! Now feeling like a right mean mummy as she says she no longer wants to go swimming then! Aibu?

OP posts:
FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 01/04/2016 19:23

OP I got a few comments when I was younger about being a 'tom boy' but honestly it didn't isolate me.
My best friend in primary was a boy. Then when secondary started I made new friends of both sexes. It really wasn't an issue.
Don't fret about it too much and let her get on with it. It is great that you have a DD who knows what she likes and isn't afraid to say it. If you push 'girly' stuff on her you will just cause resentment and confusion.
What even is 'girl stuff'?

IdealWeather · 01/04/2016 19:23

Our aim as parents isn't always to make our children the 'happiest' though.
Our role is to guide so they can develop into nice adults and to be happy with who they are.

AnnaMarlowe · 01/04/2016 19:24

Yes, OP just buy her the bloody shorts!

Her choices at 5 will not necessarily inform her choices as 15 or 25.

One of my closest friends spent her whole year 4-5 declaring herself a boy. She hated frilly, girl clothes as a child and didn't like dolls.

By the time she was 17 she was bedecked in highly feminine bangles and scarves and hippy ankle length skirts.

At 25 she was in no way interested in babies or ever having children.

By 35 she was a SAHM breastfeeding, baby wearing and investigating home schooling.

She isn't gay, bi or transgender or any other the things you are presumably worried about.

Do you expect that your DD will always be Spiderman obsessed? Of course not! Choices at 5 are not forever.

ouryve · 01/04/2016 19:24

How is wearing swim shorts any different from wearing shorts for on dry land? They look virtually identical (unless you buy into the whole aesthetic of girls' clothes always being skimpier and more close fitting than boys', which is unreasonable for an active child, in itself).

Footle · 01/04/2016 19:25

My tall 10 yr old grandson has beautiful long hair, halfway down his back. He does get some looks at the swimming pool from people who may be wondering if he's a thin topless girl, but he's not remotely bothered and I don't think you need to be, OP.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 01/04/2016 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/04/2016 19:26

Buy her the spiderman swim shorts, let her be happy. It's so sad that people stress over these things. I swear there was less gender pressure in the 80s. In fact I'm almost certain there was. My brother and I had the same tracksuit, the same one was modeled by a boy and girl in the Freemans catalogue! It's ironic that vastly increased choice has actually boxed people into corners.

PurpleTraitor · 01/04/2016 19:27

My DD wore shorts at that age with a long sleeved swim top due to getting so cold in the water. She also had 'boys shoes' and lunch boxes etc

Two best friends at school are boys. Two best friends out of school are girls. I'm not sure why that matters. They are just children

I would be very worried about what sounds like a class segregated by gender, not about swimming costumes

What is happening in the school to make all the girls stand in one corner and all the boys in the other? Is it lazy policies, stereotyping and casual sexism? If so no wonder your dd is calling bullshit. You should be proud!

RudeElf · 01/04/2016 19:28

Seriously at that age, my dcs had NO say to what they were wearing

Lucky you! You should meet my DS2. The rows just arent worth it.

MyAmDeryCross · 01/04/2016 19:29

I was going to suggest an all in one trunks combo as others have posted. Covers the top half so curtain twitching daily mail readers have nothing to complain about and no "politically correct" uneducated staff embarrassing staff can try and chuck you out while your D gets to wear what she wants

IdealWeather · 01/04/2016 19:30

Soup yep, my dcs also had some quite strict view on which brand of yogurts they wanted and that x fruit juice was better than y.
That didn't mean they got the brand of yogurt they wanted or the fruit juice they wanted.
Maybe that was ok and that's we got, maybe that was some of the time, maybe never (eg the yogurt with Thomas on was one of them).

I do agree with the OP that once you have said YES to something, it's impossible to go back on it and it often becomes 'always'. Always yogurts with Thomas on. Always boys shoes etc...
Some of the stuff you might decide to accept (Let's say the shoes because they are much more confortable), some of the stuff you can so NO to.

But in the end the choice, as a parent, should be yours. It's the idea that you should never say NO because that would make them happy/the happiest that I have an issue with.

