Saw my DF's DH with another woman

[PinkBallerina]

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

2. Paid for in Cash may not be suspicious if self employed builder (he isn't) but could be to avoid a paper trail.

Oh, good God. Paying by cash could be to avoid a paper trail?! I'm so glad I don't have a suspicious, over thinking mind that sees CHEATER in every little thing!
Honestly, it must be exhausting to be that suspicious.

"There are suspicious circumstances in the OP"

Yes, because that's the way the OP has presented it. The OP has no idea whether her friend knew what her husband was up to, she has no idea what he was doing and yet the immediate assumption is, of course, that the guy is cheating as opposed to any number of innocent explanations.

This place, sometimes.

OP sorry you've been given such a hard time. Relationships is a much more level-headed section to post in about a situation like this, but please don't let all this madness put you off talking to your friend in the way you feel best fits.

discoglitter

I am trying to work out whether you are being obtuse or merely stupid.

The Op has stated this is a 100 Euro per head restaurant, most people don't carry that much in cash when it is so easy to pay by plastic. These days with contactless payments I barely use cash at all. Are you aware that most infidelities are discovered via a paper trail rather than coming across your spouse with another man/woman.

There is far more pointing to the husband playing away in this scenario rather than it being innocent.

Op you clearly care about your friend. From what you've said it does seem unlikely that there's am innocent explanation. I agree with the suggestion to casually drop into the conversation with your friend that you saw him there.

I agree that it sounds very suspicious and can't quite see why some posters don't seem to get that! Their DHs could probably get away with anything (and perhaps do) without them realising.

It is a shame you didn't get a chance to say hello as his reaction would probably have been very telling. I would mention it to your friend casually but try not to sound as if you think anything is going on. If he is having an affair she is probably already suspicious so this won't really be news. If he is innocent she will already know where he was and who he was with so no harm done.

I am trying to work out whether you are being obtuse or merely stupid.
Well, I must be stupid then. Cheers for that.
People with a differing opinion aren't automatically stupid just because they don't agree with you, you know.
I just think it must be utterly mentally exhausting to be so suspicious over every little thing.
Friend's DH is somewhere different, without friend, in the company of another woman. SUSPICIOUS!
I was close enough and paying enough attention to see that he was paying by cash and not card, that must mean no paper trail. SUSPICIOUS! (Who thinks that deeply about things?)

It is a shame you didn't get a chance to say hello as his reaction would probably have been very telling.
Exactly. Without even getting to say hello, you know absolutely bog all about the situation.

Their DHs could probably get away with anything (and perhaps do) without them realising.
What a fucking depressing outlook on life.

These days with contactless payments I barely use cash at all.

I use cash quite a lot. Does that mean just because I refuse to use contactless asking for fraud mindset as I'm a luddite when it comes to that sort of thing
that I'm automatically cheating on my husband?
Bloody hell.

Exactly. Without even getting to say hello, you know absolutely bog all about the situation.

I wouldn't say that. The situation was very suspicious for all the reasons described by others. Speaking to him would probably have just confirmed what was going on.

Assuming it is an affair, do you not think there's maybe a chance she knows?
If the circumstances are as tricky as you say re custody of kids etc maybe she's entirely aware.
Who knows. Tricky situation though I don't envy you.

Not really your business; in your place I would stay our of it.

PinkBallerina, if you thought it was off then it probably was. I wouldn't have said hello in these circumstances either. Personally I would stay right out of it now unless it your friend is a very close friend. It's a really tricky one and there is pretty much nothing you can do (or not do) that will not end up being the 'wrong' thing. Best of luck.

Where is the restaurant (I want to go!)

So basically skint husband pays €200 for a non- work lunch with a mystery woman, in a secluded romantic restaurant 90 minutes from home and people don't think that is suspicious

Some times this place is nuts

Lol Project. Agreed. Ridiculous.

There will be no coffee today, my friend text this morning to cancel, she has been at the hospital most of last night as her disabled son had another emergency (they are regular). She returned home at 4am because she walked home rather than pay 40 chf for a taxi. Over an hours walk in the middle of the night on a pitch black road without a pavement all by herself. In order to save money. Her husband could have been taking his own mother out for a 200 euro lunch and i would think it a f$cking disgrace right now.

Thanks eveybody who has given clear and helpful advice. And thanks to everybody else who thinks i am wierd, a nosey twat, mentally exhausted and make a right dogs dinner of all this. And apologies for making someone vomit because i took my kids to a romantic place with a fun garden with tree swings and fish ponds for a hot chocolate. Something is obviously vey wrong with me.

And just to clarify i think the precise action with my phone was 1. Picked handbag off back of chair and put on my lap. 2. Reached inside and rummaged around for my phone. 3. Selected photo option to take photo of dcs quietly kneeling by the fish pond to spot the fish because if they were being loud they knew they would scare away the fish 4. Took photo and messaged it to DH. 5. Put hand back in bag on my lap but still held on to phone as 6. Looked up saw friends DH. Bit longwinded but i know that without precise details i was under suspicion from another poster.

I would hide the thread now OP becauuse when it becomes clear you are visibly upset certain factions will come along and goad you about it.

It sounds like she needs a good friend PinkBallerina

pink I wasn't suspicious of you at all, you said you'd taken the photograph, it really doesn't matter if you had to get your phone out or you already had it in your hand. I was simply making the point that if you provide too many details when/ if you tell your friend you run the risk of tripping yourself up in what will be a very difficult conversation.

I hope you find a way to resolve this- good luck.

Sorry, 'tripping yourself up' sounds like I think you're making it up - I don't.

Pink you sound like a considerate and thoughtful friend - you saw something that you didn't feel was quite right but did not want to unnecessarily upset your friend so asked for advice.

The snippy replies you got on here are unjust and unnecessary.

Yes it is possible for men and women to have a platonic lunch together, but an expensive lunch in a romantic setting an hour and a half away from home, when the couple are strapped for cash does not add up.

Pink

Not everyone thought you were BU. If anything my suspicions increase. Situation with the child is stressful and the DH has sought solace elsewhere rather than be a backbone for his wife.

Pink did you speak to your friend? How did it go? I keep wondering how you'd best phrase it without running into a nightmare with your friend. Hope it's all gone well and you're not too troubled with it.

The money just makes it ten times worse - hes already cheating on his wife, he shouldnt be making her live like a beggar to fund it as well!