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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw my DF's DH with another woman

254 replies

PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 17:47

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

OP posts:
blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:39

Oo it sounds like a lovely day out and restaurant - and the forest too!

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone · 01/04/2016 11:42

Was the visit to the expensive beautiful restaurant a stop off before your flight to Maui?

blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:45

Actually it sounds like such a nice day out that I wonder if OP was actually the woman and is anxious because she saw someone snapping her lunching with another woman's DH! tries to stifle novelistic ambitions

blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:46

I wonder if they did it in the forest before lunch.

BoboChic · 01/04/2016 11:51

Don't say anything. Just don't.

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone · 01/04/2016 11:51
Grin
KidLorneRoll · 01/04/2016 11:51

I would mind my own business. People are allowed to have lunch.

BurstBees · 01/04/2016 11:54

I have never taken my dc to a romantic and secluded (and expensive!) restaurant in the middle of the day for a drink. AIBU?

blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:56

Lolz

BoboChic · 01/04/2016 11:56

YAVVVU. I take DD to romantic and secluded restaurants whenever possible.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/04/2016 11:56

I really hate this notion that a man and a woman can't go anywhere or do anything without there being something wrong.

I dread to think what stick anyone who happened to also be bi sexual would get given that anyone they dare eat alone with is an affair prospect.

fwiw if there was anywhere decent to go I'd prefer a nice quiet place miles from where I worked or friends and family lived, not because I'm having an affair but because sometimes I just can't face bumping into people I know and who will eitger go running to dp or come over to make a point of letting me know I've been "seen"

shock horror on nights out I've sat on friends laps or hugged, kissed on cheek (sometimes a peck on the lips if I know them well).

he could be up to know good of course he could.

but seeing two peope out for dinner, unless they were all over eachother, it's just not enough to go on.

blindsider · 01/04/2016 12:13

Another who doesn't understand why the OP is getting a hard time. She has been put in a horrible predicament, without definitive proof it is untoward I am tempted to say she shouldn't get involved. People often shoot the messenger...

blindsider · 01/04/2016 12:15

Gileswithchainsaw

shock horror on nights out I've sat on friends laps or hugged, kissed on cheek (sometimes a peck on the lips if I know them well).

I suspect you would be in a minority that thinks this is acceptable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2016 12:32

OP... were you sitting quite close to them? I mean, you saw that he was settling the bill and paying in cash...?

Agree with Worra, as per.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/04/2016 12:38

I suspect you would be in a minority that thinks this is acceptable

yes cos out with a group of people witg photos being uploaded to fave book.os the time to he inappropriate WinkGrin

I think behavioural changes are more indicative than anything. going out of your way not to touch someone having previously been quite open, would be more of a worry no?

scampimom · 01/04/2016 12:41

Very sticky situation - there is no right or wrong answer I think. You could let her know and find yourself on the receiving end of a "well thanks a bunch" type rant, or just not make anything of it and risk getting on the receiving end of a "why the hell didn't you tell me" type rant. You have my sympathies, OP - I think gut feelings are usually right, but what you do about it is another matter. THen it turns from something you're not sure about into something that's real and out there in the world and with the potential to turn a lot of lives upside-down, and it's a big responsibility.

FWIW a friend of mine found out about her DH cheating on her via a casual remark from a mutual acquaintance who had seen him going to a florist. She does NOT blame the friend for saying something. (He is now her ex-H)

squashtastic · 01/04/2016 12:44

It could be totally innocent.. and if it is you have nothing to worry about by mentioning to your friend.

Just because she can't fix her situation easily doesn't mean she need to made a fool of by some nob who is spending money on travelling an hour and half away on an expensive lunch that they can't afford.

PegsPigs · 01/04/2016 12:45

I don't know why you've had such a hard time OP. You haven't done anything I wouldn't have done. I would say something to your friend about seeing him at the restaurant but not getting a chance to say hi. I wouldn't mention his dinner companion unless she asks. Then if there's to discuss she will either bring it up with you and if appropriate share the photo. Or she will bring it up with him and I'm sure you'll know in time whether it was innocent or not.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 12:46

discoglitter nosey twat? Thanks for that

Sorry for the colourful phrase, but yes - it is being a tad nosey if you decide to covertly snap pictures of them walking out of a restaurant and consider going running to your friend with it when they have done absolutely nothing suspicious whatsoever.
If they were stroking each others arms as they sat at the table, and were feeding each other food or something, you'd have a point.
Just leaving a restaurant together doesn't automatically mean up to no good!

PegsPigs · 01/04/2016 12:46

^something to discuss

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/04/2016 12:51

I think OP is getting a hard time a) because she put loads of detail about a lovely day out in the OP which wasn't strictly relevant tho I like a scene setting post, and b) because MN seems to hate people making observations on a situation which draw any kind of conclusion about the people observed.

Of course it sounds bloody dodgy!! He was needed at home, had said he was working yet was having lunch nearly a hundred miles away clearly not in a work scenario. He blued £200 on a lunch when he 'can't afford' a present for his wife. There could be an innocent explanation but deductive reasoning suggests not. Deductive reasoning is a perfectly normal part of human thought processing.

I bet OPs friend would love to be having an expensive lunch out.

BillSykesDog · 01/04/2016 12:53

I totally agree DiscoGlitter.

I might mention it in passing next time I spoke to my friend 'Oh we saw x in y on Sunday but we didn't get chance to say 'hi'. I hope he didn't see us and think we were rude.'

But snapping photos, gleefully running back to the friend to stir, 'he had his hand on her lower back', claiming to know all his female relatives and friends because she once went to a birthday party - it's nuts.

If a man did that to a woman people would be calling them a deranged stalker and probably talking about sending solicitors letters etc.

BoatyMcBoat · 01/04/2016 13:10

Don't waste your time worrying about word limits; this is not Uni.

Just mention that you saw him, while you are telling her of your family day, and leave it at that, or apologise that you didn't get a chance to say hi.

grumpysquash · 01/04/2016 13:16

If you are seeing her in person, you could say something along the lines of 'I saw someone at the xxx restaurant who looked like your DH, but I was too far away to figure out if it was him or not'.
It's a bit weak, I admit, but allows the get out of 'oops, my mistake' if it all gets a bit complicated.
Also if her DH was up to no good, he can deny it this time, but he knows you've clocked it......

amarmai · 01/04/2016 13:17

Telling the op what she shd or shdn't do raises the question, why are you pushing this line? Do whatever you think is right op and ignore the put downs as they reflect on the pp not you.