RudeElf · 01/04/2016 19:30

what would make her happiest would be a pair of spiderman swim shorts Sad

Oh behave! Take her to the shop, ask her which ones she wants, buy them. Its a non issue. Why you are so insistent on A) making it one and winding yourself up and B) passing this issue onto your child so they feel self conscious when they dont need to is beyond me.

ouryve · 01/04/2016 19:31

And DS1 certainly got to choose what he wore when he was 4. If it wasn't suitably brightly coloured, there's no way on earth I would have been able to force him into it.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 01/04/2016 19:32

I'd not worry about what she is wearing. I'd be more inclined to worry about her happiness/friendships.

moomoogalicious · 01/04/2016 19:34

Just get her the swim shorts Hmm. My dd usually wears boys swim trunks over a plain swim suit.

Original poster
Speckledpeckle · 01/04/2016 19:35

"I'm always amzed by these thread about 4 yo that will not wear x or y (whatever that might be)."

Had dd2 been my first I may have said the same - could dress her in a bin bag and she wouldn't care. Dd1 however always had very strong opinions about clothing and honestly I'm a great believer in picking my battles. If spiderman T shirts save me a huge row and both of us in tears then that's fine by me! It's only now I seem to be at the swimming trunks stage of things I'm questioning if I've let things go too far!

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 01/04/2016 19:36

Has she articulated more about why she doesn't like the girl stuff and prefers boy stuff? Could she be potential trans gender rather than just anti girly?

MamaMary · 01/04/2016 19:36

My mum put me in swimming trunks (like bikini bottoms I guess) at the same age.

Just get her them!

iwasyoungonce · 01/04/2016 19:36

OP, please take note of what you said here:

what would make her happiest would be a pair of spiderman swim shorts

All we really want is for our kids to be happy. This is honestly all that matters. Just get her the shorts, she will love you for it.

And as somebody said above, anyone who judges her for it is an arsehole. Teach her this.

RudeElf · 01/04/2016 19:40

OP bear in mind that the more girls who get to wear what they want (like spiderman stuff) the more it becomes normalised and the fewer eyebrows it raises.

MamaMary · 01/04/2016 19:40

And btw my DD1 will wear anything I put on her. She'll barely even look at what I put on her.

DD2, OOTH, since the age of 2, has strong opinions on what she wears and will tell me every morning what she will and wear not wear (she doesn't always get her way). Aged 3, she will often take off what she's wearing later in the day, and put on a dress. She loves dresses, she's not my daughter

Footle · 01/04/2016 19:44

Phalenopsis, yes she could be potentially transgender. So could anybody - that's what potentially means. Right now she's 5.

SoddingPufflers · 01/04/2016 19:49

Phalenopsisgirl - what IS girl stuff and boy stuff when you are 5? Other than the marketing driven nonsense?

Booboostwo · 01/04/2016 19:52

DD, almost 5yo, has had very strong opinions about her clothes since she was two; I let her chose whatever she wants as long as she makes some concession to the weather. To my horror she has insisted on wearing the top part of her bikini - personally I think it looks awful on a young child.

I think you need to stop thinking in such a gendered way. My DD loves Spider-Man, Pirates and dinosaurs. She also loves Elsa, pink and princesses but indn't make a point of distinctions and correct her all the time when she comes from school with gendered preconceptions.

The friendship issue is a separate matter. Have you spoken to her teacher to see what she is like at school? Maybe she has more friends than you have noticed? Or the teacher could suggest a plan for supporting her in making friendships? Could you try play dates with the children she wants to be friends with? One to one might work better for starting a friendship.

CoperCabana · 01/04/2016 19:55

My two girls BEGGED for bikinis and I know most of MN would have a major issue with that, but I bought them one rather than make a big deal. The older one is now increasingly dressing alternatively and is rejecting pink. The younger one lives in dresses and fancy dress. I expect they will want Minion swimmers this year. I just think let her wear what she wants.

Is the bum length hair her choice? If not, might she be rebelling against it?

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