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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw my DF's DH with another woman

254 replies

PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 17:47

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 31/03/2016 18:29

Oh ffs. If I'd seen my friend's husband eating out - however "romantic" the restaurant (vom) I'd have wandered over and said hi. Particularly if we were some distance from home.

What I wouldn't do is have dreamed up weird theories about the amount of food he must have eaten, before taking furtive photos.

Just say to your mate "saw your DH at x restaurant the other day, didn't get chance to say hello though. Hope he didn't think I was rude."

If there is something fishy going on, that should get people talking openly, I imagine.

cansu · 31/03/2016 18:29

You absolutely have to mention it. I would do it in a casual way. It is then up to her what she does with this info. If it is harmless then no harm done. If he is pissing about, she would probably prefer to know this so she can plan accordingly.

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2016 18:30

Just mention to your mate that you saw her DH and forgot to say hello.

No need to make such a dog's dinner out of it...

Beeziekn33ze · 31/03/2016 18:30

Say casually 'We saw you at the posh restaurant in other country' to him next time you see him, at a time when your friend isn't in the room.

wallywobbles · 31/03/2016 18:30

I disagree. You tell her and say you have a photo and take it from there. In her shoes I'd want to know. In fact I made my neighbor promise to talk me and when it happened to her I told her. She chose not to do anything with the information then but it gave her a time line later on.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 18:30

Friend is not on FB.

OP posts:
Ohfuckaducky · 31/03/2016 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleleftie · 31/03/2016 18:31

Just call her and say you saw him there with a woman.

You are making a meal of this - no pun intended!

Chocolatteaddict1 · 31/03/2016 18:34

Sounds amazing, where is it op?

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 18:35

This reminds me of a time I went out to a specific evening event (music) with my dad. I was around 24/25 and my dad was well known at the event by most people there. One lady approached us and said that there were murmurings amongst the people there that my dad was there with another, much younger, woman!!! She thought it was hilarious because she knew who I was, but they all made assumptions. Obviously she then put them straight but I was Hmm

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 18:35

Sorry to make a meal of this, i'll deal with it myself. Thanks for all your replies

OP posts:
amarmai · 31/03/2016 18:40

some pps really getting off on putting you down, op. Trust your instincts. Your brain picked up mini expressions and you know about your f's sit -we do not. Ignore the put downs and do what you think right.

WordGetsAround · 31/03/2016 18:41

PinkBallerina - for some totally unknown reason you're being given a really hard time here. (This is a great example of a thread where a few early posters set the tone for the rest of the comments.)

You are in a very awkward position, and I wouldn't like to be in your shoes. It's highly suspicious and very unlikely to have an innocent explanation (although, of course, it is possible).

I would tell my friend but not in the passive aggressive ways mentioned above. I'd tell her in a way that shows you know this might possibly rip her marriage apart.

Good luck.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 18:42

chocolateaddict restaurant is in France in Haute Savoie region, Alistair Sawday has recently reviewed it, it will go in his next book on France

OP posts:
PamBagnallsGotACollage · 31/03/2016 18:45

I'd mention you saw him but didn't get the chance to say hi. See what your friend says.

Don't know why people are being so arsey with you. I thought your OP set the scene well and actually made me think, 'yeah, sounds a bit dodge meeting up at a place like that with a woman who isn't your wife.'

PamBagnallsGotACollage · 31/03/2016 18:45

And also, I want to go there now!

2016ismyyear · 31/03/2016 18:46

"saw your DH at x restaurant the other day, didn't get chance to say hello though. Hope he didn't think I was rude."

This.. Then be prepared to tell her about the woman if necessary. However if she's in a financial quandary and might need to gather evidence pre divorce then do it face to face.
I'd be texting friend asking to have a coffee and see how it goes.

2016ismyyear · 31/03/2016 18:47

What did you DH think?

Ringadingdingdong22 · 31/03/2016 18:47

I don't understand why some people are being snippy either. You've asked for advice. It could all be totally innocent but then again it might not be. It's a very awkward situation to be in. I think you have to say something. I would mention you had been there and that you were surprised to see friends DH. Leave it at that. It's up to her what she does with the information.

Buzzardbird · 31/03/2016 18:49

If they were up to no good, I am sure that their actions would have given it away. Holding hands,a touch, arm around waist, pensive kiss on the cheek, sticking their tongues down each other's throats?

CallMeMaybe · 31/03/2016 18:51

I once met up with a friend in a pub, and while I was there someone who knew my DH saw me and texted him to tell him that I was there with another man. We were having a drink and something to eat. Yet this individual who knew me well enough to know who I was took it upon himself to text my dh to tell him he'd seen me there.

My dh took great delight in telling me that I'd "been seen and reported on," when I got home, even though he knew where I was and who with. accused me of lying about my relationship with this friend and refused to tell me who had told him. I pointed out that whoever it was was obviously a twat if they knew who I was well enough to recognise me but didn't have the manners to actually speak to me.

Just because you see someone somewhere with someone of the opposite sex means nothing.

Oh, my "dh" is now my ex.

WifOfBif · 31/03/2016 18:53

I didn't realise there was a word limit for posts Hmm

You're getting a hard time for no reason OP, I'm sure if most people saw a friends DH out with another woman in RL they would wonder who it was and whether to mention it. I would mention you saw her husband but didn't get chance to say hello, that's all you can do really.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 31/03/2016 18:54

Could be an estranged sibling he has only recently found out he has, her choice of meeting venue.. I agree it could be anything.

However if I've ever been for a specifically romantic lunch, there's been lots of hand holding and a bit of kissing, and we woulda walked away from the table arm in arm, so.. if it was a "romantic" lunch.. it doesn't sound that steamy from your description?

Mention seeing him, DON'T mention the photo, or you'll come a across as weird

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 18:56

He had his hand on her lower back as they left. No kissing.

DH thinks he was up to no good but thinks i shouldn't say anything. Friend will not be able to walk away easily from marriage and probably will not be able to return to her home country with her DCs.

OP posts:
catewood21 · 31/03/2016 18:57

Maybe it was his divorce lawyer?